Mind Fire Mind Fog

"Logic ridicules love, and love smiles knowingly at the whole foolishness of logic."---Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

2008-09-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked."Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.""How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice."You must be," said the Cat, "or your wouldn't have come here."
---Alice's Adventure's In Wonderland [Lewis Carroll]

"Think with your Heart, Feel with your Mind"
---Rhonda Lipstein

"A dream is your creative vision for your life in the future. You must break out of your current comfort zone and become comfortable with the unfamiliar and the unknown."
---Denis Waitley

"It is fully practical to create that which has form in the silence. The noise art makes is usually heard by those whose lives listen to god. It is not adviseable to cheat that which has no other stake than the deeps and brights of all man."
---Kenneth Patchen

"If we walk in balance and travel in peace the divine creative energy of our soul will inspire others to journey into realms of sacred exploration."
---Michael Teal

"When the first chakra is disconnected from the feminine Earth, we can feel orphaned and motherless. The masculine principle predominates, and we look for security from material things. Individuality prevails over relationship, and selfish drives triumph over family, social and global responsibility. The more separated we become from the Earth, the more hostile we become to the feminine. We disown our passion, our creativity, and our sexuality. Eventually the Earth itself becomes a baneful place. I remember being told by a medicine woman in the Amazon, "Do you know why they are really cutting down the rain forest? Because it is wet and dark and tangled and feminine."
---Alberto Villoldo

"One cannot live a creative life without first letting go of the fear of being wrong."
---David Baird

"The pain in those chakras is meant to be felt; experienced. You are going to feel it (the sadness, and despair) move. It's part of the "push-through". The energy in the solar plexus, especially, needs to move...Balance. Practice. Meditating upon my form. These are three excellent spiritual practices to put my teachings in place. I want people to know that spirituality is a focus, a commitment, not a punishment. It's liberating."
---Kuan Yin

"If you think that peace and happiness are somewhere else and you run after them, you will never arrive. It is only when you realize that peace and happiness are available here in the present moment that you will be able to relax. In daily life, there is so much to do and so little time. You may feel pressured to run all the time. Just stop! Touch the ground of the present moment deeply, and you will touch real peace and joy."
---Thich Nhat Hahn

"Where are you? Here. What time is it? Now. What are you? This moment. "
---Dan Millman

"Accepting, allowing and interacting with your life as though it is exactly as it should be, without making yourself wrong (or right) for what you discover is it the way to Self-Realization."
---Arial Kane

"You can't put people in boxes, and you can't fit life into compartments."
---Toni Davis

"We must embrace the imperfection in our parents before we can embrace the imperfection in ourselves."
---Laura Teresa Marquez

"I don't know what I'll do, or what I'll become...only what I am."
---Paul Curran

"Love what is."
---Byron Katie

My mind has been to the heavens. My mind has been to hell. And I am still alive to depict such experiences. In fact, I would argue that my life was Divined so that I could lead others through their heavens and their hells---no matter how significant or how slight. I believe that I chose this particular path so that I could learn and teach about my Way and the Way of others.

Ok, you know what I am going to say. It is all about Love. And while that is so true, it is difficult for individuals to experience the love they want to experience---even expect to experience. And part of that is that people focus on romanticized versions of love. But part of it is that people aren't even sure what love is.

When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I began to strongly identify with Alice in Wonderland. Everything was craziness, and I was naive, so naive. I just felt constantly overwhelmed [Hence the Lewis Carroll quote at the beginning of this blog.] .

Psychiatric medicine, I have learned over the last 16 years, does not advocate for patient education. Medical checks between patients and their doctors last 15 minutes. Furthermore, many patients are not referred to a psychologist either. Patients are prescribed medications without any explanation. This often occurs in hospital settings that are filled with confusion and disturbance.

In 1994, I graduated with honors from University of Florida. So, I can say fairly confidently that I am pretty intelligent. I am classified in the top 40% of the people diagnosed with my disease because I am high functioning. However, I was relatively clueless about Bipolar Disorder until I returned from Hong Kong in 1998 [six years after my original diagnosis].

I went overseas thinking if I took my medication I was cured. [That is what I had been doing since being diagnosed.] I didn't know that if I missed a dose here or there I would fly into a rapid fire hypomanic or manic episode, or that I would dip into a clinical depression. At the very least I would have tidal wave mood swings. I didn't know that my disease was constantly cycling. I had no idea that if I messed around with the timing of when I would take my medications bad things could happen. I didn't fully understand the lithium levels I had to get periodically. I didn't realize how many different factors trigger episodes or what to do about them. I sure didn't get the full impact for my medications if I began drinking alcohol or taking caffeine---or for that matter drinking tap water filled with salt and random chemicals. I was ignorant.

When I was diagnosed, my then doctor looked at me intensely, and then said, "Don't go off your meds or it will be much worse for you." As a result, I lived in fear-driven compliance. I didn't understand what a psychotherapist was used for. I just thought they were around for me to talk with. I had experienced many professionals that did just that.

Yet when I returned to the States in the winter/spring of 1998, I began to learn the full scope of my illness. I was confused at first. I was disshelved. I didn't know what happened overseas. My mind raced and then plummeted a lot. I knew my meds got mixed up. But the reality of everything eluded me. I didn't begin to perceive the comprehensive view of my disease until I was home in Kansas for a couple months.

I went through two psychologists. The first woman was everything I didn't need. I was matched with her because she and I were both Christians. From what I could see, there was no other reason. In the midst of my mental chaos, I had to reach inside myself and find the strength to ask for a second psychologist. It was not easy and straightforward. I had to confront the woman first . I had to tell her she was not working for me. The woman was not egoless. She got upset. Wow! that was hard. I was so fragile and insecure at the time. But, eventually I was assigned a second psychologist and that person did work for me.

And she, also, helped me begin to piece together the concept of Bipolar Disorder---especially in terms of my personality. It was difficult. There were many tears. But I managed to accept my situation a little bit. At the time, I was still identifying strongly with my college girl persona [And I would for years.]. I was also living in the dream of Hong Kong---being a missionary, a teacher, and an explorer of the world [And I would for years].

I did not perceive how complex my disease was. And, my family didn't help me most of the time. I think my family members were mirrored my reality and that was awful for them. Few were there to support me. Generally, I felt very alone in the situation. And I felt I had to fight, fight, fight to survive.

Many ugly things were said to me before I returned home to the States. My headmaster called me stupid because I "stopped" my medications. He told me I could pray at home and to not ask for prayer from my peers to present at daily devotions. [I was to be forgotten as quickly as possible at ICS.] A "good" friend told me God would strip me of everything unless I gave everything over to Him. Many peers told me I just needed to pray harder. And my heart vanquished me the most. It asked incessantly, "How, why did everything happen to me while I was sincerely praying and living a dedicated, abstinent Christian life every day while I lived overseas as a missionary/teacher?"

Moreover, while I was hospitalized overseas, my meds were switched around. I was prescribed Depakote (valporic acid) rather than lithium. From 1998-1999, I experienced the ups and downs of not being on the appropriate medication [mood stabilizer]. Eventually, I learned that some meds work and some do not. It was a "tough trial and error" learning curve. Oh how I wish that I didn't have to learn that way!!!

I moved back to Virginia during that period. I was feeling so isolated and horrid in Salina. I lost the vision of Hong Kong as my life played itself out each day. I began to want to die the pain was so deep. I needed the hope of friendships I thought I had back in Chesapeake. My mom made some sacrifices and I got on the road to recovery---Virginia.

In addition, in the spring of 1999, I decided to switch back over to lithium since the mood swings were still rampant. Since I was not hospitalized, my doctor prescribed the lithium on top of my Depakote prescription. My tremor increased to an ungodly intensity. I looked like I had advanced Parkinson's disease. And then, finally, it was over. I was safely back on lithium.

Things settled down fairly quickly. I went to work for Barnes and Noble. Retail was an easy fit for me. I could do it in my sleep. I had managed a few departments when I worked for Hecht's previous to Hong Kong. Barnes and Noble was busy but relatively mindless. I got to interact with people.

I expected to be there for three months. I was there for 3.5 years.

My life was decent for awhile until the shift work began to mess with my Circadian rhythms. I went into a period of great rapid cycling. I was disabled over a 22 week period. That was another horrendous learning curve to endure!

The curve ceased in 2004. I was prescribed Seroquel in addition to the lithium. My last hospitalization was for a psychotic, suicidal depression. The Seroquel rectified the extremeness of the disease. My moods leveled. And I began to get better and better. It was that time frame when I, also, realized that my menstrual cycles were a huge factor that triggered the episodes of the disease. I was on my cycle during every clinical situation that I lived through.

My ex-boyfriend left me with a legacy of healing routes. I first began to learn about the chakra system.
Chakra Pali: chakka, Tibetan: khorlo, Malay: cakera) is a Sanskrit term meaning circle or wheel. There is a wide range of literature on chakra models, philosophy, and lore that underpin many philosophical systems and spiritual energy practices, religious observance, and personal discipline. Theories on chakras fit within systems that link the human body and mind into a single unit, described as psycho-physical, or sometimes called the 'bodymind' (Sanskrit/Pali: namarupa). The philosophical theories and models of chakras as centers of energy were first codified in Ancient India.

Anodea Judith provides a representative modern interpretation of chakras:
A chakra is a center of activity that receives, assimilates, and expresses life force energy. The word chakra literally translates as wheel or disk and refers to a spinning sphere of bioenergetic activity emanating from the major nerve ganglia branching forward from the spinal column.

There are six of these wheels stacked in a column of energy that spans from the base of the spine to the middle of the forehead. And the seventh which is beyond the physical region. It is the six major chakras that correlate with basic states of consciousness...

Chakras are commonly described, as above, as energy centers in the spine located at major branchings of the human nervous system, beginning at the base of the spinal column and moving upward to the top of the skull. Chakras are considered to be a point or nexus of metaphysical and/or biophysical energy of the human body.

The following primary chakras are commonly described:
Muladhara (Sanskrit: मूलाधार, Mūlādhāra) lower body
Swadhisthana (Sanskrit: स्वाधिष्ठान, Svādhiṣṭhāna) reproductive parts
Manipura (Sanskrit: मणिपूर, Maṇipūra) navel
Anahata (Sanskrit: अनाहत, Anāhata) heart
Vishuddha (Sanskrit: विशुद्ध, Viśuddha) throat
Ajna (Sanskrit: आज्ञा, Ājñā) eyebrow or forehead
Sahasrara (Sanskrit: सहस्रार, Sahasrāra) top of head

Chakras in the head from lowest to highest are: golata, talu/talana/lalana, ajna, talata/lalata, manas, soma, sahasrara (and sri inside it.)

The concept of chakras is often treated in different ways, depending on the cultural context. In Chinese medicine, traditional chakra locations correspond to acupuncture points. In some Eastern thought, chakras are considered to be gradations of consciousness and reflect states of the soul--these systems rely less on proof than on experience (under the assumption that 'proving' the existence of chakras is asking to 'prove' the existence of the thought process).

A mystic may deal with chakra as a model for their internal and external experience, and when talking about 'energy centers', may be talking about subtle forces which connect to the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of a person.

Sahasrara or the crown chakra is generally considered to be the chakra of consciousness. Its role may be envisioned somewhat similarly to that of the pituitary gland, which secretes hormones to communicate to the rest of the endocrine system and also connects to the central nervous system via the hypothalamus. The thalamus is thought to have a key role in the physical basis of consciousness. Symbolised by a lotus with one thousand petals, it is located on the crown of the head.

Ajna (along with Bindu, either or both are considered to correspond to the third eye) is linked to the pineal gland which may inform a model of its envisioning. Ajna is held as the chakra of time, awareness and of light. The pineal gland is a light sensitive gland that produces the hormone melatonin which regulates sleep and awakening. Symbolised by a lotus with two petals.
(Note: some opine that the pineal and pituitary glands should be exchanged in their relationship to the Crown and Brow chakras, based on the description in Arthur Avalon's book on kundalini called Serpent Power or empirical research.)

Vishuddha (also Vishuddhi) or the throat chakra may be envisioned as relating to communication and growth, growth being a form of expression. This chakra is paralleled to the thyroid, a gland that is also in the throat and which produces thyroid hormone, responsible for growth and maturation. Symbolised by a lotus with sixteen petals.

