"Through the release of atomic energy, our generation has brought into the world the most revolutionary force since prehistoric man's discovery of fire. This basic force of the universe cannot be fitted into the outmoded concept of narrow nationalisms.For there is no secret and there is no defense; there is no possibility of control except through the aroused understanding and insistence of the peoples of the world. We scientists recognize our inescapable responsibility to carry to our fellow citizens an understanding of atomic energy and its implication for society. In this lies our only security and our only hope - we believe that an informed citizenry will act for life and not for death." A. Einstein, 1947 d.C.
"See where your own energy wants to go, not where you think it should go. Do something because it feels right, not because it makes sense. Follow the spiritual impulse."
---Mary Hayes-Grieco
" 'These laws of energy are not alterable. These laws have always been and will always be in existence.'
Sources: Silver Birch, White Eagle, Sathya Sai Baba, Barbara Brennan, Leslie Flint, George Meek, Arthur Findlay, Anthony Borgia, George Meek, Sir Oliver Lodge, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Sir William Crookes, Dr Robert Crookal, Sir William Barrett, the Rev C Drayton Thomas, Rev. Johannes Greber, Geraldine Cummings, Allan Kardec, Emmanuel Swedenborg, Dr Ian Stevenson, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Helen Greaves, Stainton Moses, et al.
Traditional secular scientists are now in agreement with the spiritual scientists and have conceded that all visible matter and invisible waves in the world can be reduced to 'vibrating energy'. Below you will find laws of energy taken from information accumulated over the last few hundred years of documented human experience.
When I first started doing research into psychic phenomena I was looking for psychic laws. I found that although the laws existed by imputation, no one had hitherto formulated specific universal psychic laws.
We have laws for everything - civil and criminal laws to conduct human behavior, laws of physics describing the forces which regulate the universe, laws of biology and other laws.
Accordingly, now for the very first time it is proposed that specific laws be codified about psychic energies - not just those which operate in the physical world but energies that also transcend the physical world.
Whilst more than half of the people of the world to-day will readily attest to the validity of these laws of energy it may take some decades for these laws to be universally accepted.
First Law of psychic energy: All 'solid' objects are vibrating energy. Unseen waves are also vibrating energy- sound, radio, electricity, light, television waves, microwaves, x-rays, gamma rays and psychic energy waves.
Second law of psychic energy: The mind is an 'energy station' which creates transmits and receives energy.
The will (of the mind) can change the form of energy. Thoughts, which are waves of energy, can be transmitted to and from human minds within the earthplane and to human and other entities in the afterlife in a process called telepathy.
Third law of psychic energy: All living humans have a body made up of vibrationary energy which is a duplicate of the physical body and will survive physical death. This vibrationary energy body invisible to physical eyes can change form but can never be destroyed and retains consciousness. At the time of physical death, the duplicate body will have reached a certain vibrational level and will go to an energy sphere that can accommodate those vibrations. Selfless spiritual service increases the vibrational energy of the duplicate body.
Fourth law of psychic energy: The afterlife has different levels of energy which form different spheres according to the speed of vibration. The faster the vibrations of a sphere the higher and more spiritually evolved are the entities which reside there.
Fifth law of psychic energy: The more spiritually evolved a being is the brighter the energy of the aura.
Sixth law of psychic energy: Slowing down the speed of the atomic vortices of the energy will result in materialisation. Speeding up the vortices will result in de-materialisation
Seventh law of psychic energy: Energy is a 'boomerang' - the energy you give out will return to you. Victor Zammit (May 2001)
[http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/amethystbt/psychic7lawspsychicenergy.html]
Spiritual Science was the term Rudolf Steiner used from spiritual investigations through a rigorous and careful process to achieve a high standard of accuracy. Accurate results through spiritual science could be achieved by careful and meticulous work on the seekers part to develop a high moral and spiritual character, so that his or her own inner distortions would not taint spiritual visions of the higher worlds. Seekers at similar levels of development could then achieve similar understandings of reality, much in the same way that scientists may explore the material world, thus promoting a scientific spiritual investigation. These spiritual understandings can be attained by a path of spiritual development as laid out in many of Rudolf Steiner's books, such as How to Know Higher Worlds and Spiritual Knowledge as an Intuitive Path. Although mystical perception was a part of this, character development and the proper balance of thinking, willing and feeling was an important part of self development towards a true spiritual science.
[http://www.onlinehumanities.com/spiritual-science.html]
"What is 'life force?'
The 'life force,' often called 'energy' in Western culture, is an entity that permeates and bonds all. It is sometimes referred to as the 'vital force.' In China, it is called Qi; in India it is called prana. It is believed the 'life force' extends throughout the universe and that the individual is part of an indivisible whole. Most Eastern philosophies share this common theme of universal spirit and wholeness. Individuals who practice such alternative medical approaches as meditation, yoga or tai chi do so not only because it decreases stress and anxiety and promotes general well-being, but also because it helps them connect with the 'life energy' within and around them. The belief is that because the 'life force' permeates everything, an individual is unavoidably affected by external events and energies. Thus, treatment of the individual should consider the mind/body/spirit interaction as well as an overall connection to the universe.
What is energy healing?
Energy healing is based on the belief that our 'life force' creates energy fields that are unbalanced during emotional or physical disease. Because our energy fields are part of an interconnected whole, the use of focused intention by one individual can aid in the health and well being of another. Many individuals use their own individual means of directing their intention to heal. Others practice according to schools such as Reiki. In the West, a common form of energy healing is Therapeutic Touch, which has been taught to thousands of nurses across the United States.
Healers operate in many different ways. For example, they visualize, send intentions for diseased cells to die, send intentions for cells to revert to their optimum state of health, or simply send loving energy. A common theme is the intention for the well-being of the client. Another is focusing on being a conduit for a loving, universal life force.
An interesting feature of energy healing is that it may be performed over distances of thousands of miles. The 'life force' claimed to be transmitted by energy healers does not have the properties of any known form of energy.
A comparable practice to energy healing that is used frequently in the West is prayer. A 1996 survey showed that 82 percent of Americans believed in the healing power of prayer. A survey of patients in American Cancer Society support groups for breast cancer found that 88 percent experienced beneficial effects of spiritual and religious practice.
Blending of paradigms
The idea that an energy can be transmitted from one person to affect the health of another, especially from a distance, does have some scientific merit. This idea is quite compatible with theories of quantum physics, in which there are no time/space barriers. In quantum physics, subatomic particles communicate instantaneously, and theoretically, particles can affect each other at far ends of the galaxies.
It has been about 80 years since Einstein introduced his theory of relativity and quantum mechanics was born. This represented a complete paradigm shift that still has not been incorporated into medicine. However, as the science provides more and more indications that there may be realities and energies that are beyond our current comprehension, the interest in performing scientific research to detect the effects of such energies is increasing."
[http://www.clevelandclinic.org/health/health-info/docs/2600/2613.asp?index=9821]
My ex-boyfriend, Chris, is a powerful intuitive. [One concrete example of his intuitive abilities can be seen if I relate an interaction he and I once had. I mailed a package to him. The day that I mailed the package {He lived in Nova Scotia. I lived in Virginia.}, I called him to tease him about the "soon to be coming" gift box. He told me what 6 out of the 7 items in the box were. From my perspective, the 7th item was a near miss. He said there was a statue in the box. It was a stuffed animal on a pedastal. The gift items were not particularly ordinary. They were pretty unique. Yet, he "saw" them with a technique known as Remote Viewing.]
Over the years that he and I were together, Chris taught me many things about energy. [Psychic work is simply energy work.] It took me a long time to transfer my ideologies from my upbringing to what I am into "playing" with now. But, eventually I started to get what he was trying to teach me. NOW I get a lot of what he taught me!
In my last post, I talked a little about how I began to make a distinction between my persona and the pathology of Bipolar disorder as it affects me. Chris opened me to so much of my current health awareness. I am so grateful to him.
Holistic belief systems encourage people to see themselves as whole and One with all that IS. At this time, I cannot cease my traditional medical regime to adopt holistic principles altogether. That would be reckless on my part, and I have had enough pain and suffering in my personal world. I firmly think that we each have a path that gets us to go where we must, in the end, go. But, I do believe whole-heartedly in the theories of holistic terms. And every day, I learn more and more so that, perhaps, one day I can jump feet first into the All loving universe I work to see and feel. I practice and I practice. I will eventually manifest it. I will!!!
In the meantime, energy work is fascinating to me. Somewhere along my Way, I began to experience the healing power of energy. I think I first read Anodea Judith's book Wheels of Life. The book really defined the chakra system. I, also, read a little bit about shamanism. Suddenly things began to make sense to me. Like a game of "Dot to Dot," I started connecting to many different philosophers, scientists and New Age gurus.
My Christian background limited me for a bit. I used to automatically discount certain authors because of my old spiritual belief system and my spiritual tracks. Eventually, however, Chris broke that barrier and I began to absorb lots of concepts I never knew existed. Concepts that were awesome and liberating!