Anahata or the heart chakra is related to complex emotion, compassion, love, equilibrium and well-being. It is related to the thymus, located in the chest. The thymus is an element of the immune system as well as being part of the endocrine system. It produces T cells responsible for fending off disease and may be adversely affected by stress. Symbolised by a lotus with twelve petals. See also heartmind.

Manipura or the solar plexus chakra is related to the transition from simple or base to complex emotion, energy, assimilation and digestion, and is held to correspond to the roles played by the pancreas and the outer adrenal glands, the adrenal cortex. These play a valuable role in digestion, the conversion of food matter into energy for the body. Symbolised by a lotus with ten petals.

Swadhisthana or the sacral chakra is located in the sacrum (hence the name) and is related to base emotion, sexuality and creativity. This chakra is considered to correspond to the testicles or the ovaries that produce the various sex hormones involved in the reproductive cycle which may cause dramatic mood swings. Symbolized by a lotus with six petals.

Muladhara or the base or root chakra is related to instinct, security, survival and also to basic human potentiality. This centre is located in the region between the genitals and the anus. Although no endocrine organ is placed here, it is said to relate to the inner adrenal glands, the adrenal medulla, responsible for the fight and flight response when survival is under threat. In this region is located a muscle that controls ejaculation in the sexual act in the human male. A parallel is charted between the sperm cell and the ovum where the genetic code lies coiled and the kundalini. Symbolised by a lotus with four petals.
Woodroffe also describes 7 head chakras (including Ajna and Sahasrara) in his other Indian text sources. Lowest to highest they are: Talu/Talana/Lalana, Ajna, Manas, Soma, Brahmarandra, Sri (inside Sahasrara), Sahasrara.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakra

My understanding of the chakra system enabled me to be the body-mind I had been struggling to be for years. My health insurance company even began to manifest that reality.

I switched from Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield to Optima Health. Optima recognized my disease as a legitimate physical illness. Despite their classification of Behavioral Health, I was able to seek as many psychology visits that I needed per fiscal year. Anthem, on the other hand, gave me a cap of 20 visits---4 visits short of 2 visits per month. If I got in trouble and needed assistance, I had to pay for that help out of pocket. There were a number of years where that was quite unaffordable. And, of course, that is when I needed the health care the most!

You'll notice that I link the manifestation of an insurance policy that met my needs with my understanding of the chakra system. That is because the chakra system fosters a whole life paradigm. It assumes the holographic universe is in place and is working just right. I have come into the realization that we are the co-creators of our life. Our thoughts, our energy, our focus builds every aspect of who we are, what is inside of us, and what is surrounding us.

This belief does not fight against a God-reality. Rather, it supports it. Everything that happens in this plane we are living on happens as it should. For that matter, everything that happens on every plane happens as it should. God established a perfect place for life to grow and develop in. All systems are go! All systems consist in perfect order and harmony.

I intimately connect with the God-reality. Daily.

The beautiful thing is to understand what is going on and how we are to join the rest of life as we were meant to do. We are One in the space that beyond Maya.

There is a lesson I continue to learn...grounding. That is where I root myself to the earth and then pull the energy from the earth upward through the various energy centers, and then I pull the life force (chi or prana) down from the universe and back through all the centers and into the earth again. For me, it is a challenging activity.

Apparently all the aches and pains I experienced in my body-mind over the years caused all my parts to go haywire. I didn't want to be in my body. I wanted to be in the heavens "where God was." I couldn't stay centered in my chakras. I dissociated [In psychology and psychiatry , a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic_stress_disorder/glossary.htm] to avoid my life. I super spiritualized to gain relief from the agony of my existence. I am not sure how that happened in my physical representation, but some sort of split did occur.

Learning how to ground and to stay grounded has been an interesting challenge. My friend who does my craniosacral work constantly reinforces me about the importance of grounding and centering. I am grateful for that.

It is through the process of balancing my daily living experiences [my energy] while aligning and realigning, opening and reopening my chakras that I am able to obtain a healthy state of being. Occasionally the chakras are too open, and then they must be brought into balance as well with a little bit of closure.

I find that the chakras are a great reminder of how we should approach life. It is not natural that we live in the heavens while our feet should be resting on the planet, firmly planted, to ready us for action and effectiveness. Living requires us to be here 100% of the time. If we are in our head and not in our body, that is a problem. If we are not present---if we are in the future or in the past, that is a problem. Furthermore, if we deny parts of our body through suppression, repression, or addiction, then that is a problem. We were designed to be right here, right now.

When I was in my "High Christian" phase during the pre-Hong Kong and Hong Kong years, I mostly lived in my head and in my heart. I rarely touched the ground squarely with my feet and with my central force. I often disallowed natural attributes of my body, and I rewarded myself by telling myself that it was good of me to live above life---that it was good of me to forget whole parts of myself. I believed that true spirituality came at a horrible physical cost---even death to Self [I never recognized that that could mean a lessening of the ego]. I believed the body was only righteous if I rooted out all its natural desires---even its natural functions.

I held myself in very austere and aesthetic circumstances. And I got sicker and sicker.

The chakras are all about the body. They recognize the lower chakras and the higher chakras as equally important. I look forward to the moment when grounding and centering comes easy to me. Currently, I often feel that I am fighting with a bear to get grounded. I have a highly developed upper chakra system (The 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th chakras). I have worked and worked on my 3rd chakra over the solar plexus. I had quite a bit of life damage in that energy center.

I found after an interim period of great difficulty, that spirituality is much easier to sustain if the energy centers are aligned, opened, and grounded. I don't go flying into the heavens. I am perfectly content to worship and live with God right where I am at. If I find myself looking forward with wistfulness, I am not present. I take a moment and get myself back into my body---back into my physical self. Likewise, if I am longing for the past, I am not present.

I am so much more powerful as a creature that owns my reality as it IS. I manifest my desires so much better when everything is working as it should. I, also, understand Scriptures that say we were created as planned. That we were created with hope! I understand that each experience brings me closer and closer to my Highest Being. I understand that God [Love] IS right here, right now. Life is full of abundance because God IS everywhere---including in each of our atoms, cells, etc.---and He [She, It] IS endless. God IS and we ARE. We are love because God IS love. When we choose to accept our "now" realities, we choose to experience Spirituality at its finest. We experience all that IS. We experience Love---ours and all that we are One with.

Love has healed a lot of my physical deficits. I look forward to getting better at grounding and centering so I can experience even more healing. Everything comes to me as it should. The more I stay present, the more I am able manifest the desires of my heart.

Logic often ridicules love. But, LOVE is the most logical element that exists. LOVE is ordered. It is circular and powerful. LOVE never stops giving. IT is endless. IT is infinite. LOVE knows all that IS because LOVE created everything we know and see and experience. Get in touch with the LOVE that you are. Learn what grounding is [Ground is the reference point in an electrical circuit from which other voltages are measured, a common return path for electric current (earth return or ground return), or a direct physical connection to the Earth. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ground_(electricity)] [Ground: Start by sitting comfortably in a chair. Make sure your spine is straight and your feet planted firmly on the floor. Say in your mind, the word, "ground." Begin to visualize your feet growing roots like a tree, through the ground, all the way down to the center of the earth. See these roots anchor themselves there, in the earth's core. Feel the depth of this connection stabilizing you. Allow any negative energy to drain down through these roots and be burned up. Center: Take a moment to observe where you are in the here and now. Notice how you feel. Don't judge it. Just notice it. Say in your mind the word, "center." See these roots pulling white light from the center of the earth, up into your heart. Pull all your awareness into your heart, as this light forms into a growing, glowing ball. Imagine YOU are inside the center of this ball, and you are one with it. http://www.holisticjunction.com/displayarticle.cfm?ID=1157]. Learn how to center. I am special enough to get in touch with the LOVE. Therefore, you must be special enough as well.

"The finest emotion of which we are capable is the mystic emotion."---Albert Einstein

2008-09-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

"A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use, to enjoy them, and to dominate them."
---Oscar Wilde

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."
---Judy Garland

"Emotion turning back on itself, and not leading on to thought or action, is the element of madness."
---John Sterling

"The feeling is often the deeper truth, the opinion the more superficial one. "
---Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare

"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."
---Jim Rohn

"When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion."
---Dale Carnegie

"In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently. "
---Anthony Robbins

"Take control of your consistent emotions and begin to consciously and deliberately reshape your daily experience of life."
---Anthony Robbins

Learning my illness has been quite a trek. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 1992. It came as a complete shock! I had been having extreme levels of Clinical Depression throughout high school. ["On and off," I had been very down throughout adolescence as a whole.]

My mom took me to various doctors and a therapist [so did my dad and step-mom when I lived with them], but nothing was seen conclusively at that point. I suffered migraine cluster headaches from 17-18 years of age. But those eventually resolved themselves. During my junior year at University of Florida, I began placing myself in high-risk situations. Upset---feeling out of control---I called my uncle who was an Ob/Gyn. He hooked me up with the college psychiatrist.

My UF doctor misdiagnosed my disease. He prescribed an anti-depressant called Prozac. At the time, Prozac was deemed a miracle drug. However, the medical field now knows that manic-depressives should never be given anti-depressants (including Prozac) without a mood stabilizer. In my case, I cannot take any anti-depressants at all. My energy will spike and I will shoot straight through the glass ceiling into psychosis.

Prozac did just that to me in '92. Before I knew it I was "flying as high as a kite." I was thinking, thinking, thinking. I was not sleeping and I didn't need to to keep going. I felt uneasy and yet determined---hyperfocused. Then, suddenly, my mind was all over the place. I began experiencing rapid and pressured speech; increased activities; restlessness; and impaired judgment which included lack of insight, inappropriate humor, inappropriate behaviors, impulsive behaviors, financial extravagance, increased sexual behavior, and grandiose thinking. Furthermore, this caused excitability, irritability, hostility and feelings of exhiliration. And beyond the inflated self-esteem, I experienced hallucinations, delusions and/or paranoia at any given moment.

As my perceptions shifted into over-drive, my religious ideations increased. My soul felt torn between heaven and hell. I was in and out of a mystified state of mind---up one second, down another. My creativity was at an all time high. The people I was hospitalized with became [in my mind] "characters" from childhood (Tabitha of Bewitched, Blue Beard, etc.). I played games like I was three years old.

Nothing was working right.

I was hospitalized twice that year. The first time for mania. The second time for depression. And I was dowsed with medications. Moreover, I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never be able to carry children safely. I would most likely, also, produce a child with my same disease. It was a lot for a 21 year old to absorb.

My body, of course, had to adjust to all the new chemicals I was ingesting daily, and that was especially tough. I had just learned that I was attractive to the male species, and just when things were pretty good in that quadrant, everything went "POOF!" I went up three dress sizes. I had demolished skin. And my hands tremored intensely. People said things to me which were terribly hurtful. I felt so self-conscious, and so tainted. I was lifted from my regular existence into an existence of circumspection and doubt.

For a time, my mind was obliterated. I couldn't operate on a cognitive level. I just was...and there was nothing more than that. I could think on some level because I could communicate [I am not sure how well]. But I was "in space" quite often.

The drugs then were horrid. Psychotropic drugs are much, much better today! For example, if I were hospitalized for a manic break, I would be able to ground fairly quickly without an army of side effects. And I would not experience the horrors of the old meds like horrendous stabbing pain and temporary blindness. To me, those experiences go well beyond side effects! They are deathly---unlivable!

For six years following my first manic episode, I lived in an existence that was quite hypomanic. I didn't see that or feel that; but, looking back, I definitely was on the high side of my disease. Nevertheless, it was a functioning level; and in some ways it was a spectacular period. I rose to a "calling" that took me abroad to Hong Kong as a Christian missionary and art/Bible teacher. [And maybe I had to have high emotions to create that experience.]

I have never been more thrilled than when I lived and taught overseas. I had an apartment that I shared with a roommate, I had a decent salary to play around with, I had many activities available to me, and I had students and a principal that were fabulous. The land was truly mystical as well!

But I had my second manic break in 1997. I wound up in an all Chinese hospital and I was fortunate to make it home to the United States.

But it was upon that return that I really began to understand Bipolar Disorder. I was penniless (or nearly so) so I went to the community mental health facility. I had one therapist that I immediately felt disjointed from. I ended up with another therapist who helped me to make sense of all the confusion I felt. She connected the dots of my illness and my life. I will forever be grateful to her. I can't remember her name or face either. I just remember the experience of going to her for therapy. I, also, had a psychiatrist that was quite lovely. He was a sensitive man who lost his spouse in a car accident some years earlier. He was a photographer as well so I felt some kindredness toward him.