I still have to work around my constraints like my various psychiatrists' prejudices regarding psychic phenomenon. For instance, recently I had a book with me when I went to my bi-monthly med check. The book was about psychic development. My doctor entered his office, saw the book title, and then contorted his face in disdain and "psychiatric curiosity." He immediately managed to work the book title into his evaluation.
I snickered. "How castrating," I thought. And then I gave him a mundane response so that he could disband HIS worry.
That type of "curiosity" is commonplace in my life. Friends, family, and medical personnel all question my sanity due to my interests and/or my enhanced personality features. People disbelieve what they have never experienced, especially when they have partial foundational arguements "tucked away in their pockets." And despite all the discriminatory thoughts that get shoveled my way, I believe in MANY things that fail to belong to "normal" society---whatever that is. [Is there actually a norm in the year 2008? I mean come on! A "legal" man is about to give birth to a child. Really now, think about that.]
I often have to provide calming evidence to whomever I am causing alarm. But rarely does anyone apologize to me for making me defend myself. And the best part, to me, is that the moments I am hospitalized for Mania or Depression, I am usually very alone. People may or may not be there to support me.
Besides Judith's title and the book on shamanism, I, also, got seriously interested in Carl Gustav Jung. I resonated to him right away. Initially, Carolyn Myss mentioned his theories about the universal archetypes. Then my therapist mentioned his studies about the shadow. Finally, I dug through to his concepts involving synchronicities. He is a definite soul connection for me!
Approximately three years ago, I started writing down every synchronicity I noticed. [Synchronicities occur all the time but we must be intuned to notice them. This is what the New Age and Eastern philosophy movements refer to as Awareness.] I found recording synchronicities a fascinating practice. Because of it, I began to "see" things very differently.
Suddenly many of Chris' lessons made total sense to me. I was awakening. Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth believes this is our primary role for living. I still believe loving is our primary role for living! But, awakening is certainly important in the grand scheme of things!
As I learned about the alternative and holistic modalities, I started to believe that healing from Bipolar disorder is not only possible but probable. Yet, one must apply him/herself to that healing mode---daily and with patience.
My disease has been very minimized compared to four years ago. [It has a long way to go.] I have been creating a new reality step by step by step. I lost Chris in the process. That was very hard to deal with. Obviously I think of him quite often. And I keep opening myself to the healing power of the universe where he is concerned. He is a beautiful and rare human being. It will be hard to top him and his influence on my life. But life does go on!
The last two or three years have brought me many energetic encounters. One of my dearest friends entered my sphere after I got in a major car accident and sustained neck and back injuries. My friend to be was my physical therapist. Due to insurance and ethical issues, we had to put our friendship on hold for a year. After all those issues resolved themselves, she re-entered my life and introduced me to a holistic modality called BodyTalk. Wow what a cool modality!
For two years that friend has been fine tuning my physical and mental and emotional bodies. In conjunction, a year ago I met a man that was saturated in energy "stuff." We became friends as well. Between the two friendships, I have grown a lot, and my health has increased immeasurably. [I never knew it could!] Currently, I am exposing myself to a series of craniosacral sessions. I am fascinated to see what outcome will follow.
Energy work is real. Many people cannot grasp this concept. They are dependent on viewpoints that stem from their parents or tribe(s). They refuse to open themselves to anything that they are unsure of. They are often afraid.
I began seriously investing in energetic healing when I had a severe breathing problem that lasted for over four months. I went to an otolaryngologist to correct the problem. The ENT "fired" me as a patient because my psychiatrist at the time said I was not to take any kind of steroids---topical or otherwise. The ENT told me my psychiatrist could deal with my breathing problem. [Incidentally, I had just been hospitalized for severe Mania due to a steroid pack another doctor prescribed to me for tracheitis.] I was not only shocked, I was horrifed that a physician would do such a thing! [Idealistically I thought, "Where is the Hippocratic oath when you need it?!?!] I called my friend and massage therapist about an accupuncturist she knew.
She hooked me up to the alternative modality practitioner. Within three accupuncture sessions, I was breathing problem free! That experience turned me against traditional medicine monopolies for good. Never again would I believe in the conventional practices as totally sound and solid. Instead, I opened myself to the realms of wholism. Yes, I still owned traditional modalities as frequently valid; but, I also owned that which cannot be easily seen---like accupuncture, BodyTalk, and craniosacral work.
By allowing the holistic and alternative practices into my world, I thought myself into creating a new heaven, a new firmament, a new source of energy. I found avenues that have given me a considerable amount of healing and peace.
My heart continues to expand. A year ago my friend that is currently giving me craniosacral sessions said to me something like, "It is your heart not your head that leads you." I lit up like a firecracker. Never had I conceived that if I opened my heart continously and vigilently I would heal in so many facets of my life. And, yet, I have. And people are starting to see it. They are starting to make comments about it.
As things go, I contend that each moment is ours to co-create with. I understand that my breath is life itself joining me to all who we ARE, and WERE and WILL BE. I believe in the power of Oneness. I deny the limiting thoughts that guided me for years. I feel the energy of the earth and the sky. I encompass the powers that BE so that I might free myself from all the "boxes" I drew myself into throughout my life. I believe in GOD ALMIGHTY, GOD OF LOVE AND LIGHT, GOD WHO CARES FOR AND KNOWS EVERY SINGLE BEING IN THE UNIVERSE. I sense my importance and I strive to share it with all that I can. That is my awakening. That is my path for now.
Each of us has a Way that is not indifferent or opposed to the Source of All Life. We need only arise from the ashes from which we were born, and believe in the Love that is available to our body, mind, soul and spirit. It is a beautiful place of resurrection. Each of us are a Phoenix waiting to take flight in the glory and love of who we already ARE, WERE and WILL BE. Trust in your heart and the world of healing will open to you! We each are made of energy. We each vibrate at the level we need to be for now. Trust in the process of living...
The last exciting opportunity I must relate in this blog is that a month ago I took part in a class called, "Energetic Transformations." For the first time, I actually experienced formal "training" to work with energy in a healing context. That was thrilling. I can't wait for my next experience! Who knows where such experiences will take me.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Pathology versus Persona
"Pathology is the study of disease. It is sometimes very difficult to clarify the precise boundary between a state of health and a state of disease.
In a state of health, there is an adaptive capacity to acquire and allocate a balanced ration of the resources needed for survival. An insufficient amount of any resource results in a deficiency, while an excess of a resource or anything else in the environment may be toxic. In a pathological state there is either a failure or a dysregulation of the capacity to acquire and allocate needed resources and to defend effectively against threats. In some instances there may be an impaired capacity to adequately discriminate between what is harmful or beneficial and/or an impaired capacity to respond with adequate adaptive specificity.
This adaptive failure may be further magnified when a subsequent cascade of events causes further adaptive failure resulting in a disintegrative vicious cycle. In nature, there is a redundancy of checks and balance, which often acts as a safeguard preventing pathological processes. In addition, many weaknesses may be compensated by other stronger capabilities. Although constant change, stress, and distress are frequent events; pathology usually occurs only when there is an interaction of a vulnerability and a life situation that cannot be compensated because there is a sequence of failures of multiple regulatory systems which are often safeguards to disease.
Vulnerabilities to disease may be genetic, developmental and caused by prior trauma.
In most cases, specific life situations combined with specific vulnerabilities lead to disease."
[http://www.mentalhealthandillness.com/pathology.html]
"'Holistic' means body, mind and spirit connections. Traditional mental health services do not consider this view. Historically, they do not consider cure or recovery either. Nevertheless, a holistic view is important as an alternative because it contributes to a person’s healing.
This view blends eastern and western philosophies to help us understand mental illness and mental health. Western philosophy’s belief, based on objective knowledge, is that genetics, biology, and/or environment cause mental illness, and that mental illness is incurable. However, eastern philosophy, based on subjective experience, regards mind, body and spirit connections not as separate but parts of the whole. A holistic view recognizes that healing is possible.
David McMillin, a mental health professional in Virginia Beach, Virginia, has studied this view and applies it in his work. David states, 'Spirit is the life (life force), mind is the builder, and the physical is the result.' He says the individual consists of mind, body and spirit.
Mr. McMillin further states, 'The psyche or soul connects at definite anatomical centers in the physical body. For example, mind connects the physical body through the nervous system. The spiritual connections in the physical body are primarily through the glandular system, particularly the endocrine glands.' Mr. McMillin further explains, 'Another way of thinking about the soul is that it is the individual aspect of spirit. Conversely, spirit is the universal aspect of soul. Soul (psyche) is the part of us that grows and develops. Spirit is the universal creative life force of the soul’s development.'
It is the spiritual force through which we have the ability to work, to affect change, to perform over a period of time and space in a materialistic world. Spirit is the force behind our lives. Spirit is a universal principle of life. Spirit is dynamic energy — the energy we bring to our lives that gives them a spark.