1997-1999 were to be very difficult years to bear. I was shifted off of lithium onto Depakote (valporic acid) while I was hospitalized overseas. I remained on Depakote for nearly a year following my return. Sometime during that period, I realized the medication was not "holding" me. I was up and down a lot! Eventually, I made the decision to transfer back over to lithium. By that time I had moved back to Virginia to live with my aunt again.

The process of transferring medications was horrible. I looked like I had severe Parkinsons' Disorder. My arms and hands were shaking. But, I made it through and I went to work for Barnes and Noble. [I was supposed to be there for less than 6 months. I stayed there for 3.5 years.]

Things stabilized for a short period and then I tanked big time. The shift work was too much for my body. I could not balance my Circadian Rhythms. I began rapid cycling. Honestly, I am not sure how many times I was in and out of the hospital during that period. Many.

My ex-boyfriend, Chris, helped me through much of the worst period of my life; and then, he destabilized and began to create even more problems for me and my health. I don't blame him for that. He was truly a trooper the 3.5 years we were together. If he hadn't been in my life during that phase I believe I would not have lived. Things were that rocky and painful. He was my love and I was his; and we made it together for as long as we could. If I regret anything, it is that we didn't have the grace extended to us to survive within the bigger picture.

In 2004, I broke it off with Chris after my last tumultous hospitalization. And I began to get better. I was committed to really trying to live. I hadn't been that way since 1997. It was my time to learn to love myself. Before Chris and I ceased as a relationship, he gave me tools I never would have known about before him. I educated myself about the Chakra system, the realm of the psyche, and belief systems like Shamanism. All these tools helped me.

I had always been a student---first of grade school, junior high and high school, then of University of Florida, then life, and, finally, some advanced education regarding information studies. I was a good student (after Chris was gone from the scene) of everything Chris taught me while we were together. Step by step I began exploring the New Age studies, and Eastern and Pagan philosophies to gain a higher understanding of life.

It is here that I realized that my disease was quite a subjective experience. I owned the fact that my diagnosis was just a label to help the physicians understand how to treat my illness. I connected with the fact that my emotions were on a continuum. They would always be higher and lower than most people. I began to understand that if I slapped medication on every strong emotion I would be sick constantly. The meds only help to manage the illness. They do not perfectly contain the disease. [When I lived in Hong Kong, I thought if I took the meds I was cured. That was/is not the case.]

And suddenly I was so much more even. I stopped going in and out of the hospital. I started to have a more holistic sense regarding my health.

I was not going up and down and all around. I was beginning to predict my episodic swings and "cut the off at the pass." I was beginning to surf the waves of emotional pulls. I got so that my raging moments were softened...subdued. I learned how to effectively medicate the moments my body began to lose all sense of control. I had some peace for the first time in years. My heart was growing stronger and stronger.

And last but not least, I found love inside of me. I found my Way.

Currently, I explore many different alternative and/or holistic forms of healing. I have a few really gifted friends who have cultivated some wonderful skills that have been life changing for me. I am so grateful for Deb and Brenda S., who do BodyTalk, and Marcus who does craniosacral work. My body-mind is happier than it has been since 1992. I am not yet cured of my disease; but I am gaining so much insight into the body-mind-soul-spirit. Each insight lessens my burdens. I am healing one breath at a time. And I like it!

My disease affects the outpouring of many symptoms. But the symptoms are not my disease. My disease is genetic in origin. It exacerbates my thoughts and my emotions.

As a whole person I know that life is more involved than emotions. Life is filled with light and darkness. Life is physical and non-physical. Life is birth and death. Life is soul and spirit. Life is up and down. Life is balance/order. Disease is imbalance/disorder.

My emotions are an extension of my heart. If my body-mind is out of balance, the parts of the body will be askew. Holistic principles define life in terms of wholeness and order and balance. Each of us is a whole being. Energy is not destroyed, merely moved, blocked, or something other.

My emotional body has gained tremendous healing through the use of various energy-oriented modalities. I cannot articulate all that I have experienced. I will, undoubtedly, leave out a sentence or two; but our energy body is place of great healing potential. The work that my friends have done on me has blessed me immensely.

I am much calmer. I feel things flowing in me and through me with so much more ease. All these outcomes are miraculous to me!

If someone has a disease or injury you don't understand, please talk to the individuals. See how they feel, see what they are going through, see what you can do to help them experience their situation with more ease. Love is the strongest force in the universe. Take the opportunity to be the love that you ARE. Take the opportunity to share yourself with the person hurting from imbalance, injury and/or disease. Your love is important to EVERY person you know. Expand it. Expand you. Love IS!!!

A disease with many facets...

2008-06-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
---Peter Marshall

"Because a thing seems difficult for you, do not think it impossible for anyone to accomplish."
---Marcus Aurelius

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
---Walt West

"There are two ways of meeting difficulties: You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them."
---Phyllis Bottome

"Too many overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are."
---Malcolm S. Forbes

Bipolar Disorder is a disease with many facets. People scarcely realize how difficult it is to manage. I listen to show after show on TV that present the illness as single-sided. In other words, I hear how Bipolar patients go off of their medications and cause themselves a whole lot of trouble. And, surely, that does occur in many patient's lives. But, the disease is more complicated than that.

For years, my biggest struggle has been getting to sleep. People take sleeping for granted. For me, it is quite difficult---quite stressful. My brain can be completely zonked and ready for bed, yet when my head hits that pillow it is like a light bulb clicks on inside my mind and my thoughts speed up. They race and race. This problem is precarious. My disease can reach horrific levels if my circadian rhythms remain off track. Two to three days without sleep can cause hospitalization.

Each evening is unique. I have to take different "cocktails" [medications] as my brother Chris would say. [And, I am all about taking the fewest medications possible so that particular reality is very hard for me.] I often feel like a failure because I cannot sleep without a tremendous dose of varied prescriptions. And then, alas, I forgive myself and try again the next night.

I had a doctor for a short time that was quite knowledgable about pharmeceuticals. He had a pharmacy degree as well as a psychiatry degree. But his personal problems were "through the roof" and, eventually, I had to find a new doctor, one that was more stable. [I know, go figure. I went through three physicians in a matter of a year and a half because the three doctors suffered all sorts of personal and business issues which were affecting my health care! There were parents dying, cardiac problems, availability issues, poor medical practices (i.e., yelling at patients as a form of communication and control), divorce proceedings, financial issues, etc.] But while I went to him, he got my medication situated so that everything with a drowsy factor would be taken at night. That certainly made a difference in how effective the medications were for me overall.

Currently, the actual sleep med, though, seems inadequate. I think sleep meds tend to wear out quickly efficacy-wise. They are meant for short term use. However, all the other drugs seem to be working. But, if the sleep med doesn't work, I have to further augment the regimine with meds that are used to calm my system down. Augmentation is frustrating and far from the best practice. [And waking up is a nightmare!!!]

For a few years I have been learning how to meditate. But meditation doesn't seem to work with me at bedtime. There is too much pressure. During the week I have to fall asleep by a certain time. If I do not, I can't wake up the next morning and I am late for work. My friend that practices BodyTalk gave me a connective hold to use to release me from the pressure and the panic; but the hold failed to work after the second day. Adrenaline pumps into my body at a powerful rate. It is difficult to override.

I try to start a bedtime routine approximately two hours before I go to sleep. Life sometimes cooperates, and then again, sometimes it does not. Actually, I am fairly disciplined and I believe my disease demands that of its victims if they are to overcome the dilemmas they face.

But my disease's dilemmas do not stop with the sleep issues. I must, also, monitor what I eat and drink. First of all, let me say that I have ceased all alcohol consumption. The last drink I had was seven years ago. Alcohol causes the balance with my medications to get off center. Lithium levels are very tempramental. It is easy to be lithium toxic. It is, also, easy to be undermedicated with lithium. Once a healthy and consistent balance is reached, lithium levels are performed twice a year. I have to take a very high level to remain even keeled. This level causes many side effects. My hands tremor, I constantly fight weight gain, and my skin breaks out easily.

Caffeine intake must be minimal. I can tolerate a certain amount of chocolate, but if I go over that amount my hands tremor more intensely, and my brain is accelerated past the comfortable point. Regular caffeine intake can spur on a hypomanic/manic episode. Drinks like iced tea or coffee can keep me up for days.

I must, also, watch my salt and water intake. Too much or too little of either can alter my lithium levels for the worse.

I have a huge list of non-prescription and prescription drugs that I cannot take because of problematic interactions. I really have to avoid almost every pain medication on the market, and some antibiotics are off limits because I have developed allergies toward them.

In addition, lithium damaged my thyroid. I am now considered hypothyroid and I take synthroid to keep my thyroid where it should be. That is a fine balancing act in and of itself. For example, I am not allowed to change the manufacturer of the prescription I take because that difference can significantly affect the organ's functioning.

My other medication, Seroquel, creates serious dietary issues. I have to watch my glucose levels because it can shift me into diabetes. So far I haven't had that problem. And I keep hoping for good health where that is concerned. This drug,also, causes weight gain.

The last major dilemma I deal with involves my hormones. I don't know whether other Bipolars suffer from intense hormonal shifts, but I do and have since I hit puberty [I was 10 when that occurred]. This aspect of my disease is completely disarming. I can't control it. I can't even manage it. My hormones are different from week to week. Some months nail me hard. Some months are simple to deal with. And like, depressions, I just have to flow with whatever comes my way. I have been cycling during every hospitalization I have ever experienced. It is frightening. But, it appears to be my current lot. I don't know whether menopause will bring me relief or whether it will "up the anty." Obviously, I hope it will bring me relief. And I guess I should start preventive affirmations as I write this blog.

Bipolar Disorder is not a single-sided disease. It is filled with complicated scenarios that can be quite difficult to manage. But, for me, there is no other Way. I like being able to work my mind effectively. If my disease is untamed, I cannot do that. Many find comfort in the highs. I find terror.

I am a highly intelligent human being. I am sensitive. I am determined. Disease of any kind is difficult to navigate. But every problem we are presented with has some sort of solution---some sort of reason for being. I read and read. I develop mechanisms that actively work against my illness and work for me. I try traditional and holistic means to resolve the pains I deal with. If you know someone with any disease, please reach out to them in any way you can. Ask what the person suffers from. Ask what kind of help the person needs. And then listen. Really listen.

I have spent almost two decades struggling against the stigmas and the belief systems that disapprove of my disorder. It has been agonizing at times. I am thankful for my friends or family that have supported me through the good and bad times. I want people to understand what I experience because it not only assists me, it assists many other people who are similar to me. Bipolar Disorder is different for every person that suffers from it. Some people overcome its debilitating aspects through medication, alternative therapies and psychotherapy. Some people hide amidst the "insanity." The more familiar people become with the disorder, the more easy it is for people to get help. Please pass this message on. People need to know there is a Way.

"Good drama must be drastic." ---Unknown

2008-06-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and a drama to an otherwise dull day."

---Bill Watterson

"The ideals which have lighted me on my way and time after time given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Truth, Goodness, and Beauty. . . . The ordinary objects of human endeavour -- property, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible."

---Albert Einstein

"There are no whole truths: all truths are half-truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil."

---Alfred North Whitehead

"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself."

---Anais Nin

"We know the truth, not only by the reason, but by the heart."

---Blaise Pascal

"Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth. This equation has its roots in pop psychology. The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis."

---Brad Holland

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

---Alan Cohen

"It must be admitted that there is a degree of instability which is inconsistent with civilization. But, on the whole, the great ages have been unstable ones."

---Alfred North Whitehead

"What a man believes upon grossly insufficient evidence is an index into his desires -- desires of which he himself is often unconscious. If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way."

---Bertrand Russell

"Man seeks to escape himself in myth, and does so by any means at his disposal. Drugs, alcohol, or lies. Unable to withdraw into himself, he disguises himself. Lies and inaccuracy give him a few moments of comfort."

---Jean Cocteau

"As an organizer I start from where the world is, as it is, not as I would like it to be."

---Saul Alinsky

"If you must tell me your opinions, tell me what you believe in. I have plenty of douts of my own."

---Johann von Goethe

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."

---Benjamin Disraeli

"Three passions have governed my life: The longings for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart of children in famine, of victims tortured and of old people left helpless. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living. "

---Bertrand Russell

Somewhere along my Way I learned melodrama. And with melodrama I soon failed to recognize my true emotions. For many years I felt ignored and/or abandoned by my family. And as a result, I often played the martyr or the human rights activist. I suppose that is what birth orders and individual life experiences create in people's lives...a certain uniqueness, a flavor, a personality, a path to tread.

There was a halloween when I was in grade school that sent me emotionally over the top. I remember it distinctly. My dad was frequently gone on business. His visits home were very special to me. My brother, Doug, and I got into a tiff while my parents went out to do errands. Doug chased me throughout the house with a big stick. He ran outside, and I locked him out. Not to be deterred, he knocked the screen in on the front door. When Dad and Mom got home, we both got in big trouble. We were grounded for over a week.

The deal, in my opinion , was highly unbalanced. Doug was in 7th grade. He no longer Trick or Treated, or went to Fun Night. I did both. And I was going to miss out on both due to the grounding.

Plus, Doug chased me with the stick. He tore the screen. I just locked myself inside the house to keep from being knocked upside the head. And he would have done just that: BAMM!!!

When I got the "unjust" sentence, I blew into a severe rage. The day is still quite memorable (at least the major parts are). I threw things. I screamed. I did whatever I could to force my meager power onto my parents and my brother. I am sure my dad was ready to go back to work that week! Nevertheless he held out and added to my sentence.

I think that particular rage was a precursor to my manic episodes. It was an emotional tirade that just got intensely out of control. It got the best of me. I was immersed in a vortex of emotion that mocked the best tornadoes. I never did forgive my parents for the unequal punishment I received during that holiday. [I guess I should, huh???]

I learned at an early age that I lacked physical strength compared to my three older brothers. Actually, there was a brief period where Doug's strength and my strength were fairly similar. But, in the long run I came up short all the way around. There were many instances where my brothers would overpower me physically and mentally. And those many defeating lessons created my ungodly temper tantrums to come. I couldn't win. So, I made a powerful nuisance of myself so the brother(s) in question would be just as miserable as me. The method had its merits or I would have ceased using it. Yet, somewhere along my Way I lost control when my emotions would become intense. It was a damning repercussion.

And, eventually, I lost a huge part of myself. Everything in my world became somewhat confusing. I desisted in learning how to modify my thoughts so that I could retain a semblance of order in my life. Furthermore, I often repressed my thoughts and emotions when I dealt with outsiders (a.k.a., non-family members), so there was constant physical suffering under the surface that I had no idea was brewing and causing damage.

By my early twenties, my methods for emotional and stress management began to lose their vitality. My body gave way to horrible depressions. I would often take long naps to conserve my energy---to get me through the day. I developed many short term illnesses that broke my overall physical system down piece by piece.

And when I turned 21, I began participating in activities that were highly self-destructive. I was drinking in excess. My sexuality was flagrant---hyper. I hated myself. I couldn't make the world stop long enough for me to breathe. I felt terror a lot. My thoughts got darker and darker.

In the summer of my junior year of college, I became manic for the first time. I did have some assistance. It wasn't all emotional mumbo jumbo. I was put on Prozac a couple months prior to my manic break. My new doctor assumed I was clinically depressed so he misdiagnosed me as such. He couldn't see the highs in my behavior or demeanor. [I frequently wonder whether my illness would have gotten so bad if I hadn't been prescribed an anti-depressant in the first place.] {{I still cannot take anti-depressants at all. I will fly through the "glass ceiling" if I do. If I become depressed, I just have to survive the blackened mind-state naturally and with shear determination.}}

Skipping ahead, I have gotten quite adept at my disease, Bipolar Disorder. I have been in 16 years of psychotherapy as well as 16 years of psychiatric medicine. Over the last six years, I have gained an understanding about my thoughts and emotions. My thoughts create my emotions.

I watched soap operas for 25 years. I lived for dramatic TV series. I loved movies that made me weep or soar. Now I scarcely watch TV and I rarely go to the movies. I realized a few years ago that the need for drama considerably influenced my decision-making (especially in my relationships). I enjoyed the rush of emotions that drama produced. And then...I discovered a new path.

The first biggie is that I must stay in the now. If something is not happening at this moment, then I must breathe and deal with only the moment. This is huge for me! I can't tell you how this method of thinking helps me overcome situations. It is a practice, for sure, but each time I experience a success, I grow emotionally.

The other big change has come about fairly recently. I am learning to adjust my thoughts so that I sense my ability to co-create my life. I am creating positive affirmations which are designed to attract the desires of my heart. I am dispelling my negative belief systems so that I can "see" a whole and powerful future.

I, actually, feel the difference. It is great. When something unexpected happens, the first thing I do is stop. I visualize a path of openness---a path of heart-centeredness. And I move into the healing space.

We are often taught powerlessness. I sure felt that as a girl growing up in my childhood home. But, I am no longer a child, and I have learned how to empower myself. It is not healthy to get caught up in roller coaster realities. It is not good for your emotional body nor your physical body.

Eastern philosophies have spoken volumes to me about anger. Instead of repressing negative feelings, Eastern belief systems suggest you hold the anger like an infant. You watch it, you nurture it, you remain separate from it. And you let it pass.

As I have learned how to dispell drama, I have learned how to confront people more definitively. Instead of losing myself in run away thoughts, I step forward and really listen to what is being said. I reassure myself that no physical harm will come to me as a result of speaking my mind. And I say my truth. As the person speaks in turn, I reassure myself that anything that is said to me is not to be absorbed personally because each thing that is said is coming from the person's perspective and experience with the world.

The thing about America, is that we all have the opportunity to extend ourselves past our tribal upbringings. We are not tied to our families once we are 18. If we feel a tie, it can be broken. Emotional and energetic patterns are in existence so that we can recognize and choose our life paths. We have the ability to seek awareness of such patterns and then to take action to overcome anything in those patterns that hinder our growth and development. It can feel cumbersome with some things, but it is not impossible. Be persistent, and listen to your will.

As we create our lives, we simply need to choose our thoughts and manifest them into action one word at a time. The actions are not our focus. The thoughts are our focus. Our thoughts will make our Way or break our Way. But everything is available to us to shift us into the Oneness reality always.

We feel separation the minute we are born. But we are One with all that IS. We can remove our feeling of separateness by surrounding ourselves with thoughts of unison. Every day can become a day made for togetherness. It is a matter of programming.

As I have learned to love myself and get that we are all infinitely woven together within the Divine Matrix, I have let go of many of the large chunks of drama in my world. Again, it is a process, one that takes time and effort. But, love now empowers me to think through every moment. I follow the heart that leads me into new layers of understanding. My emotions mellow and become so much more managable. My Post Traumatic Stress Disorder becomes less and less trigger-happy. My adrenaline still floods through me on occasion; but overall, I am so much healthier. I am finally able to flow with most of my life experiences. And I am very grateful that I learned that drama is fun to watch on TV or in a movie theater, but it is not good to live with dramatic influences. Thinking becomes highly impaired as the emotions go from high to low. And that is entirely unnecessary!

Being level-headed, flowing with life rather than trying to control it, is much easier on the body. As I get to know my heart, I learn how to watch the "negative" circumstances without getting intimately involved. I learn how to watch things come and go---to watch things pass. Because they always do. Afterall, "This too shall pass."

"Thoughts create a new heaven, a new firmament, a new source of energy, from which new arts flow." --Philipus Aureolus Paracelsus

2008-05-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

"Through the release of atomic energy, our generation has brought into the world the most revolutionary force since prehistoric man's discovery of fire. This basic force of the universe cannot be fitted into the outmoded concept of narrow nationalisms.For there is no secret and there is no defense; there is no possibility of control except through the aroused understanding and insistence of the peoples of the world. We scientists recognize our inescapable responsibility to carry to our fellow citizens an understanding of atomic energy and its implication for society. In this lies our only security and our only hope - we believe that an informed citizenry will act for life and not for death." A. Einstein, 1947 d.C.

"See where your own energy wants to go, not where you think it should go. Do something because it feels right, not because it makes sense. Follow the spiritual impulse."

---Mary Hayes-Grieco

" 'These laws of energy are not alterable. These laws have always been and will always be in existence.'
Sources: Silver Birch, White Eagle, Sathya Sai Baba, Barbara Brennan, Leslie Flint, George Meek, Arthur Findlay, Anthony Borgia, George Meek, Sir Oliver Lodge, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Sir William Crookes, Dr Robert Crookal, Sir William Barrett, the Rev C Drayton Thomas, Rev. Johannes Greber, Geraldine Cummings, Allan Kardec, Emmanuel Swedenborg, Dr Ian Stevenson, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Helen Greaves, Stainton Moses, et al.

Traditional secular scientists are now in agreement with the spiritual scientists and have conceded that all visible matter and invisible waves in the world can be reduced to 'vibrating energy'. Below you will find laws of energy taken from information accumulated over the last few hundred years of documented human experience.

When I first started doing research into psychic phenomena I was looking for psychic laws. I found that although the laws existed by imputation, no one had hitherto formulated specific universal psychic laws.
We have laws for everything - civil and criminal laws to conduct human behavior, laws of physics describing the forces which regulate the universe, laws of biology and other laws.

Accordingly, now for the very first time it is proposed that specific laws be codified about psychic energies - not just those which operate in the physical world but energies that also transcend the physical world.
Whilst more than half of the people of the world to-day will readily attest to the validity of these laws of energy it may take some decades for these laws to be universally accepted.

First Law of psychic energy: All 'solid' objects are vibrating energy. Unseen waves are also vibrating energy- sound, radio, electricity, light, television waves, microwaves, x-rays, gamma rays and psychic energy waves.
Second law of psychic energy: The mind is an 'energy station' which creates transmits and receives energy.
The will (of the mind) can change the form of energy. Thoughts, which are waves of energy, can be transmitted to and from human minds within the earthplane and to human and other entities in the afterlife in a process called telepathy.
Third law of psychic energy: All living humans have a body made up of vibrationary energy which is a duplicate of the physical body and will survive physical death. This vibrationary energy body invisible to physical eyes can change form but can never be destroyed and retains consciousness. At the time of physical death, the duplicate body will have reached a certain vibrational level and will go to an energy sphere that can accommodate those vibrations. Selfless spiritual service increases the vibrational energy of the duplicate body.
Fourth law of psychic energy: The afterlife has different levels of energy which form different spheres according to the speed of vibration. The faster the vibrations of a sphere the higher and more spiritually evolved are the entities which reside there.
Fifth law of psychic energy: The more spiritually evolved a being is the brighter the energy of the aura.
Sixth law of psychic energy: Slowing down the speed of the atomic vortices of the energy will result in materialisation. Speeding up the vortices will result in de-materialisation
Seventh law of psychic energy: Energy is a 'boomerang' - the energy you give out will return to you. Victor Zammit (May 2001)

[http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/amethystbt/psychic7lawspsychicenergy.html]

Spiritual Science was the term Rudolf Steiner used from spiritual investigations through a rigorous and careful process to achieve a high standard of accuracy. Accurate results through spiritual science could be achieved by careful and meticulous work on the seekers part to develop a high moral and spiritual character, so that his or her own inner distortions would not taint spiritual visions of the higher worlds. Seekers at similar levels of development could then achieve similar understandings of reality, much in the same way that scientists may explore the material world, thus promoting a scientific spiritual investigation. These spiritual understandings can be attained by a path of spiritual development as laid out in many of Rudolf Steiner's books, such as How to Know Higher Worlds and Spiritual Knowledge as an Intuitive Path. Although mystical perception was a part of this, character development and the proper balance of thinking, willing and feeling was an important part of self development towards a true spiritual science.

[http://www.onlinehumanities.com/spiritual-science.html]

"What is 'life force?'

The 'life force,' often called 'energy' in Western culture, is an entity that permeates and bonds all. It is sometimes referred to as the 'vital force.' In China, it is called Qi; in India it is called prana. It is believed the 'life force' extends throughout the universe and that the individual is part of an indivisible whole. Most Eastern philosophies share this common theme of universal spirit and wholeness. Individuals who practice such alternative medical approaches as meditation, yoga or tai chi do so not only because it decreases stress and anxiety and promotes general well-being, but also because it helps them connect with the 'life energy' within and around them. The belief is that because the 'life force' permeates everything, an individual is unavoidably affected by external events and energies. Thus, treatment of the individual should consider the mind/body/spirit interaction as well as an overall connection to the universe.

What is energy healing?