By blending eastern/western philosophies, we understand that illness happens when these holistic connections become disrupted through heredity or genetics, injury or trauma, meditation practices, deep study of religious beliefs or scripture for enlightenment, not using your energy constructively, environment, or the psyche (soul) of one person influencing the psyche (soul) of another. Disorder or illness occurs when the holistic connections are out of balance. Imbalances are responsible for physical and psychological illnesses. In the holistic view, mental illness has its origin when the spiritual and/or physical become imbalanced. However, order is inherent in disorder, making a return to health possible."
[http://touchngo.com/ahs/holistic.htm]
Over the years, it has come to my attention that it is quite difficult to determine what is ME and what is the disease called Bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with the disease in 1992. Initially, my psychiatrist at the time misdiagnosed the illness. I had experienced a long period of severe Depression while I was entering my second semester of my junior year of college. Naturally, the psychiatrist assumed I had Clinical Depression.
He prescribed the new "miracle" drug, Prozac. Several weeks later I was "flying through the clouds." I was exhibiting virtually all of the symptoms of Full-blown Mania. Prozac had spiked me through to the heavens. And I knew it, so I just stopped the medication. I am not sure which thing was worse, to stay on the Prozac or to abruptly stop it without any step down of the med.
That summer was shocking and horrifying. I had no idea that one's world could spin so far out of control so quickly. I thought, "I don't have mental illness." But by the same token, I couldn't reconcile anything that happened to me or around me. One day I was sane and the next day I was not. I was embarassed and I felt like a leper. Actually, I felt damned. [I needed some sort of answer to make things better.]
I'll never forget the brief conversation I had with my step-mom about my condition. There was a guy I met in the local Crisis Stabilization Unit that had the diagnosis Schizophrenia. While I was highly psychotic from my first Mania, I thought the guy was funny and entertaining. After I had been released from the Unit and I was becoming stabilized, I felt the distortion and disparity of emotional connection between us. I tried to deny our relationship and I acted inconvenienced by his diagnosis. My step-mom immediately said, "So! Do you realize you have mental illness?"
Wow! It hit me like a ton of bricks. That summer and fall continued to be extremely hard. I spent time for Mania in the Crisis Stabilization Unit near my college campus. Then I spent additional time for Clinical Depression in a hospital in the town from which I graduated from high school. My body blew up like a balloon. My skin became blemished all over. My hands began to tremor. I knew the whole thing was just some disasterous mistake. I was caught somewhere inside myself. I didn't know who I was. But I wasn't "insanity." I just didn't know what was happening to me. But, I felt like I was Job of the Bible.
I had to take the fall semester off from college so that I could recooperate. My cognitive abilities were temporarily impaired and I needed time to heal. I did basic things to build myself back up. I worked in a retail store. I read. I watched TV and movies. Simple stuff like that.
When I returned to UF, I graduated with honors. But, I increasingedly had such a difficult time knowing what to do with myself. My identity crisis intensified. I was confused and scared. Who was I? Where was I going?
Upon graduation I moved to Virginia. I had been searching for over two years for an explanation for my predicament. Approximately six months after establishing myself in the new state, I got heavily involved in the Charismatic Christian Church (Albeit one with a Presbyterian structure). It was during this phase of my life that I learned how closely connected my pathology and my persona were.
The Charismatic Christian Church believes in the Gifts of the Holy Spirit. So, of course, at some point I, also, believed in them. I loved the rush of the Spirit moving through my congregation during praise and worship. It was powerful and awe inspiring!
1 Corinthians 14
1 Follow after charity, be zealous for spiritual gifts; but rather that you may prophesy. Prophesy... That is, declare or expound the mysteries of faith. 2 For he that speaketh in a tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God: for no man heareth. Yet by the Spirit he speaketh mysteries. Not unto men... Viz., so as to be heard, that is, so as to be understood by them. 3 But he that prophesieth speaketh to men unto edification and exhortation and comfort. 4 He that speaketh in a tongue edifieth himself: but he that prophesieth, edifieth the church. 5 And I would have you all to speak with tongues, but rather to prophesy. For greater is he that prophesieth than he that speaketh with tongues: unless perhaps he interpret, that the church may receive edification. 6 But now, brethren, if I come to you speaking with tongues, what shall I profit you, unless I speak to you either in revelation or in knowledge or in prophecy or in doctrine? 7 Even things without life that give sound, whether pipe or harp, except they give a distinction of sounds, how shall it be known what is piped or harped? 8 For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle? 9 So likewise you, except you utter by the tongue plain speech, how shall it be known what is said? For you shall be speaking into the air. 10 There are, for example, so many kinds of tongues in this world: and none is without voice. 11 If then I know not the power of the voice, I shall be to him to whom I speak a barbarian: and he that speaketh a barbarian to me. 12 So you also, forasmuch as you are zealous of spirits, seek to abound unto the edifying of the church. Of spirits... Of spiritual gifts. 13 And therefore he that speaketh by a tongue, let him pray that he may interpret. 14 For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prayeth: but my understanding is without fruit. 15 What is it then? I will pray with the spirit, I will pray also with the understanding, I will sing with the spirit, I will sing also with the understanding. 16 Else, if thou shalt bless with the spirit, how shall he that holdeth the place of the unlearned say, Amen, to thy blessing? Because he knoweth not what thou sayest. Amen... The unlearned, not knowing that you are then blessing, will not be qualified to join with you by saying Amen to your blessing. The use or abuse of strange tongues, of which the apostle here speaks, does not regard the public liturgy of the church, (in which strange tongues were never used), but certain conferences of the faithful (1 Corinthians 14:26, etc.), in which, meeting together, they discovered to one another their various miraculous gifts of the Spirit, common in those primitive times; amongst which the apostle prefers that of prophesying before that of speaking strange tongues, because it was more to the public edification. Where also not, that the Latin, used in our liturgy, is so far from being a strange or unknown tongue, that it is perhaps the best known tongue in the world. 17 For thou indeed givest thanks well: but the other is not edified. 18 I thank my God I speak with all your tongues. 19 But in the church I had rather speak five words with my understanding, that I may instruct others also: than ten thousand words in a tongue. 20 Brethren, do not become children in sense. But in malice be children: and in sense be perfect. 21 In the law it is written: In other tongues and other lips I will speak to this people: and neither so will they hear me, saith the Lord. 22 Wherefore tongues are for a sign, not to believers but to unbelievers: but prophecies, not to unbelievers but to believers. 23 If therefore the whole church come together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there come in unlearned persons or infidels, will they not say that you are mad? 24 But if all prophesy, and there come in one that believeth not or an unlearned person, he is convinced of all: he is judged of all. 25 The secrets of his heart are made manifest. And so, falling down on his face, he will adore God, affirming that God is among you indeed.
26 How is it then, brethren? When you come together, every one of you hath a psalm, hath a doctrine, hath a revelation, hath a tongue, hath an interpretation: let all things be done to edification. 27 If any speak with a tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and in course: and let one interpret. 28 But if there be no interpreter, let him hold his peace in the church and speak to himself and to God. 29 And let the prophets speak, two or three: and let the rest judge. 30 But if any thing be revealed to another sitting, let the first hold his peace. 31 For you may all prophesy, one by one, that all may learn and all may be exhorted. 32 And the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets. 33 For God is not the God of dissension, but of peace: as also I teach in all the churches of the saints. 34 Let women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted them to speak but to be subject, as also the law saith. 35 But if they would learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is a shame for a woman to speak in the church. 36 Or did the word of God come out from you? Or came it only unto you? 37 If any seem to be a prophet or spiritual, let him know the things that I write to you, that they are the commandments of the Lord. 38 But if any man know not, he shall not be known. 39 Wherefore, brethren, be zealous to prophesy: and forbid not to speak with tongues. 40 But let all things be done decently and according to order.
[http://www.newadvent.org/bible/1co014.htm]
The Church (filled with the Spirit) became my homestead for five years. Right or wrong it provided me with answers for my problems, and I desperately needed some kind of something! Where my parents were no longer, God [the Church] WAS.
My illness was sort of "in check." But my sense for heightened mysticism was being cultivated by my regular involvement with the Church. And at the time, I did not understand how my lithium worked at all. I just knew about the threat of going without lithium. [My last Floridian doctor told me never to stop taking the med. If I did I would end up even sicker.] In conjunction, I didn't understand my sickness was constantly cycling regardless of how much medication I took to manage it. I thought if I took my meds as prescribed I was cured.
I was, also, an area sales manager for a department store during that time period of my life. My retail work schedule did not allow for a consistent prescription drug regime. My shift work was always changing which kept me up late at night and then demanded that I get up early the next morning. In the end, the fluctuating schedules completely disrupted my circadian rhythms. I didn't know it, but my mind entered into a rhythm that was much higher than the average person. My thoughts would race to and fro. There was little calm. [But I FELT calm because I felt "God."]
As far as I am concerned, the ignorance on my part of how to keep myself as mentally stable as possible by using pharmacological management is a point of gross neglience concerning the medical community.