Energy healing is based on the belief that our 'life force' creates energy fields that are unbalanced during emotional or physical disease. Because our energy fields are part of an interconnected whole, the use of focused intention by one individual can aid in the health and well being of another. Many individuals use their own individual means of directing their intention to heal. Others practice according to schools such as Reiki. In the West, a common form of energy healing is Therapeutic Touch, which has been taught to thousands of nurses across the United States.

Healers operate in many different ways. For example, they visualize, send intentions for diseased cells to die, send intentions for cells to revert to their optimum state of health, or simply send loving energy. A common theme is the intention for the well-being of the client. Another is focusing on being a conduit for a loving, universal life force.

An interesting feature of energy healing is that it may be performed over distances of thousands of miles. The 'life force' claimed to be transmitted by energy healers does not have the properties of any known form of energy.

A comparable practice to energy healing that is used frequently in the West is prayer. A 1996 survey showed that 82 percent of Americans believed in the healing power of prayer. A survey of patients in American Cancer Society support groups for breast cancer found that 88 percent experienced beneficial effects of spiritual and religious practice.

Blending of paradigms

The idea that an energy can be transmitted from one person to affect the health of another, especially from a distance, does have some scientific merit. This idea is quite compatible with theories of quantum physics, in which there are no time/space barriers. In quantum physics, subatomic particles communicate instantaneously, and theoretically, particles can affect each other at far ends of the galaxies.

It has been about 80 years since Einstein introduced his theory of relativity and quantum mechanics was born. This represented a complete paradigm shift that still has not been incorporated into medicine. However, as the science provides more and more indications that there may be realities and energies that are beyond our current comprehension, the interest in performing scientific research to detect the effects of such energies is increasing."

[http://www.clevelandclinic.org/health/health-info/docs/2600/2613.asp?index=9821]

My ex-boyfriend, Chris, is a powerful intuitive. [One concrete example of his intuitive abilities can be seen if I relate an interaction he and I once had. I mailed a package to him. The day that I mailed the package {He lived in Nova Scotia. I lived in Virginia.}, I called him to tease him about the "soon to be coming" gift box. He told me what 6 out of the 7 items in the box were. From my perspective, the 7th item was a near miss. He said there was a statue in the box. It was a stuffed animal on a pedastal. The gift items were not particularly ordinary. They were pretty unique. Yet, he "saw" them with a technique known as Remote Viewing.]

Over the years that he and I were together, Chris taught me many things about energy. [Psychic work is simply energy work.] It took me a long time to transfer my ideologies from my upbringing to what I am into "playing" with now. But, eventually I started to get what he was trying to teach me. NOW I get a lot of what he taught me!

In my last post, I talked a little about how I began to make a distinction between my persona and the pathology of Bipolar disorder as it affects me. Chris opened me to so much of my current health awareness. I am so grateful to him.

Holistic belief systems encourage people to see themselves as whole and One with all that IS. At this time, I cannot cease my traditional medical regime to adopt holistic principles altogether. That would be reckless on my part, and I have had enough pain and suffering in my personal world. I firmly think that we each have a path that gets us to go where we must, in the end, go. But, I do believe whole-heartedly in the theories of holistic terms. And every day, I learn more and more so that, perhaps, one day I can jump feet first into the All loving universe I work to see and feel. I practice and I practice. I will eventually manifest it. I will!!!

In the meantime, energy work is fascinating to me. Somewhere along my Way, I began to experience the healing power of energy. I think I first read Anodea Judith's book Wheels of Life. The book really defined the chakra system. I, also, read a little bit about shamanism. Suddenly things began to make sense to me. Like a game of "Dot to Dot," I started connecting to many different philosophers, scientists and New Age gurus.

My Christian background limited me for a bit. I used to automatically discount certain authors because of my old spiritual belief system and my spiritual tracks. Eventually, however, Chris broke that barrier and I began to absorb lots of concepts I never knew existed. Concepts that were awesome and liberating!

I still have to work around my constraints like my various psychiatrists' prejudices regarding psychic phenomenon. For instance, recently I had a book with me when I went to my bi-monthly med check. The book was about psychic development. My doctor entered his office, saw the book title, and then contorted his face in disdain and "psychiatric curiosity." He immediately managed to work the book title into his evaluation.

I snickered. "How castrating," I thought. And then I gave him a mundane response so that he could disband HIS worry.

That type of "curiosity" is commonplace in my life. Friends, family, and medical personnel all question my sanity due to my interests and/or my enhanced personality features. People disbelieve what they have never experienced, especially when they have partial foundational arguements "tucked away in their pockets." And despite all the discriminatory thoughts that get shoveled my way, I believe in MANY things that fail to belong to "normal" society---whatever that is. [Is there actually a norm in the year 2008? I mean come on! A "legal" man is about to give birth to a child. Really now, think about that.]

I often have to provide calming evidence to whomever I am causing alarm. But rarely does anyone apologize to me for making me defend myself. And the best part, to me, is that the moments I am hospitalized for Mania or Depression, I am usually very alone. People may or may not be there to support me.

Besides Judith's title and the book on shamanism, I, also, got seriously interested in Carl Gustav Jung. I resonated to him right away. Initially, Carolyn Myss mentioned his theories about the universal archetypes. Then my therapist mentioned his studies about the shadow. Finally, I dug through to his concepts involving synchronicities. He is a definite soul connection for me!

Approximately three years ago, I started writing down every synchronicity I noticed. [Synchronicities occur all the time but we must be intuned to notice them. This is what the New Age and Eastern philosophy movements refer to as Awareness.] I found recording synchronicities a fascinating practice. Because of it, I began to "see" things very differently.

Suddenly many of Chris' lessons made total sense to me. I was awakening. Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth believes this is our primary role for living. I still believe loving is our primary role for living! But, awakening is certainly important in the grand scheme of things!

As I learned about the alternative and holistic modalities, I started to believe that healing from Bipolar disorder is not only possible but probable. Yet, one must apply him/herself to that healing mode---daily and with patience.

My disease has been very minimized compared to four years ago. [It has a long way to go.] I have been creating a new reality step by step by step. I lost Chris in the process. That was very hard to deal with. Obviously I think of him quite often. And I keep opening myself to the healing power of the universe where he is concerned. He is a beautiful and rare human being. It will be hard to top him and his influence on my life. But life does go on!

The last two or three years have brought me many energetic encounters. One of my dearest friends entered my sphere after I got in a major car accident and sustained neck and back injuries. My friend to be was my physical therapist. Due to insurance and ethical issues, we had to put our friendship on hold for a year. After all those issues resolved themselves, she re-entered my life and introduced me to a holistic modality called BodyTalk. Wow what a cool modality!

For two years that friend has been fine tuning my physical and mental and emotional bodies. In conjunction, a year ago I met a man that was saturated in energy "stuff." We became friends as well. Between the two friendships, I have grown a lot, and my health has increased immeasurably. [I never knew it could!] Currently, I am exposing myself to a series of craniosacral sessions. I am fascinated to see what outcome will follow.

Energy work is real. Many people cannot grasp this concept. They are dependent on viewpoints that stem from their parents or tribe(s). They refuse to open themselves to anything that they are unsure of. They are often afraid.

I began seriously investing in energetic healing when I had a severe breathing problem that lasted for over four months. I went to an otolaryngologist to correct the problem. The ENT "fired" me as a patient because my psychiatrist at the time said I was not to take any kind of steroids---topical or otherwise. The ENT told me my psychiatrist could deal with my breathing problem. [Incidentally, I had just been hospitalized for severe Mania due to a steroid pack another doctor prescribed to me for tracheitis.] I was not only shocked, I was horrifed that a physician would do such a thing! [Idealistically I thought, "Where is the Hippocratic oath when you need it?!?!] I called my friend and massage therapist about an accupuncturist she knew.

She hooked me up to the alternative modality practitioner. Within three accupuncture sessions, I was breathing problem free! That experience turned me against traditional medicine monopolies for good. Never again would I believe in the conventional practices as totally sound and solid. Instead, I opened myself to the realms of wholism. Yes, I still owned traditional modalities as frequently valid; but, I also owned that which cannot be easily seen---like accupuncture, BodyTalk, and craniosacral work.

By allowing the holistic and alternative practices into my world, I thought myself into creating a new heaven, a new firmament, a new source of energy. I found avenues that have given me a considerable amount of healing and peace.

My heart continues to expand. A year ago my friend that is currently giving me craniosacral sessions said to me something like, "It is your heart not your head that leads you." I lit up like a firecracker. Never had I conceived that if I opened my heart continously and vigilently I would heal in so many facets of my life. And, yet, I have. And people are starting to see it. They are starting to make comments about it.

As things go, I contend that each moment is ours to co-create with. I understand that my breath is life itself joining me to all who we ARE, and WERE and WILL BE. I believe in the power of Oneness. I deny the limiting thoughts that guided me for years. I feel the energy of the earth and the sky. I encompass the powers that BE so that I might free myself from all the "boxes" I drew myself into throughout my life. I believe in GOD ALMIGHTY, GOD OF LOVE AND LIGHT, GOD WHO CARES FOR AND KNOWS EVERY SINGLE BEING IN THE UNIVERSE. I sense my importance and I strive to share it with all that I can. That is my awakening. That is my path for now.

Each of us has a Way that is not indifferent or opposed to the Source of All Life. We need only arise from the ashes from which we were born, and believe in the Love that is available to our body, mind, soul and spirit. It is a beautiful place of resurrection. Each of us are a Phoenix waiting to take flight in the glory and love of who we already ARE, WERE and WILL BE. Trust in your heart and the world of healing will open to you! We each are made of energy. We each vibrate at the level we need to be for now. Trust in the process of living...

The last exciting opportunity I must relate in this blog is that a month ago I took part in a class called, "Energetic Transformations." For the first time, I actually experienced formal "training" to work with energy in a healing context. That was thrilling. I can't wait for my next experience! Who knows where such experiences will take me.

Pathology versus Persona

2008-05-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

"Pathology is the study of disease. It is sometimes very difficult to clarify the precise boundary between a state of health and a state of disease.

In a state of health, there is an adaptive capacity to acquire and allocate a balanced ration of the resources needed for survival. An insufficient amount of any resource results in a deficiency, while an excess of a resource or anything else in the environment may be toxic. In a pathological state there is either a failure or a dysregulation of the capacity to acquire and allocate needed resources and to defend effectively against threats. In some instances there may be an impaired capacity to adequately discriminate between what is harmful or beneficial and/or an impaired capacity to respond with adequate adaptive specificity.

This adaptive failure may be further magnified when a subsequent cascade of events causes further adaptive failure resulting in a disintegrative vicious cycle. In nature, there is a redundancy of checks and balance, which often acts as a safeguard preventing pathological processes. In addition, many weaknesses may be compensated by other stronger capabilities. Although constant change, stress, and distress are frequent events; pathology usually occurs only when there is an interaction of a vulnerability and a life situation that cannot be compensated because there is a sequence of failures of multiple regulatory systems which are often safeguards to disease.

Vulnerabilities to disease may be genetic, developmental and caused by prior trauma.

In most cases, specific life situations combined with specific vulnerabilities lead to disease."
[http://www.mentalhealthandillness.com/pathology.html]

"'Holistic' means body, mind and spirit connections. Traditional mental health services do not consider this view. Historically, they do not consider cure or recovery either. Nevertheless, a holistic view is important as an alternative because it contributes to a person’s healing.

This view blends eastern and western philosophies to help us understand mental illness and mental health. Western philosophy’s belief, based on objective knowledge, is that genetics, biology, and/or environment cause mental illness, and that mental illness is incurable. However, eastern philosophy, based on subjective experience, regards mind, body and spirit connections not as separate but parts of the whole. A holistic view recognizes that healing is possible.

David McMillin, a mental health professional in Virginia Beach, Virginia, has studied this view and applies it in his work. David states, 'Spirit is the life (life force), mind is the builder, and the physical is the result.' He says the individual consists of mind, body and spirit.

Mr. McMillin further states, 'The psyche or soul connects at definite anatomical centers in the physical body. For example, mind connects the physical body through the nervous system. The spiritual connections in the physical body are primarily through the glandular system, particularly the endocrine glands.' Mr. McMillin further explains, 'Another way of thinking about the soul is that it is the individual aspect of spirit. Conversely, spirit is the universal aspect of soul. Soul (psyche) is the part of us that grows and develops. Spirit is the universal creative life force of the soul’s development.'

It is the spiritual force through which we have the ability to work, to affect change, to perform over a period of time and space in a materialistic world. Spirit is the force behind our lives. Spirit is a universal principle of life. Spirit is dynamic energy — the energy we bring to our lives that gives them a spark.

By blending eastern/western philosophies, we understand that illness happens when these holistic connections become disrupted through heredity or genetics, injury or trauma, meditation practices, deep study of religious beliefs or scripture for enlightenment, not using your energy constructively, environment, or the psyche (soul) of one person influencing the psyche (soul) of another. Disorder or illness occurs when the holistic connections are out of balance. Imbalances are responsible for physical and psychological illnesses. In the holistic view, mental illness has its origin when the spiritual and/or physical become imbalanced. However, order is inherent in disorder, making a return to health possible."
[http://touchngo.com/ahs/holistic.htm]

Over the years, it has come to my attention that it is quite difficult to determine what is ME and what is the disease called Bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with the disease in 1992. Initially, my psychiatrist at the time misdiagnosed the illness. I had experienced a long period of severe Depression while I was entering my second semester of my junior year of college. Naturally, the psychiatrist assumed I had Clinical Depression.

He prescribed the new "miracle" drug, Prozac. Several weeks later I was "flying through the clouds." I was exhibiting virtually all of the symptoms of Full-blown Mania. Prozac had spiked me through to the heavens. And I knew it, so I just stopped the medication. I am not sure which thing was worse, to stay on the Prozac or to abruptly stop it without any step down of the med.

That summer was shocking and horrifying. I had no idea that one's world could spin so far out of control so quickly. I thought, "I don't have mental illness." But by the same token, I couldn't reconcile anything that happened to me or around me. One day I was sane and the next day I was not. I was embarassed and I felt like a leper. Actually, I felt damned. [I needed some sort of answer to make things better.]

I'll never forget the brief conversation I had with my step-mom about my condition. There was a guy I met in the local Crisis Stabilization Unit that had the diagnosis Schizophrenia. While I was highly psychotic from my first Mania, I thought the guy was funny and entertaining. After I had been released from the Unit and I was becoming stabilized, I felt the distortion and disparity of emotional connection between us. I tried to deny our relationship and I acted inconvenienced by his diagnosis. My step-mom immediately said, "So! Do you realize you have mental illness?"

Wow! It hit me like a ton of bricks. That summer and fall continued to be extremely hard. I spent time for Mania in the Crisis Stabilization Unit near my college campus. Then I spent additional time for Clinical Depression in a hospital in the town from which I graduated from high school. My body blew up like a balloon. My skin became blemished all over. My hands began to tremor. I knew the whole thing was just some disasterous mistake. I was caught somewhere inside myself. I didn't know who I was. But I wasn't "insanity." I just didn't know what was happening to me. But, I felt like I was Job of the Bible.

I had to take the fall semester off from college so that I could recooperate. My cognitive abilities were temporarily impaired and I needed time to heal. I did basic things to build myself back up. I worked in a retail store. I read. I watched TV and movies. Simple stuff like that.

When I returned to UF, I graduated with honors. But, I increasingedly had such a difficult time knowing what to do with myself. My identity crisis intensified. I was confused and scared. Who was I? Where was I going?

Upon graduation I moved to Virginia. I had been searching for over two years for an explanation for my predicament. Approximately six months after establishing myself in the new state, I got heavily involved in the Charismatic Christian Church (Albeit one with a Presbyterian structure). It was during this phase of my life that I learned how closely connected my pathology and my persona were.

The Charismatic Christian Church believes in the Gifts of the Holy Spirit. So, of course, at some point I, also, believed in them. I loved the rush of the Spirit moving through my congregation during praise and worship. It was powerful and awe inspiring!

1 Corinthians 14

1 Follow after charity, be zealous for spiritual gifts; but rather that you may prophesy. Prophesy... That is, declare or expound the mysteries of faith. 2 For he that speaketh in a tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God: for no man heareth. Yet by the Spirit he speaketh mysteries. Not unto men... Viz., so as to be heard, that is, so as to be understood by them. 3 But he that prophesieth speaketh to men unto edification and exhortation and comfort. 4 He that speaketh in a tongue edifieth himself: but he that prophesieth, edifieth the church. 5 And I would have you all to speak with tongues, but rather to prophesy. For greater is he that prophesieth than he that speaketh with tongues: unless perhaps he interpret, that the church may receive edification. 6 But now, brethren, if I come to you speaking with tongues, what shall I profit you, unless I speak to you either in revelation or in knowledge or in prophecy or in doctrine? 7 Even things without life that give sound, whether pipe or harp, except they give a distinction of sounds, how shall it be known what is piped or harped? 8 For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle? 9 So likewise you, except you utter by the tongue plain speech, how shall it be known what is said? For you shall be speaking into the air. 10 There are, for example, so many kinds of tongues in this world: and none is without voice. 11 If then I know not the power of the voice, I shall be to him to whom I speak a barbarian: and he that speaketh a barbarian to me. 12 So you also, forasmuch as you are zealous of spirits, seek to abound unto the edifying of the church. Of spirits... Of spiritual gifts. 13 And therefore he that speaketh by a tongue, let him pray that he may interpret. 14 For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prayeth: but my understanding is without fruit. 15 What is it then? I will pray with the spirit, I will pray also with the understanding, I will sing with the spirit, I will sing also with the understanding. 16 Else, if thou shalt bless with the spirit, how shall he that holdeth the place of the unlearned say, Amen, to thy blessing? Because he knoweth not what thou sayest. Amen... The unlearned, not knowing that you are then blessing, will not be qualified to join with you by saying Amen to your blessing. The use or abuse of strange tongues, of which the apostle here speaks, does not regard the public liturgy of the church, (in which strange tongues were never used), but certain conferences of the faithful (1 Corinthians 14:26, etc.), in which, meeting together, they discovered to one another their various miraculous gifts of the Spirit, common in those primitive times; amongst which the apostle prefers that of prophesying before that of speaking strange tongues, because it was more to the public edification. Where also not, that the Latin, used in our liturgy, is so far from being a strange or unknown tongue, that it is perhaps the best known tongue in the world. 17 For thou indeed givest thanks well: but the other is not edified. 18 I thank my God I speak with all your tongues. 19 But in the church I had rather speak five words with my understanding, that I may instruct others also: than ten thousand words in a tongue. 20 Brethren, do not become children in sense. But in malice be children: and in sense be perfect. 21 In the law it is written: In other tongues and other lips I will speak to this people: and neither so will they hear me, saith the Lord. 22 Wherefore tongues are for a sign, not to believers but to unbelievers: but prophecies, not to unbelievers but to believers. 23 If therefore the whole church come together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there come in unlearned persons or infidels, will they not say that you are mad? 24 But if all prophesy, and there come in one that believeth not or an unlearned person, he is convinced of all: he is judged of all. 25 The secrets of his heart are made manifest. And so, falling down on his face, he will adore God, affirming that God is among you indeed.
26 How is it then, brethren? When you come together, every one of you hath a psalm, hath a doctrine, hath a revelation, hath a tongue, hath an interpretation: let all things be done to edification. 27 If any speak with a tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and in course: and let one interpret. 28 But if there be no interpreter, let him hold his peace in the church and speak to himself and to God. 29 And let the prophets speak, two or three: and let the rest judge. 30 But if any thing be revealed to another sitting, let the first hold his peace. 31 For you may all prophesy, one by one, that all may learn and all may be exhorted. 32 And the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets. 33 For God is not the God of dissension, but of peace: as also I teach in all the churches of the saints. 34 Let women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted them to speak but to be subject, as also the law saith. 35 But if they would learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is a shame for a woman to speak in the church. 36 Or did the word of God come out from you? Or came it only unto you? 37 If any seem to be a prophet or spiritual, let him know the things that I write to you, that they are the commandments of the Lord. 38 But if any man know not, he shall not be known. 39 Wherefore, brethren, be zealous to prophesy: and forbid not to speak with tongues. 40 But let all things be done decently and according to order.

[http://www.newadvent.org/bible/1co014.htm]

The Church (filled with the Spirit) became my homestead for five years. Right or wrong it provided me with answers for my problems, and I desperately needed some kind of something! Where my parents were no longer, God [the Church] WAS.

My illness was sort of "in check." But my sense for heightened mysticism was being cultivated by my regular involvement with the Church. And at the time, I did not understand how my lithium worked at all. I just knew about the threat of going without lithium. [My last Floridian doctor told me never to stop taking the med. If I did I would end up even sicker.] In conjunction, I didn't understand my sickness was constantly cycling regardless of how much medication I took to manage it. I thought if I took my meds as prescribed I was cured.

I was, also, an area sales manager for a department store during that time period of my life. My retail work schedule did not allow for a consistent prescription drug regime. My shift work was always changing which kept me up late at night and then demanded that I get up early the next morning. In the end, the fluctuating schedules completely disrupted my circadian rhythms. I didn't know it, but my mind entered into a rhythm that was much higher than the average person. My thoughts would race to and fro. There was little calm. [But I FELT calm because I felt "God."]

As far as I am concerned, the ignorance on my part of how to keep myself as mentally stable as possible by using pharmacological management is a point of gross neglience concerning the medical community.

It has been my experience that most mentally ill patients receive little to no education about their diseases. As a result many patients fail to take their meds appropriately. Some patients absolutely refuse to take the meds at all! Most patients have no understanding as to why their bodies suddenly feel awkward and/or terrible on drugs. Most patients have even less understanding as to why their good (high) moments are suddenly gone with the adminstration of medications. Moreover, most patients scarcely realize that most medications need an adjustment period before the "terrors" of the side effects dissipate [And this can be awhile depending on the person involved]. Sometimes there is a period of drug experiementation to find the correct chemical combination, and patients need to understand that as well. If I had to guess, I would say most patients don't!

I learned all these lessons in "Bipolar Disorder Life Course 101." In other words, I learned the medication realities by trial and error.

After I traveled overseas to Hong Kong, I took up residence so that I could teach art and Bible in the International Christian School. My spirituality was excessive. It had been ascending through the inner recesses of my mind and soul for quite some time. I was not in a state of balance. I was not grounded. I was missionary minded. I wanted to save lives FOR God. My fervor was huge! Many Christians refer to this state as "Being on Fire for God."

The thing is, I still contend that God moved heaven and earth to get me to Hong Kong. I definitely felt "called" to my life, to my passion and to my job during that phase of my life. But the very same "calling" utterly flabbergasted me upon return to the United States. I couldn't understand it. It was beyond mind boggling!

I say I was "called" to Hong Kong because many, many personal "miracles" occurred during the year that preceeded my move overseas. One of the biggest "miracles" is that, during the fall before the move, I threw away all correspondance regarding the school and the job opening. I became terrified at the prospect of the Communist handover. Three people said bing, bing, bing, "Are you sure you want to move to Hong Kong with the Communist handover just around the corner?"

I [the pack rat] tossed away every ounce of communication between me and the school.

The following spring, after many spiritual growth spurts, I received an email from the headmaster of ICS asking me to reconsider the position. I had total peace at that point, so I did just that. I reconsidered and I replied affirmatively.

I asked my friend, Bob who was a type of Christian spiritual guru for me, to write a letter of recommendation. Within four days (regular mail delivery) Bob's glowing recommendation arrived at the school. [Half way around the globe!] And within weeks I was hired and I was on my way paper-wise! A few months later I stepped off the big overseas plane wondering how it all happened.

That plane landed in August 1997. My body-mind went into "flight" by Christmas time.

As a spiritual activist, I was into a very extreme belief system. Every waking moment, I literally tried to place myself into the fundamental concepts of God's Word. Daily I strived to understand and implement the Protestant Bible in every aspect of my life. This was impossible for me. It was overly rigorous. Furthermore, many inconsistencies within "The Faith" became clear to my mind. Each one caused me to question my most basic philosophies. Nothing was black and white any longer. I was on the mission field and life was handing me challenge after challenge. I viewed every "problem" as a crisis of belief.

I struggled emotionally with the various mental and physical strains that were hitting me without fail:

I embraced the powerful feelings I had for a man that was "seemingly" of another faith---and who was my boss. And, yet, I also, embraced the truth that we are all God's children which included my Catholic principal and my seven Catholic students (my sweet children abused over and over by their Protestant peers).

I became vigilent regarding Christian unity. I taught religious open-mindedness to my 10th grade home room class. I engaged the teenage students in worldly thoughts about every kind of Christian denomination that believed in God. I introduced the students to many different spiritual leaders/pastors. Using a Bible study that was very concrete and dynamic, I showed the students what discipleship was all about, and then I sent each student out to find his/her own Way. I understood the importance of a personal relationship with God and I wanted my students to know the importance, also.