It has been my experience that most mentally ill patients receive little to no education about their diseases. As a result many patients fail to take their meds appropriately. Some patients absolutely refuse to take the meds at all! Most patients have no understanding as to why their bodies suddenly feel awkward and/or terrible on drugs. Most patients have even less understanding as to why their good (high) moments are suddenly gone with the adminstration of medications. Moreover, most patients scarcely realize that most medications need an adjustment period before the "terrors" of the side effects dissipate [And this can be awhile depending on the person involved]. Sometimes there is a period of drug experiementation to find the correct chemical combination, and patients need to understand that as well. If I had to guess, I would say most patients don't!
I learned all these lessons in "Bipolar Disorder Life Course 101." In other words, I learned the medication realities by trial and error.
After I traveled overseas to Hong Kong, I took up residence so that I could teach art and Bible in the International Christian School. My spirituality was excessive. It had been ascending through the inner recesses of my mind and soul for quite some time. I was not in a state of balance. I was not grounded. I was missionary minded. I wanted to save lives FOR God. My fervor was huge! Many Christians refer to this state as "Being on Fire for God."
The thing is, I still contend that God moved heaven and earth to get me to Hong Kong. I definitely felt "called" to my life, to my passion and to my job during that phase of my life. But the very same "calling" utterly flabbergasted me upon return to the United States. I couldn't understand it. It was beyond mind boggling!
I say I was "called" to Hong Kong because many, many personal "miracles" occurred during the year that preceeded my move overseas. One of the biggest "miracles" is that, during the fall before the move, I threw away all correspondance regarding the school and the job opening. I became terrified at the prospect of the Communist handover. Three people said bing, bing, bing, "Are you sure you want to move to Hong Kong with the Communist handover just around the corner?"
I [the pack rat] tossed away every ounce of communication between me and the school.
The following spring, after many spiritual growth spurts, I received an email from the headmaster of ICS asking me to reconsider the position. I had total peace at that point, so I did just that. I reconsidered and I replied affirmatively.
I asked my friend, Bob who was a type of Christian spiritual guru for me, to write a letter of recommendation. Within four days (regular mail delivery) Bob's glowing recommendation arrived at the school. [Half way around the globe!] And within weeks I was hired and I was on my way paper-wise! A few months later I stepped off the big overseas plane wondering how it all happened.
That plane landed in August 1997. My body-mind went into "flight" by Christmas time.
As a spiritual activist, I was into a very extreme belief system. Every waking moment, I literally tried to place myself into the fundamental concepts of God's Word. Daily I strived to understand and implement the Protestant Bible in every aspect of my life. This was impossible for me. It was overly rigorous. Furthermore, many inconsistencies within "The Faith" became clear to my mind. Each one caused me to question my most basic philosophies. Nothing was black and white any longer. I was on the mission field and life was handing me challenge after challenge. I viewed every "problem" as a crisis of belief.
I struggled emotionally with the various mental and physical strains that were hitting me without fail:
I embraced the powerful feelings I had for a man that was "seemingly" of another faith---and who was my boss. And, yet, I also, embraced the truth that we are all God's children which included my Catholic principal and my seven Catholic students (my sweet children abused over and over by their Protestant peers).
I became vigilent regarding Christian unity. I taught religious open-mindedness to my 10th grade home room class. I engaged the teenage students in worldly thoughts about every kind of Christian denomination that believed in God. I introduced the students to many different spiritual leaders/pastors. Using a Bible study that was very concrete and dynamic, I showed the students what discipleship was all about, and then I sent each student out to find his/her own Way. I understood the importance of a personal relationship with God and I wanted my students to know the importance, also.
In a state of health, there is an adaptive capacity to acquire and allocate a balanced ration of the resources needed for survival. An insufficient amount of any resource results in a deficiency, while an excess of a resource or anything else in the environment may be toxic. In a pathological state there is either a failure or a dysregulation of the capacity to acquire and allocate needed resources and to defend effectively against threats. In some instances there may be an impaired capacity to adequately discriminate between what is harmful or beneficial and/or an impaired capacity to respond with adequate adaptive specificity.
This adaptive failure may be further magnified when a subsequent cascade of events causes further adaptive failure resulting in a disintegrative vicious cycle. In nature, there is a redundancy of checks and balance, which often acts as a safeguard preventing pathological processes. In addition, many weaknesses may be compensated by other stronger capabilities. Although constant change, stress, and distress are frequent events; pathology usually occurs only when there is an interaction of a vulnerability and a life situation that cannot be compensated because there is a sequence of failures of multiple regulatory systems which are often safeguards to disease.
Vulnerabilities to disease may be genetic, developmental and caused by prior trauma.
In most cases, specific life situations combined with specific vulnerabilities lead to disease."
[http://www.mentalhealthandillness.com/pathology.html]
"'Holistic' means body, mind and spirit connections. Traditional mental health services do not consider this view. Historically, they do not consider cure or recovery either. Nevertheless, a holistic view is important as an alternative because it contributes to a person’s healing.
This view blends eastern and western philosophies to help us understand mental illness and mental health. Western philosophy’s belief, based on objective knowledge, is that genetics, biology, and/or environment cause mental illness, and that mental illness is incurable. However, eastern philosophy, based on subjective experience, regards mind, body and spirit connections not as separate but parts of the whole. A holistic view recognizes that healing is possible.
David McMillin, a mental health professional in Virginia Beach, Virginia, has studied this view and applies it in his work. David states, 'Spirit is the life (life force), mind is the builder, and the physical is the result.' He says the individual consists of mind, body and spirit.
Mr. McMillin further states, 'The psyche or soul connects at definite anatomical centers in the physical body. For example, mind connects the physical body through the nervous system. The spiritual connections in the physical body are primarily through the glandular system, particularly the endocrine glands.' Mr. McMillin further explains, 'Another way of thinking about the soul is that it is the individual aspect of spirit. Conversely, spirit is the universal aspect of soul. Soul (psyche) is the part of us that grows and develops. Spirit is the universal creative life force of the soul’s development.'
It is the spiritual force through which we have the ability to work, to affect change, to perform over a period of time and space in a materialistic world. Spirit is the force behind our lives. Spirit is a universal principle of life. Spirit is dynamic energy — the energy we bring to our lives that gives them a spark.
By blending eastern/western philosophies, we understand that illness happens when these holistic connections become disrupted through heredity or genetics, injury or trauma, meditation practices, deep study of religious beliefs or scripture for enlightenment, not using your energy constructively, environment, or the psyche (soul) of one person influencing the psyche (soul) of another. Disorder or illness occurs when the holistic connections are out of balance. Imbalances are responsible for physical and psychological illnesses. In the holistic view, mental illness has its origin when the spiritual and/or physical become imbalanced. However, order is inherent in disorder, making a return to health possible."
[http://touchngo.com/ahs/holistic.htm]
Over the years, it has come to my attention that it is quite difficult to determine what is ME and what is the disease called Bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with the disease in 1992. Initially, my psychiatrist at the time misdiagnosed the illness. I had experienced a long period of severe Depression while I was entering my second semester of my junior year of college. Naturally, the psychiatrist assumed I had Clinical Depression.
He prescribed the new "miracle" drug, Prozac. Several weeks later I was "flying through the clouds." I was exhibiting virtually all of the symptoms of Full-blown Mania. Prozac had spiked me through to the heavens. And I knew it, so I just stopped the medication. I am not sure which thing was worse, to stay on the Prozac or to abruptly stop it without any step down of the med.
That summer was shocking and horrifying. I had no idea that one's world could spin so far out of control so quickly. I thought, "I don't have mental illness." But by the same token, I couldn't reconcile anything that happened to me or around me. One day I was sane and the next day I was not. I was embarassed and I felt like a leper. Actually, I felt damned. [I needed some sort of answer to make things better.]
I'll never forget the brief conversation I had with my step-mom about my condition. There was a guy I met in the local Crisis Stabilization Unit that had the diagnosis Schizophrenia. While I was highly psychotic from my first Mania, I thought the guy was funny and entertaining. After I had been released from the Unit and I was becoming stabilized, I felt the distortion and disparity of emotional connection between us. I tried to deny our relationship and I acted inconvenienced by his diagnosis. My step-mom immediately said, "So! Do you realize you have mental illness?"
Wow! It hit me like a ton of bricks. That summer and fall continued to be extremely hard. I spent time for Mania in the Crisis Stabilization Unit near my college campus. Then I spent additional time for Clinical Depression in a hospital in the town from which I graduated from high school. My body blew up like a balloon. My skin became blemished all over. My hands began to tremor. I knew the whole thing was just some disasterous mistake. I was caught somewhere inside myself. I didn't know who I was. But I wasn't "insanity." I just didn't know what was happening to me. But, I felt like I was Job of the Bible.
I had to take the fall semester off from college so that I could recooperate. My cognitive abilities were temporarily impaired and I needed time to heal. I did basic things to build myself back up. I worked in a retail store. I read. I watched TV and movies. Simple stuff like that.
When I returned to UF, I graduated with honors. But, I increasingedly had such a difficult time knowing what to do with myself. My identity crisis intensified. I was confused and scared. Who was I? Where was I going?