I had a junior high school boy named Jonathan who impacted my faith quite strongly. Johnathan was quite the outcast among his peers. He would come into my art room nearly every day during his lunch hour. He would expound about this or that. His need for company was quite grand. So, I would try to be that for him.

Every day I would try to listen well as I prepared my lessons for the afternoon's classes. Jonathan would often address his beliefs about Catholicism. I have to say that that young man gave me a lot of food for thought. I knew relatively nothing about Catholicism. But I certainly did not see it as overly different from Protestanism. Yet...I fought against the Catholic doctrine because Protestant doctrine is what I was supposed to be teaching my 10th graders. It was a mental and spiritual conundrum! I didn't know what to think or do.

When the winter holidays rolled around, and my meds got botched, I began the body-mind ascension into Mania. For months my body size had been physically shrinking. [I got to a glorious size 12!!!] I attributed the weight loss to where I lived (half way up a mountain---at least 150 steps up or down to get to Karen and I's flat); and I, also, attributed it to the rough digestive problems I was experiencing from the new Chinese diet (not to mention bacteria).

Plus, for months my emotions were running on "elated." I was thrilled to be in Hong Kong. I was thrilled to have a cool roommate. I was thrilled to be teaching at ICS. I was thrilled with my students. I was thrilled with many of the parents and families I encountered. I was thrilled to be working for a fabulous principal. I was thrilled to be surrounded by a staff dedicated to Christ. I was thrilled to meet friends from all over the world. I was just plain thrilled. Constantly!

And the lower dosage of lithium [the new Hong Kong dose] allowed me to remain sooooooooo high. So good.

But there were also many hard lessons to learn, and those lessons mixed with the lessons of ecstasy made for a very extreme emotional "roller coaster ride." My body was not prepared for Hong Kong. It immediately gave way to all the pronounced emotional lessons. One major lesson was the excruciating loneliness that I felt when I first arrived in the country. [My colleagues and I often did stuff together; but, the shear "space of the move" was still immensely difficult. Everything in my world was new and different. Very little was like America. Three months into my residence, I, finally, coordinated with a number of new friends. Those friends helped to even things out quite a bit. Thank goodness! But the body damage was already done.] Most of the new faculty members suffered from some sort of similar emotional imbalance; but, their bodies were not fragile with Bipolar disorder.

I eventually began getting very irritable; and, then I got very giddy.

By the end of January, I experienced full-blown Mania. [I mistakenly missed one dose of the lithium over the Christmas holidays. That missed dose combined with the already new low dosage was just enough to push me into a heightened state of Hypomania.] {{I had a new dosage because my Hong Kong doctor knew nothing about the disease or the medication. I didn't either. All I knew was that the doctor gave me a choice to go up 50 mg or go down 50 mg. The US-Hong Kong drug translation was less than perfect. I chose 50 mg down because I knew what lithium toxicity was all about and I didn't want that.}}

It is kind of strange to be hospitalized in an all-Chinese hospital when you are English speaking. This is especially so in a psych ward where you are trying to "find and then fight" for your mind. The thing is, my condition is quite easy to diagnose in the throws of Mania or in the downward plunges of Depression. But my illness is not quite so simple to diagnose when the states are a little more midline. And my illness is not easy to treat when their is no correct cultural definition for my actions/behavior.

What is acceptable in Hong Kong is very different from what is acceptable in the United States. In my case, there was so much confusion between all the parties involved. And there were a lot of parties involved: My "English as a second language" psychiatrists, nurses and therapists; my non-altruistic headmaster, my roommate, my friends and colleagues, my family, etc.

Furthermore, It was just an interesting experience being overseas during a Manic episode. I have so many crazy (literally and figuratively) memories. For instance, I was in Macau for Chinese New Year. There were parades and colloquial events to celebrate the festival. Imagine how a Manic mind perceives such events. Everything was in neon color. Everything distorted and reshaped itself as my mind sped up and cycled again and again.

There was a boat my friends and I road on that airlifted itself to speed the trip between Hong Kong and Macau. That boat seemed so magical. The trip seemed instantneous.

And, there was my mystical vision in the hotel the night my friends realized something was wrong with me. I saw bright colors. I experienced a form of what I now term clairaudience. In other words, I inferred words and sounds from all the background noise that was around me. They were words that no one else could hear or perceive, but they were completely audible to me.

There was a lot, actually. More than I can currently relay in the scope of this blog. Not to mention, it has taken me many years to discern what was me and what was my pathology during my Overseas psychosis. Truly there is a very fine line.

There are a list of symptoms that define the diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. See them listed below.

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:
Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Sleeping too much or too little
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide

[http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm]

What I have come to recognize, however, is that the "symptoms" list seems to rule out the fluidity of our individual personalities. Moreover, the list ignores the gifts we each have.

Having invested quite a bit of my energy and study in the holistic and alternative modalities, I am now cognizant that traditional medicine is guilty of "black and white" diagnosis. That form of diagnosis really messed with me for years. Let me explain. Hypergraphia

[Hypergraphia: The driving compulsion to write; the overwhelming urge to write. Hypergraphia may compel someone to keep a voluminous journal, to jot off frequent letters to the editor, to write on toilet paper if nothing else is available, and perhaps even to compile a dictionary. Hypergraphia is the opposite of writer's block.
Temporal lobe epilepsy is associated with hypergraphia. This association has been known at least as early as 1974 (Waxman SG, Geschwind N. Hypergraphia in temporal lobe epilepsy. Neurology. 1974;24:629-36). A number of prolific writer may have had temporal lobe epilepsy, including Byron, Dante, Dostoevsky, Molière, Petrarch, Poe, and Tennyson. Hypergraphia has also been called the midnight disease. http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=26483]

is a typical symptom of Manic behavior. Writing is one of my favorite pastimes. For a very long time, I felt like I couldn't write prolifically without being classified as insane. So, I didn't write. [That was devastating to me.] Eventually, I figured out what my "sick" writing looks like and what my my "healthy" writing looks like. Generally, in mania, my hypergraphia represents itself as disjointed thought. This can be confusing to the unexperienced reader. My creative flow can be quite broad and abstract. Some individuals can mistake my flow for "unhealthy" hypergraphia.

Furthermore, over the years, feeling good and strong about myself made me nervous because I thought I would be seen as grandiose [and therefore hospitalizable]. I am "larger than life" most of the time. Anyone who really knows me can tell you that. But I have learned that I can contain the "grandiosity" factor when I am healthy. People have often misdiagnosed me as ill (using the "grandiosity" assessment) because they fail to determine whether I can higher and lower my mood elevation. If I can adjust the level of my mood easily, then I am not ill. But, people often have to ask me to adjustment my mood; because, I don't always realize my emotional level is being perceived as scary/out of control. I have spent many years "shrinking down" emotionally so that other people feel comfortable and safe. Again, that is very damaging to my self-esteem.

For example, the term Hypomania, which would be categorized in a non-Mentally ill person as enthusiasm, high performance, high energy, etc., is a classifying symptom of pathology in someone with Bipolar disorder. So, if I have pressured speech, I can be seen as symptomatic. But have you ever witnessed someone who is excited or passionate? His/her speech is pressured as well.

It is important for me to be able to be myself 100% of the time---even if that means I belong in a circus or I should hang out with the Hollywood flamboyants! [I like the Hollywood idea!!!] "Black and white" symptoms do not provide enough wiggle room for your average person that exhibits the disease Bipolar disorder. Bipolars are special people. We need to feel accepted whether we are feeling high, low, or right inbetween. Good traditional medicine can enable Bipolar people to retain more "say" in their lives. Medications do not cure the illness as I once thought. Medications merely shift the parameters for Bipolar people's emotional range. I will probably always be "larger than life." I will often feel very high highs and I will feel very low lows. It is my current lot.

It took me considerable effort to understand the difference between "Joan that is healthy" and "Joan that is ill." And I had to make that effort because until I did, I could not hold my boundries with others. I used to frequently give control over to my family and friends because I didn't know how to interpret my own emotional and physical states. I thought everyone knew better than me---could sense more accurately than me. I feared a lot. And for the longest time I felt my destiny was to be a crazy person living out of a paste board box while spending my days directing traffic in my head.

I give a tremendous amount of "healing" credit to my therapist, Susan, who worked with me diligently to help me know my authentic self. I, also, give a tremendous amount of "healing" credit to my ex-boyfriend, Chris. He taught me about energetic and metaphysical concepts. He taught me how to be me. How to not be ashamed. I will always love him for that.

It is my desire to know balance. The edge is a very interesting place---whether Manic or Depressed---but I don't like being subject to that wind. I like to know my mind. I like to feel my emotions on a sea of stillness. I prefer to surf my life with great agility and adeptness. My medications are a start to that sense of placidness. But, I believe (I know deep within) that there is a better world waiting for all of us who have been deemed Mentally ill.

Holistic modalities encourage me. I AM One with all that IS, and that is what it means to be whole. My heart opens to all the realities that have yet to be called forth in the earth plane. I am a visionary in everything I do and say. [This overwhelms many!] But, I must, until the day all those realities take fruition, take one step at a time---one foot in front of the other. If I move too fast. If I skip too many beats, I will become ill and falter in my plan. And I don't want to falter in my plan. It is important to my soul that everyone I meet will somehow feel a part of who I AM, and I will feel a part of who they ARE. Though my heart knows this instinctively and without doubt, I want my head to know it as well. It is my deepest wish. It is what I live for in the here and now.

My persona and my pathology are not far from one another. They merge in and out, in and out with every breath I take. Bipolar disorder is not so much an illness as it is a dance. Perfection comes when I know myself, and knowing myself is a lifetime path of wonder and awakening defeat. All of us are unique and special. Bipolars just tend to be on the edges of everything. Bipolars without question are exceptional beings that know the moon and the sun.

“For one crowning moment, we were creatures of the cosmic ocean" ---Edwin Eugene Aldrin Jr.

2008-05-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

“I wish you music to help with the burdens of life, and to help you release your happiness to others.”

---Ludwig von Beethoven

“For one crowning moment, we were creatures of the cosmic ocean, an epoch that a thousand years hence may be seen as the signature of our century.”

---Edwin Eugene Aldrin Jr.

"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."

---Sir Winston Churchill

"We need never be ashamed of our tears.”

---Charles Dickens

“There is no point at which you can say, 'Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap.'”

---Carrie Fisher

“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”

---Ernest Hemingway

“Only when the form grows clear to you, will the spirit become so too.”

---Robert Schumann

“Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”

---Vincent Van Gogh

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.”

---Virginia Woolf

"Melancholia is the beginning and a part of mania . . . . The development of a mania is really a worsening of the disease (melancholia) rather than a change into another disease."

--- ARETAEUS OF CAPPADOCIA (c. 30-90 AD - source of our earliest quotes on bipolar)

"Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively."

--- VOLTAIRE (1694-1778)

"My recovery from manic depression has been an evolution, not a sudden miracle."

--- PATTY DUKE (1946- )

"Again judging from my own experience, the sexual symptoms of the manic state seem to be the most powerful and important of all . . . . The normal inhibitions disappear, and sexual activity, instead of being placed, as in our Western Christian civilization, in opposition to religion, becomes associated with it. This release of the underlying sexual tension . . . seems to me to be the primary and governing factor of all the ecstasies and many other experiences of the manic state."

--- JOHN CUSTANCE (1952)

"Then I overdosed at 28, at which point I began to accept the bipolar diagnosis."

--- CARRIE FISHER (1956- )

"I know that without treatment I would not have never been able to harness my creativity in such a successful way."

--- PATTY DUKE (1946- )

"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated..."

--- KAY REDFIELD JAMISON (1946- )

"We of the craft are all crazy."

--- LORD BYRON (1788-1824)

Today has been one of those days where the melancholia is strong and forceful. My day is slow as usual. The weather is dreary and I have questioned my body over and over, "Why am I filled with a powerful chemistry that shoots out toxins and brings me down so that I need to fight inside to remain peaceful? I do not want to be this way. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever." [But what is, is.]

And, so, I have started searching for something to make myself feel better---to lift me from the internal chemical warfare. I have looked for a productivity to fill the void and distract me from the darkness. And I have found it in a mass of quotations stated by other darkened [and/or brightened] souls like myself.