Upon graduation I moved to Virginia. I had been searching for over two years for an explanation for my predicament. Approximately six months after establishing myself in the new state, I got heavily involved in the Charismatic Christian Church (Albeit one with a Presbyterian structure). It was during this phase of my life that I learned how closely connected my pathology and my persona were.
The Charismatic Christian Church believes in the Gifts of the Holy Spirit. So, of course, at some point I, also, believed in them. I loved the rush of the Spirit moving through my congregation during praise and worship. It was powerful and awe inspiring!
1 Corinthians 14
1 Follow after charity, be zealous for spiritual gifts; but rather that you may prophesy. Prophesy... That is, declare or expound the mysteries of faith. 2 For he that speaketh in a tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God: for no man heareth. Yet by the Spirit he speaketh mysteries. Not unto men... Viz., so as to be heard, that is, so as to be understood by them. 3 But he that prophesieth speaketh to men unto edification and exhortation and comfort. 4 He that speaketh in a tongue edifieth himself: but he that prophesieth, edifieth the church. 5 And I would have you all to speak with tongues, but rather to prophesy. For greater is he that prophesieth than he that speaketh with tongues: unless perhaps he interpret, that the church may receive edification. 6 But now, brethren, if I come to you speaking with tongues, what shall I profit you, unless I speak to you either in revelation or in knowledge or in prophecy or in doctrine? 7 Even things without life that give sound, whether pipe or harp, except they give a distinction of sounds, how shall it be known what is piped or harped? 8 For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle? 9 So likewise you, except you utter by the tongue plain speech, how shall it be known what is said? For you shall be speaking into the air. 10 There are, for example, so many kinds of tongues in this world: and none is without voice. 11 If then I know not the power of the voice, I shall be to him to whom I speak a barbarian: and he that speaketh a barbarian to me. 12 So you also, forasmuch as you are zealous of spirits, seek to abound unto the edifying of the church. Of spirits... Of spiritual gifts. 13 And therefore he that speaketh by a tongue, let him pray that he may interpret. 14 For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prayeth: but my understanding is without fruit. 15 What is it then? I will pray with the spirit, I will pray also with the understanding, I will sing with the spirit, I will sing also with the understanding. 16 Else, if thou shalt bless with the spirit, how shall he that holdeth the place of the unlearned say, Amen, to thy blessing? Because he knoweth not what thou sayest. Amen... The unlearned, not knowing that you are then blessing, will not be qualified to join with you by saying Amen to your blessing. The use or abuse of strange tongues, of which the apostle here speaks, does not regard the public liturgy of the church, (in which strange tongues were never used), but certain conferences of the faithful (1 Corinthians 14:26, etc.), in which, meeting together, they discovered to one another their various miraculous gifts of the Spirit, common in those primitive times; amongst which the apostle prefers that of prophesying before that of speaking strange tongues, because it was more to the public edification. Where also not, that the Latin, used in our liturgy, is so far from being a strange or unknown tongue, that it is perhaps the best known tongue in the world. 17 For thou indeed givest thanks well: but the other is not edified. 18 I thank my God I speak with all your tongues. 19 But in the church I had rather speak five words with my understanding, that I may instruct others also: than ten thousand words in a tongue. 20 Brethren, do not become children in sense. But in malice be children: and in sense be perfect. 21 In the law it is written: In other tongues and other lips I will speak to this people: and neither so will they hear me, saith the Lord. 22 Wherefore tongues are for a sign, not to believers but to unbelievers: but prophecies, not to unbelievers but to believers. 23 If therefore the whole church come together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there come in unlearned persons or infidels, will they not say that you are mad? 24 But if all prophesy, and there come in one that believeth not or an unlearned person, he is convinced of all: he is judged of all. 25 The secrets of his heart are made manifest. And so, falling down on his face, he will adore God, affirming that God is among you indeed.
26 How is it then, brethren? When you come together, every one of you hath a psalm, hath a doctrine, hath a revelation, hath a tongue, hath an interpretation: let all things be done to edification. 27 If any speak with a tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and in course: and let one interpret. 28 But if there be no interpreter, let him hold his peace in the church and speak to himself and to God. 29 And let the prophets speak, two or three: and let the rest judge. 30 But if any thing be revealed to another sitting, let the first hold his peace. 31 For you may all prophesy, one by one, that all may learn and all may be exhorted. 32 And the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets. 33 For God is not the God of dissension, but of peace: as also I teach in all the churches of the saints. 34 Let women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted them to speak but to be subject, as also the law saith. 35 But if they would learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is a shame for a woman to speak in the church. 36 Or did the word of God come out from you? Or came it only unto you? 37 If any seem to be a prophet or spiritual, let him know the things that I write to you, that they are the commandments of the Lord. 38 But if any man know not, he shall not be known. 39 Wherefore, brethren, be zealous to prophesy: and forbid not to speak with tongues. 40 But let all things be done decently and according to order.
[http://www.newadvent.org/bible/1co014.htm]
The Church (filled with the Spirit) became my homestead for five years. Right or wrong it provided me with answers for my problems, and I desperately needed some kind of something! Where my parents were no longer, God [the Church] WAS.
My illness was sort of "in check." But my sense for heightened mysticism was being cultivated by my regular involvement with the Church. And at the time, I did not understand how my lithium worked at all. I just knew about the threat of going without lithium. [My last Floridian doctor told me never to stop taking the med. If I did I would end up even sicker.] In conjunction, I didn't understand my sickness was constantly cycling regardless of how much medication I took to manage it. I thought if I took my meds as prescribed I was cured.
I was, also, an area sales manager for a department store during that time period of my life. My retail work schedule did not allow for a consistent prescription drug regime. My shift work was always changing which kept me up late at night and then demanded that I get up early the next morning. In the end, the fluctuating schedules completely disrupted my circadian rhythms. I didn't know it, but my mind entered into a rhythm that was much higher than the average person. My thoughts would race to and fro. There was little calm. [But I FELT calm because I felt "God."]
As far as I am concerned, the ignorance on my part of how to keep myself as mentally stable as possible by using pharmacological management is a point of gross neglience concerning the medical community.
It has been my experience that most mentally ill patients receive little to no education about their diseases. As a result many patients fail to take their meds appropriately. Some patients absolutely refuse to take the meds at all! Most patients have no understanding as to why their bodies suddenly feel awkward and/or terrible on drugs. Most patients have even less understanding as to why their good (high) moments are suddenly gone with the adminstration of medications. Moreover, most patients scarcely realize that most medications need an adjustment period before the "terrors" of the side effects dissipate [And this can be awhile depending on the person involved]. Sometimes there is a period of drug experiementation to find the correct chemical combination, and patients need to understand that as well. If I had to guess, I would say most patients don't!
I learned all these lessons in "Bipolar Disorder Life Course 101." In other words, I learned the medication realities by trial and error.
After I traveled overseas to Hong Kong, I took up residence so that I could teach art and Bible in the International Christian School. My spirituality was excessive. It had been ascending through the inner recesses of my mind and soul for quite some time. I was not in a state of balance. I was not grounded. I was missionary minded. I wanted to save lives FOR God. My fervor was huge! Many Christians refer to this state as "Being on Fire for God."
The thing is, I still contend that God moved heaven and earth to get me to Hong Kong. I definitely felt "called" to my life, to my passion and to my job during that phase of my life. But the very same "calling" utterly flabbergasted me upon return to the United States. I couldn't understand it. It was beyond mind boggling!
I say I was "called" to Hong Kong because many, many personal "miracles" occurred during the year that preceeded my move overseas. One of the biggest "miracles" is that, during the fall before the move, I threw away all correspondance regarding the school and the job opening. I became terrified at the prospect of the Communist handover. Three people said bing, bing, bing, "Are you sure you want to move to Hong Kong with the Communist handover just around the corner?"
I [the pack rat] tossed away every ounce of communication between me and the school.
The following spring, after many spiritual growth spurts, I received an email from the headmaster of ICS asking me to reconsider the position. I had total peace at that point, so I did just that. I reconsidered and I replied affirmatively.
I asked my friend, Bob who was a type of Christian spiritual guru for me, to write a letter of recommendation. Within four days (regular mail delivery) Bob's glowing recommendation arrived at the school. [Half way around the globe!] And within weeks I was hired and I was on my way paper-wise! A few months later I stepped off the big overseas plane wondering how it all happened.
That plane landed in August 1997. My body-mind went into "flight" by Christmas time.
As a spiritual activist, I was into a very extreme belief system. Every waking moment, I literally tried to place myself into the fundamental concepts of God's Word. Daily I strived to understand and implement the Protestant Bible in every aspect of my life. This was impossible for me. It was overly rigorous. Furthermore, many inconsistencies within "The Faith" became clear to my mind. Each one caused me to question my most basic philosophies. Nothing was black and white any longer. I was on the mission field and life was handing me challenge after challenge. I viewed every "problem" as a crisis of belief.
I struggled emotionally with the various mental and physical strains that were hitting me without fail:
I embraced the powerful feelings I had for a man that was "seemingly" of another faith---and who was my boss. And, yet, I also, embraced the truth that we are all God's children which included my Catholic principal and my seven Catholic students (my sweet children abused over and over by their Protestant peers).
I became vigilent regarding Christian unity. I taught religious open-mindedness to my 10th grade home room class. I engaged the teenage students in worldly thoughts about every kind of Christian denomination that believed in God. I introduced the students to many different spiritual leaders/pastors. Using a Bible study that was very concrete and dynamic, I showed the students what discipleship was all about, and then I sent each student out to find his/her own Way. I understood the importance of a personal relationship with God and I wanted my students to know the importance, also.
I had a junior high school boy named Jonathan who impacted my faith quite strongly. Johnathan was quite the outcast among his peers. He would come into my art room nearly every day during his lunch hour. He would expound about this or that. His need for company was quite grand. So, I would try to be that for him.
Every day I would try to listen well as I prepared my lessons for the afternoon's classes. Jonathan would often address his beliefs about Catholicism. I have to say that that young man gave me a lot of food for thought. I knew relatively nothing about Catholicism. But I certainly did not see it as overly different from Protestanism. Yet...I fought against the Catholic doctrine because Protestant doctrine is what I was supposed to be teaching my 10th graders. It was a mental and spiritual conundrum! I didn't know what to think or do.
When the winter holidays rolled around, and my meds got botched, I began the body-mind ascension into Mania. For months my body size had been physically shrinking. [I got to a glorious size 12!!!] I attributed the weight loss to where I lived (half way up a mountain---at least 150 steps up or down to get to Karen and I's flat); and I, also, attributed it to the rough digestive problems I was experiencing from the new Chinese diet (not to mention bacteria).
Plus, for months my emotions were running on "elated." I was thrilled to be in Hong Kong. I was thrilled to have a cool roommate. I was thrilled to be teaching at ICS. I was thrilled with my students. I was thrilled with many of the parents and families I encountered. I was thrilled to be working for a fabulous principal. I was thrilled to be surrounded by a staff dedicated to Christ. I was thrilled to meet friends from all over the world. I was just plain thrilled. Constantly!
And the lower dosage of lithium [the new Hong Kong dose] allowed me to remain sooooooooo high. So good.
But there were also many hard lessons to learn, and those lessons mixed with the lessons of ecstasy made for a very extreme emotional "roller coaster ride." My body was not prepared for Hong Kong. It immediately gave way to all the pronounced emotional lessons. One major lesson was the excruciating loneliness that I felt when I first arrived in the country. [My colleagues and I often did stuff together; but, the shear "space of the move" was still immensely difficult. Everything in my world was new and different. Very little was like America. Three months into my residence, I, finally, coordinated with a number of new friends. Those friends helped to even things out quite a bit. Thank goodness! But the body damage was already done.] Most of the new faculty members suffered from some sort of similar emotional imbalance; but, their bodies were not fragile with Bipolar disorder.
I eventually began getting very irritable; and, then I got very giddy.
By the end of January, I experienced full-blown Mania. [I mistakenly missed one dose of the lithium over the Christmas holidays. That missed dose combined with the already new low dosage was just enough to push me into a heightened state of Hypomania.] {{I had a new dosage because my Hong Kong doctor knew nothing about the disease or the medication. I didn't either. All I knew was that the doctor gave me a choice to go up 50 mg or go down 50 mg. The US-Hong Kong drug translation was less than perfect. I chose 50 mg down because I knew what lithium toxicity was all about and I didn't want that.}}
It is kind of strange to be hospitalized in an all-Chinese hospital when you are English speaking. This is especially so in a psych ward where you are trying to "find and then fight" for your mind. The thing is, my condition is quite easy to diagnose in the throws of Mania or in the downward plunges of Depression. But my illness is not quite so simple to diagnose when the states are a little more midline. And my illness is not easy to treat when their is no correct cultural definition for my actions/behavior.
What is acceptable in Hong Kong is very different from what is acceptable in the United States. In my case, there was so much confusion between all the parties involved. And there were a lot of parties involved: My "English as a second language" psychiatrists, nurses and therapists; my non-altruistic headmaster, my roommate, my friends and colleagues, my family, etc.
Furthermore, It was just an interesting experience being overseas during a Manic episode. I have so many crazy (literally and figuratively) memories. For instance, I was in Macau for Chinese New Year. There were parades and colloquial events to celebrate the festival. Imagine how a Manic mind perceives such events. Everything was in neon color. Everything distorted and reshaped itself as my mind sped up and cycled again and again.
There was a boat my friends and I road on that airlifted itself to speed the trip between Hong Kong and Macau. That boat seemed so magical. The trip seemed instantneous.
And, there was my mystical vision in the hotel the night my friends realized something was wrong with me. I saw bright colors. I experienced a form of what I now term clairaudience. In other words, I inferred words and sounds from all the background noise that was around me. They were words that no one else could hear or perceive, but they were completely audible to me.
There was a lot, actually. More than I can currently relay in the scope of this blog. Not to mention, it has taken me many years to discern what was me and what was my pathology during my Overseas psychosis. Truly there is a very fine line.
There are a list of symptoms that define the diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. See them listed below.
Common signs and symptoms of mania include:
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)
Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:
Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Sleeping too much or too little
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide
[http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm]
What I have come to recognize, however, is that the "symptoms" list seems to rule out the fluidity of our individual personalities. Moreover, the list ignores the gifts we each have.
Having invested quite a bit of my energy and study in the holistic and alternative modalities, I am now cognizant that traditional medicine is guilty of "black and white" diagnosis. That form of diagnosis really messed with me for years. Let me explain. Hypergraphia
[Hypergraphia: The driving compulsion to write; the overwhelming urge to write. Hypergraphia may compel someone to keep a voluminous journal, to jot off frequent letters to the editor, to write on toilet paper if nothing else is available, and perhaps even to compile a dictionary. Hypergraphia is the opposite of writer's block.
Temporal lobe epilepsy is associated with hypergraphia. This association has been known at least as early as 1974 (Waxman SG, Geschwind N. Hypergraphia in temporal lobe epilepsy. Neurology. 1974;24:629-36). A number of prolific writer may have had temporal lobe epilepsy, including Byron, Dante, Dostoevsky, Molière, Petrarch, Poe, and Tennyson. Hypergraphia has also been called the midnight disease. http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=26483]
is a typical symptom of Manic behavior. Writing is one of my favorite pastimes. For a very long time, I felt like I couldn't write prolifically without being classified as insane. So, I didn't write. [That was devastating to me.] Eventually, I figured out what my "sick" writing looks like and what my my "healthy" writing looks like. Generally, in mania, my hypergraphia represents itself as disjointed thought. This can be confusing to the unexperienced reader. My creative flow can be quite broad and abstract. Some individuals can mistake my flow for "unhealthy" hypergraphia.
Furthermore, over the years, feeling good and strong about myself made me nervous because I thought I would be seen as grandiose [and therefore hospitalizable]. I am "larger than life" most of the time. Anyone who really knows me can tell you that. But I have learned that I can contain the "grandiosity" factor when I am healthy. People have often misdiagnosed me as ill (using the "grandiosity" assessment) because they fail to determine whether I can higher and lower my mood elevation. If I can adjust the level of my mood easily, then I am not ill. But, people often have to ask me to adjustment my mood; because, I don't always realize my emotional level is being perceived as scary/out of control. I have spent many years "shrinking down" emotionally so that other people feel comfortable and safe. Again, that is very damaging to my self-esteem.
For example, the term Hypomania, which would be categorized in a non-Mentally ill person as enthusiasm, high performance, high energy, etc., is a classifying symptom of pathology in someone with Bipolar disorder. So, if I have pressured speech, I can be seen as symptomatic. But have you ever witnessed someone who is excited or passionate? His/her speech is pressured as well.
It is important for me to be able to be myself 100% of the time---even if that means I belong in a circus or I should hang out with the Hollywood flamboyants! [I like the Hollywood idea!!!] "Black and white" symptoms do not provide enough wiggle room for your average person that exhibits the disease Bipolar disorder. Bipolars are special people. We need to feel accepted whether we are feeling high, low, or right inbetween. Good traditional medicine can enable Bipolar people to retain more "say" in their lives. Medications do not cure the illness as I once thought. Medications merely shift the parameters for Bipolar people's emotional range. I will probably always be "larger than life." I will often feel very high highs and I will feel very low lows. It is my current lot.
It took me considerable effort to understand the difference between "Joan that is healthy" and "Joan that is ill." And I had to make that effort because until I did, I could not hold my boundries with others. I used to frequently give control over to my family and friends because I didn't know how to interpret my own emotional and physical states. I thought everyone knew better than me---could sense more accurately than me. I feared a lot. And for the longest time I felt my destiny was to be a crazy person living out of a paste board box while spending my days directing traffic in my head.
I give a tremendous amount of "healing" credit to my therapist, Susan, who worked with me diligently to help me know my authentic self. I, also, give a tremendous amount of "healing" credit to my ex-boyfriend, Chris. He taught me about energetic and metaphysical concepts. He taught me how to be me. How to not be ashamed. I will always love him for that.