My heart is such that I want to help others like me to be sucessful despite the haphazard biological "firing squad" within. Such atruism pleases my mind and gives me purpose that sweetens my life.

Bipolar disorder is a diagnosis handed out by psychiatrists within the traditional medicine field. I am grateful that my diagnosis came during this time period rather than an earlier period in history. Mental health has not been an easy pathway for mankind. There has been torture, isolation, and all sorts of ugly methodologies to solve the "insanity"of man. Though, I still consider the psychiatric field to be in the "Dark Ages," I recognize that it definitely has been a sort of "remedy" for me. Certainly the psychiatric field offers no cure for mental illness. Diagnoses merely code and classify sicknesses/disorders so that the medical community can treat the varying degrees of the disease with what they know.

I have been struggling with severe emotional ups and downs since my junior high days. [I had some very down thoughts in childhood as well.] Prior to the age of 21, I experienced more depressions than I experienced hypomanias or manias. I was very ambitious and very driven as a young woman, so all of us at the time could have just assumed my thoughts were part of my type-A personality. [And they were, just not exclusively.] I think most people that were around me back at that stage of my life thought my hypomanias were my norm. Looking back, the bursts of high were probably a mixture of early onset of the disease combined with a "brilliant" mind. [And from my perspective, both go hand in hand.]

"We all have our ups and downs, our 'off' days and our 'on' days, but if you're suffering from Bipolar disorder, these peaks and valleys are more severe. The extreme highs and lows of Bipolar disorder can disrupt daily activities and damage relationships. And although it’s treatable, many people don’t/can't recognize the warning signs and get the help they need. Since Bipolar disorder tends to worsen without treatment, it’s important to learn what the symptoms look like. Recognizing the problem is the first step to getting it under control.

Symptoms:
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Sleeping too much or too little
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide"
[http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm]

The thing you learn after you have experienced the medical community and a chronic disease enough times, is that the medical community only knows a touch about the illnesses it treats. In the psychiatric field, there are doctors, nurses and therapists that can only see the objective side of the diseases. They depend on their textbooks and perhaps the various clinical experiences they have had, but they don't know the subjective, individualized aspects of the illnesses. They don't know what their patients feel and know. Many don't recognize how different the disease is for each person diagnosed.

I am intelligent and thoughtful. I have been dedicated to understanding myself since 1998. At that point, I determined that the medical community I had totally trusted (like God) was actually quite mediocre at assessing and treating Bipolar disorder. I, also, discovered what my disease was like. I began to differentiate between my persona and my pathology. That path took over six years. I had many hospitalizations during my learning curve. It was rough!

But let me say, I am thankful for the drugs the pharmaceutical companies are currently creating and distributing. Today's products far surpass the standards of many of the older medications that used to be available to the mentally ill. For instance, when I think of Haldol, the first anti-psychotic I had administered to me both in 1992 and 1997, I am so elated to be on my present anti-psychotic medication, Seroquel.

As long as my Seroquel dosage is appropriate, I hardly realize I am on an anti-psychotic. For me, Haldol was quite the opposite. I could definitely tell that it was the same type of med that was used to tranquilize elephants. The drug made me feel horrible. I experienced great lethargy, and sometimes even intense, knife-like stabbing pain. I, also, experienced blurry, blinded vision. It controlled my outbursts but it disabled me from being able to function.

Furthermore, some old drugs have, also, not been successfully replaced with new ones. Lithium is often the only med available for the stabilization of mood disorders like Bipolar disorder. This is the case for me. No other mood stabilizer is strong enough to hold me. Lithium has terrible side effects. One key side effect is weight gain. I have been struggling with my weight for 16 years. Sometimes I even out for awhile and my metabolism begins to do its job and I lose weight. Then, inevitably, that brings on some sort of drug change. And as my drugs are changed, my weight returns. I get frustrated, but in the end, I know the Lithium keeps me sane most of the time and that is ultimately what I want.

In addition, I dislike the fact that most drugs are made for the average ill person (whoever that is) rather than being made for one particular person. [[Money! Always money! I know. I want my cake and eat it too!]]

Being a student of my body has enabled me to understand how each drug works for me, or is suppose to work. One year I connected with the fact that I just needed a slight incremental increase in my dosage to manage my disease. I was told that dosage wouldn't make a difference. As a result, I had to seriously question the judgment of the physician I was seeing because I knew what was happening with my body. And I knew what the medicine was doing in my body. The physician, apparently, did not. And he wasn't concerned with what I was saying.

I had to ask myself, "How many of this man's patients really communicate their needs effectively ?" My belief is/was that not many patients of the man had the capability to even recognize what they needed, therefore they could hardly articulate what type of dosage or medication they needed. I felt the man was adhering to some sort of guideline instead of listening to what I said---what I KNEW. And across the board, I generally, feel this way about my experience with psychiatrists. Of course, there is always an exception to the rule!

I will say that my mind can be categorized as "brilliant" at times. It is fragile, creative, deep, and highly disciplined. I have above average intelligence, but it is more than mere intelligence that I am talking about. It is a spark of refinement. It is a fire that runs quickly to the stars and back. My ex-boyfriend used to say I could reach the gods. I think he was right. However, that form of "brilliance" has had such a terrible cost at times. I relay the suffering below.

When I am ill with a fever pitched high or low, my world is upside down and inside out. I can't manage myself. [People in my life have often thought there was choice in this state. There is not choice once the damage has occurred or has been triggered.] At the point of trigger, I am decadently minded, or devastatingly directed. My highs can be brought into submission through pharmacology. It usually takes two weeks of hospitalization and a couple months of tight follow-up where I am unable to work. My lows are such that I can only wade through the heavy emotions that aim to strangle my very breath from me. I cannot take anti-depressants. Anti-depressants send me right through the glass ceiling.

But, not every high takes me to a point of de-stabilization. Nor does every low. Sometimes, I just brush the ceiling with my fingertips and I am reminded which world I live in. Many times I will experience lows like I did today. I feel the negative chemicals pouring into my body like the "ink" of a squid. And for moments, hours, days, weeks, or months I am "paralyzed."

I especially hate the highs. I will do anything to avoid them. Kay Redfield Jamison, professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins and Bipolar disorder survivor, infers that her disease, untreated, would be laced with terror. I understand this statement completely. As you ascend through to the first set of heavens brought on by mania, you see candy colored visions. You hear harps made of gold. You know no limitations, you know all that is. Your God orientation is extreme and exaggerated.

Yet, as you plummet into your "earth re-entry patterns (which are only moments away)," you cry at the searing "atmosphere" you have to pierce through. As you "land" in the material world, you become exhausted and terror stricken. Your eyes scarcely recognize the settings around you. You are very disoriented. Your heart races at a maddening pace. Every aspect of your body is in agony. And, the thought of leaping toward the "manic" heavens, again, is craziness unleashed.

But, your body is ready for another reckless jump! In fact, your body cannot stop leaping without some sort of help. It is on auto-pilot and it resembles the kamikaze warriors of the second world war. Every turbulent exposure to the excessively shiny, shrieking world of "angels and demons" is ungodly and painful.

Yes, when life evens out (if it evens out), you can admire the glimpses of "the beyond" you were given; but, ultimately, "the beyond" is an excruciating journey not made for flesh and blood so delicate. You suffer for the knowledge of heaven while on earth! You suffer as your body-mind splits and your mind assumes its celestial stance. Bipolar disorder severs the mind from its point of origin. The mind becomes lost in a cosmic sea. It waivers at where it should go. The body becomes like a chicken with its head cut off. It flops back and forth hunting for a place to reside.

I have gained a lot of wisdom from this path; but, if I had to choose another destination so that I could avoid the awful hurt, I would. I have escaped death at least three times. The knowledge that I have gleaned has scarcely been worth the various prices I have had to pay.

But, we don't get the choice of removing our history. We have lived it and it is gone. We only get the choice of now and, possibly, the choice of tomorrow. And that is what I try to make the most of.

My disease is complex. My hormones are major players in the manifestation of my disease's episodes. Every time I have been hospitalized I have been on my cycle. Each month brings me something new. I have been learning how to reconcile my body and my internal clock. I really like the books, Wild Genie and Her Blood is Gold. The books tap into the powers of the divine feminine. Cultures of the past used to worship the female before patriarchal gods became popular. I have gained a new sense of self as I have studied the belief systems of the antiquated societies, and I have learned to love and respect the body I was born with.

In addition, I have been learning about the chakra system. The chakras have really helped me to use all parts of myself. The wholeness of my body is something I knew little to nothing about before four years ago. Now, wholeness rolls off the tip of my tongue without a thought. I instinctively knew that body and mind were one. As insurance companies and doctors clamored to separate them, I held them together. My body was all over the place during my episodes. It was obvious to me that my mind affected my body and my body affected my mind. [The health insurance I have now accepts that my disease is a physical disease. I am not manufacturing my illness. This was a huge recognition. But not every insurance owns this fact.]

I have been hospital free for almost four years. I attribute my health to a lot of factors. The "chakra system" education has helped me tremendously. I have, also, studied a lot of "peace" work that the Eastern philosophies teach. I have gotten a decent mix of medications. I diligently aspire to have good sleep hygiene [this is perhaps my hardest health battle]. I am learning to love myself. I am connecting with my oneness with all that is, I am able to see the benefit of looking for and believing the positive in all I do and say. The Law of Attraction supports my healthy thought processes. Heart energizing is paramount to my feeling good. And daily living keeps me on a path that is good and solid. I am able to experience the now because I can finally recognize the now is all we will ever have. I seek to become more aware and more enlightened. I seek to know the Source---Love.

It has been far from easy. I have put tons of energy and effort into my life and my living. My passion is to give that which I have been given. And I find that the more I give the more I get! As long as I seek the Source in everything I do.

Mental health is a field that needs more recognition. One of my goals is to make people more Mental health conscious while I simultaneously maintain a good health standing with the world around me. This goal is difficult to balance. There is still so much negativity and stigma regarding Mental illness. Personally, it makes me angry. There is no difference between the body-mind. If there is a problem, it is that the medical field lacks methodologies for treating diseases that manifest as Mental illnesses. That is a reflection on the medical community, not on the Mentally ill! The Mentally ill are just a group of people waiting for their "ship to come in." [And how patiently they have waited...decade after decade, century after century, millenia after millenia.]

The mind is intricately linked to the body. They are one. The brain does not exist outside the body. It is located in the head and it connects to every part of the physical body.

The Mental illness is stigmatized because people see diseases affecting the mind as terribly disabling. It tweaks the nerve of fear in every person's archetypal shadow. The "survival of the fittest" mentality comes into full force when you hear people speaking about Mental illness with distaste and alarm. When you lack control over your mind, you become WEAK, vulnerable. There couldn't be much that is worse. Not to mention that society looks down on weakness.

I have been overcome with grim amounts of dishonor since I turned 21. First,I felt the dishonor internally. I was ashamed to be "insane." Then I felt the dishonor externally. I lost respect over and over from the people in my life because I experienced episode after episode of Mania or Depression.

But, now, after great spiritual searching as well as just plain living 37 years, I understand the choice I made before time existed. [And, yes, it has been a very long road!]

I made the choice to live as the girl and then the woman that I am now. God and I spoke about the desires I would plant and keep in my heart. God and I spoke about all the paths I would select along the way to "holy perfection." He explained the world was a beautiful place to be, and hence I accepted to go there. [Afterall, if God thought it was beautiful, what must it BE like???] And, so, in knowing my destiny to Be all that I could Be, I, also, chose to have Bipolar disorder. Believe it or not, I chose to suffer and to grow. I chose to be the me I AM.

And, here I AM.

With that knowing, I learn the love that IS and will always Be in my body and in my mind. And I gain strength to get beyond "going beyond." As I live the life I chose this go around, I understand I CAN DO this. I can Be all that I can Be. Shutting out the anxiety of my earthly brothers and sisters who have yet to remember their destiny, I step ahead, breathing one breath at a time. Believing in the Oneness that I already AM. Experiencing the healing from the sense of separateness. Feeling the wholeness that I MUST Be, because I already am WHOLE. And I finally get it.

If I believe at some stage I will receive, Bipolar disorder becomes my path to perfection. So, I practice receiving. And I practice believing. For I know that God's love is all around me and deep within me. It is God's perfection I experience when I practice to know the end of separation and disease.

Therefore, I overcome my Bipolar disorder through God's all-ecompassing love.I do this one thought at a time!