It is my desire to know balance. The edge is a very interesting place---whether Manic or Depressed---but I don't like being subject to that wind. I like to know my mind. I like to feel my emotions on a sea of stillness. I prefer to surf my life with great agility and adeptness. My medications are a start to that sense of placidness. But, I believe (I know deep within) that there is a better world waiting for all of us who have been deemed Mentally ill.
Holistic modalities encourage me. I AM One with all that IS, and that is what it means to be whole. My heart opens to all the realities that have yet to be called forth in the earth plane. I am a visionary in everything I do and say. [This overwhelms many!] But, I must, until the day all those realities take fruition, take one step at a time---one foot in front of the other. If I move too fast. If I skip too many beats, I will become ill and falter in my plan. And I don't want to falter in my plan. It is important to my soul that everyone I meet will somehow feel a part of who I AM, and I will feel a part of who they ARE. Though my heart knows this instinctively and without doubt, I want my head to know it as well. It is my deepest wish. It is what I live for in the here and now.
My persona and my pathology are not far from one another. They merge in and out, in and out with every breath I take. Bipolar disorder is not so much an illness as it is a dance. Perfection comes when I know myself, and knowing myself is a lifetime path of wonder and awakening defeat. All of us are unique and special. Bipolars just tend to be on the edges of everything. Bipolars without question are exceptional beings that know the moon and the sun.
Monday, May 12, 2008
“For one crowning moment, we were creatures of the cosmic ocean" ---Edwin Eugene Aldrin Jr.
“I wish you music to help with the burdens of life, and to help you release your happiness to others.”
---Ludwig von Beethoven
“For one crowning moment, we were creatures of the cosmic ocean, an epoch that a thousand years hence may be seen as the signature of our century.”
---Edwin Eugene Aldrin Jr.
"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."
---Sir Winston Churchill
"We need never be ashamed of our tears.”
---Charles Dickens
“There is no point at which you can say, 'Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap.'”
---Carrie Fisher
“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”
---Ernest Hemingway
“Only when the form grows clear to you, will the spirit become so too.”
---Robert Schumann
“Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”
---Vincent Van Gogh
“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.”
---Virginia Woolf
"Melancholia is the beginning and a part of mania . . . . The development of a mania is really a worsening of the disease (melancholia) rather than a change into another disease."
--- ARETAEUS OF CAPPADOCIA (c. 30-90 AD - source of our earliest quotes on bipolar)
"Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively."
--- VOLTAIRE (1694-1778)
"My recovery from manic depression has been an evolution, not a sudden miracle."
--- PATTY DUKE (1946- )
"Again judging from my own experience, the sexual symptoms of the manic state seem to be the most powerful and important of all . . . . The normal inhibitions disappear, and sexual activity, instead of being placed, as in our Western Christian civilization, in opposition to religion, becomes associated with it. This release of the underlying sexual tension . . . seems to me to be the primary and governing factor of all the ecstasies and many other experiences of the manic state."
--- JOHN CUSTANCE (1952)
"Then I overdosed at 28, at which point I began to accept the bipolar diagnosis."
--- CARRIE FISHER (1956- )
"I know that without treatment I would not have never been able to harness my creativity in such a successful way."
--- PATTY DUKE (1946- )
"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated..."
--- KAY REDFIELD JAMISON (1946- )
"We of the craft are all crazy."
--- LORD BYRON (1788-1824)
Today has been one of those days where the melancholia is strong and forceful. My day is slow as usual. The weather is dreary and I have questioned my body over and over, "Why am I filled with a powerful chemistry that shoots out toxins and brings me down so that I need to fight inside to remain peaceful? I do not want to be this way. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever." [But what is, is.]
And, so, I have started searching for something to make myself feel better---to lift me from the internal chemical warfare. I have looked for a productivity to fill the void and distract me from the darkness. And I have found it in a mass of quotations stated by other darkened [and/or brightened] souls like myself.
My heart is such that I want to help others like me to be sucessful despite the haphazard biological "firing squad" within. Such atruism pleases my mind and gives me purpose that sweetens my life.
Bipolar disorder is a diagnosis handed out by psychiatrists within the traditional medicine field. I am grateful that my diagnosis came during this time period rather than an earlier period in history. Mental health has not been an easy pathway for mankind. There has been torture, isolation, and all sorts of ugly methodologies to solve the "insanity"of man. Though, I still consider the psychiatric field to be in the "Dark Ages," I recognize that it definitely has been a sort of "remedy" for me. Certainly the psychiatric field offers no cure for mental illness. Diagnoses merely code and classify sicknesses/disorders so that the medical community can treat the varying degrees of the disease with what they know.
I have been struggling with severe emotional ups and downs since my junior high days. [I had some very down thoughts in childhood as well.] Prior to the age of 21, I experienced more depressions than I experienced hypomanias or manias. I was very ambitious and very driven as a young woman, so all of us at the time could have just assumed my thoughts were part of my type-A personality. [And they were, just not exclusively.] I think most people that were around me back at that stage of my life thought my hypomanias were my norm. Looking back, the bursts of high were probably a mixture of early onset of the disease combined with a "brilliant" mind. [And from my perspective, both go hand in hand.]
"We all have our ups and downs, our 'off' days and our 'on' days, but if you're suffering from Bipolar disorder, these peaks and valleys are more severe. The extreme highs and lows of Bipolar disorder can disrupt daily activities and damage relationships. And although it’s treatable, many people don’t/can't recognize the warning signs and get the help they need. Since Bipolar disorder tends to worsen without treatment, it’s important to learn what the symptoms look like. Recognizing the problem is the first step to getting it under control.
Symptoms:
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)
Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Sleeping too much or too little
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide"
[http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm]
The thing you learn after you have experienced the medical community and a chronic disease enough times, is that the medical community only knows a touch about the illnesses it treats. In the psychiatric field, there are doctors, nurses and therapists that can only see the objective side of the diseases. They depend on their textbooks and perhaps the various clinical experiences they have had, but they don't know the subjective, individualized aspects of the illnesses. They don't know what their patients feel and know. Many don't recognize how different the disease is for each person diagnosed.
I am intelligent and thoughtful. I have been dedicated to understanding myself since 1998. At that point, I determined that the medical community I had totally trusted (like God) was actually quite mediocre at assessing and treating Bipolar disorder. I, also, discovered what my disease was like. I began to differentiate between my persona and my pathology. That path took over six years. I had many hospitalizations during my learning curve. It was rough!
But let me say, I am thankful for the drugs the pharmaceutical companies are currently creating and distributing. Today's products far surpass the standards of many of the older medications that used to be available to the mentally ill. For instance, when I think of Haldol, the first anti-psychotic I had administered to me both in 1992 and 1997, I am so elated to be on my present anti-psychotic medication, Seroquel.
As long as my Seroquel dosage is appropriate, I hardly realize I am on an anti-psychotic. For me, Haldol was quite the opposite. I could definitely tell that it was the same type of med that was used to tranquilize elephants. The drug made me feel horrible. I experienced great lethargy, and sometimes even intense, knife-like stabbing pain. I, also, experienced blurry, blinded vision. It controlled my outbursts but it disabled me from being able to function.
Furthermore, some old drugs have, also, not been successfully replaced with new ones. Lithium is often the only med available for the stabilization of mood disorders like Bipolar disorder. This is the case for me. No other mood stabilizer is strong enough to hold me. Lithium has terrible side effects. One key side effect is weight gain. I have been struggling with my weight for 16 years. Sometimes I even out for awhile and my metabolism begins to do its job and I lose weight. Then, inevitably, that brings on some sort of drug change. And as my drugs are changed, my weight returns. I get frustrated, but in the end, I know the Lithium keeps me sane most of the time and that is ultimately what I want.
In addition, I dislike the fact that most drugs are made for the average ill person (whoever that is) rather than being made for one particular person. [[Money! Always money! I know. I want my cake and eat it too!]]
Being a student of my body has enabled me to understand how each drug works for me, or is suppose to work. One year I connected with the fact that I just needed a slight incremental increase in my dosage to manage my disease. I was told that dosage wouldn't make a difference. As a result, I had to seriously question the judgment of the physician I was seeing because I knew what was happening with my body. And I knew what the medicine was doing in my body. The physician, apparently, did not. And he wasn't concerned with what I was saying.
I had to ask myself, "How many of this man's patients really communicate their needs effectively ?" My belief is/was that not many patients of the man had the capability to even recognize what they needed, therefore they could hardly articulate what type of dosage or medication they needed. I felt the man was adhering to some sort of guideline instead of listening to what I said---what I KNEW. And across the board, I generally, feel this way about my experience with psychiatrists. Of course, there is always an exception to the rule!
I will say that my mind can be categorized as "brilliant" at times. It is fragile, creative, deep, and highly disciplined. I have above average intelligence, but it is more than mere intelligence that I am talking about. It is a spark of refinement. It is a fire that runs quickly to the stars and back. My ex-boyfriend used to say I could reach the gods. I think he was right. However, that form of "brilliance" has had such a terrible cost at times. I relay the suffering below.
When I am ill with a fever pitched high or low, my world is upside down and inside out. I can't manage myself. [People in my life have often thought there was choice in this state. There is not choice once the damage has occurred or has been triggered.] At the point of trigger, I am decadently minded, or devastatingly directed. My highs can be brought into submission through pharmacology. It usually takes two weeks of hospitalization and a couple months of tight follow-up where I am unable to work. My lows are such that I can only wade through the heavy emotions that aim to strangle my very breath from me. I cannot take anti-depressants. Anti-depressants send me right through the glass ceiling.
But, not every high takes me to a point of de-stabilization. Nor does every low. Sometimes, I just brush the ceiling with my fingertips and I am reminded which world I live in. Many times I will experience lows like I did today. I feel the negative chemicals pouring into my body like the "ink" of a squid. And for moments, hours, days, weeks, or months I am "paralyzed."
I especially hate the highs. I will do anything to avoid them. Kay Redfield Jamison, professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins and Bipolar disorder survivor, infers that her disease, untreated, would be laced with terror. I understand this statement completely. As you ascend through to the first set of heavens brought on by mania, you see candy colored visions. You hear harps made of gold. You know no limitations, you know all that is. Your God orientation is extreme and exaggerated.
Yet, as you plummet into your "earth re-entry patterns (which are only moments away)," you cry at the searing "atmosphere" you have to pierce through. As you "land" in the material world, you become exhausted and terror stricken. Your eyes scarcely recognize the settings around you. You are very disoriented. Your heart races at a maddening pace. Every aspect of your body is in agony. And, the thought of leaping toward the "manic" heavens, again, is craziness unleashed.
But, your body is ready for another reckless jump! In fact, your body cannot stop leaping without some sort of help. It is on auto-pilot and it resembles the kamikaze warriors of the second world war. Every turbulent exposure to the excessively shiny, shrieking world of "angels and demons" is ungodly and painful.
Yes, when life evens out (if it evens out), you can admire the glimpses of "the beyond" you were given; but, ultimately, "the beyond" is an excruciating journey not made for flesh and blood so delicate. You suffer for the knowledge of heaven while on earth! You suffer as your body-mind splits and your mind assumes its celestial stance. Bipolar disorder severs the mind from its point of origin. The mind becomes lost in a cosmic sea. It waivers at where it should go. The body becomes like a chicken with its head cut off. It flops back and forth hunting for a place to reside.
I have gained a lot of wisdom from this path; but, if I had to choose another destination so that I could avoid the awful hurt, I would. I have escaped death at least three times. The knowledge that I have gleaned has scarcely been worth the various prices I have had to pay.
But, we don't get the choice of removing our history. We have lived it and it is gone. We only get the choice of now and, possibly, the choice of tomorrow. And that is what I try to make the most of.
My disease is complex. My hormones are major players in the manifestation of my disease's episodes. Every time I have been hospitalized I have been on my cycle. Each month brings me something new. I have been learning how to reconcile my body and my internal clock. I really like the books, Wild Genie and Her Blood is Gold. The books tap into the powers of the divine feminine. Cultures of the past used to worship the female before patriarchal gods became popular. I have gained a new sense of self as I have studied the belief systems of the antiquated societies, and I have learned to love and respect the body I was born with.
In addition, I have been learning about the chakra system. The chakras have really helped me to use all parts of myself. The wholeness of my body is something I knew little to nothing about before four years ago. Now, wholeness rolls off the tip of my tongue without a thought. I instinctively knew that body and mind were one. As insurance companies and doctors clamored to separate them, I held them together. My body was all over the place during my episodes. It was obvious to me that my mind affected my body and my body affected my mind. [The health insurance I have now accepts that my disease is a physical disease. I am not manufacturing my illness. This was a huge recognition. But not every insurance owns this fact.]
I have been hospital free for almost four years. I attribute my health to a lot of factors. The "chakra system" education has helped me tremendously. I have, also, studied a lot of "peace" work that the Eastern philosophies teach. I have gotten a decent mix of medications. I diligently aspire to have good sleep hygiene [this is perhaps my hardest health battle]. I am learning to love myself. I am connecting with my oneness with all that is, I am able to see the benefit of looking for and believing the positive in all I do and say. The Law of Attraction supports my healthy thought processes. Heart energizing is paramount to my feeling good. And daily living keeps me on a path that is good and solid. I am able to experience the now because I can finally recognize the now is all we will ever have. I seek to become more aware and more enlightened. I seek to know the Source---Love.
It has been far from easy. I have put tons of energy and effort into my life and my living. My passion is to give that which I have been given. And I find that the more I give the more I get! As long as I seek the Source in everything I do.
Mental health is a field that needs more recognition. One of my goals is to make people more Mental health conscious while I simultaneously maintain a good health standing with the world around me. This goal is difficult to balance. There is still so much negativity and stigma regarding Mental illness. Personally, it makes me angry. There is no difference between the body-mind. If there is a problem, it is that the medical field lacks methodologies for treating diseases that manifest as Mental illnesses. That is a reflection on the medical community, not on the Mentally ill! The Mentally ill are just a group of people waiting for their "ship to come in." [And how patiently they have waited...decade after decade, century after century, millenia after millenia.]
The mind is intricately linked to the body. They are one. The brain does not exist outside the body. It is located in the head and it connects to every part of the physical body.
The Mental illness is stigmatized because people see diseases affecting the mind as terribly disabling. It tweaks the nerve of fear in every person's archetypal shadow. The "survival of the fittest" mentality comes into full force when you hear people speaking about Mental illness with distaste and alarm. When you lack control over your mind, you become WEAK, vulnerable. There couldn't be much that is worse. Not to mention that society looks down on weakness.
I have been overcome with grim amounts of dishonor since I turned 21. First,I felt the dishonor internally. I was ashamed to be "insane." Then I felt the dishonor externally. I lost respect over and over from the people in my life because I experienced episode after episode of Mania or Depression.
But, now, after great spiritual searching as well as just plain living 37 years, I understand the choice I made before time existed. [And, yes, it has been a very long road!]
I made the choice to live as the girl and then the woman that I am now. God and I spoke about the desires I would plant and keep in my heart. God and I spoke about all the paths I would select along the way to "holy perfection." He explained the world was a beautiful place to be, and hence I accepted to go there. [Afterall, if God thought it was beautiful, what must it BE like???] And, so, in knowing my destiny to Be all that I could Be, I, also, chose to have Bipolar disorder. Believe it or not, I chose to suffer and to grow. I chose to be the me I AM.
And, here I AM.
With that knowing, I learn the love that IS and will always Be in my body and in my mind. And I gain strength to get beyond "going beyond." As I live the life I chose this go around, I understand I CAN DO this. I can Be all that I can Be. Shutting out the anxiety of my earthly brothers and sisters who have yet to remember their destiny, I step ahead, breathing one breath at a time. Believing in the Oneness that I already AM. Experiencing the healing from the sense of separateness. Feeling the wholeness that I MUST Be, because I already am WHOLE. And I finally get it.
If I believe at some stage I will receive, Bipolar disorder becomes my path to perfection. So, I practice receiving. And I practice believing. For I know that God's love is all around me and deep within me. It is God's perfection I experience when I practice to know the end of separation and disease.
Therefore, I overcome my Bipolar disorder through God's all-ecompassing love.I do this one thought at a time!
---Ludwig von Beethoven
“For one crowning moment, we were creatures of the cosmic ocean, an epoch that a thousand years hence may be seen as the signature of our century.”
---Edwin Eugene Aldrin Jr.
"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."
---Sir Winston Churchill
"We need never be ashamed of our tears.”
---Charles Dickens
“There is no point at which you can say, 'Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap.'”
---Carrie Fisher
“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”
---Ernest Hemingway
“Only when the form grows clear to you, will the spirit become so too.”
---Robert Schumann
“Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”
---Vincent Van Gogh
“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.”
---Virginia Woolf
"Melancholia is the beginning and a part of mania . . . . The development of a mania is really a worsening of the disease (melancholia) rather than a change into another disease."
--- ARETAEUS OF CAPPADOCIA (c. 30-90 AD - source of our earliest quotes on bipolar)
"Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively."
--- VOLTAIRE (1694-1778)
"My recovery from manic depression has been an evolution, not a sudden miracle."
--- PATTY DUKE (1946- )
"Again judging from my own experience, the sexual symptoms of the manic state seem to be the most powerful and important of all . . . . The normal inhibitions disappear, and sexual activity, instead of being placed, as in our Western Christian civilization, in opposition to religion, becomes associated with it. This release of the underlying sexual tension . . . seems to me to be the primary and governing factor of all the ecstasies and many other experiences of the manic state."
--- JOHN CUSTANCE (1952)
"Then I overdosed at 28, at which point I began to accept the bipolar diagnosis."
--- CARRIE FISHER (1956- )
"I know that without treatment I would not have never been able to harness my creativity in such a successful way."
--- PATTY DUKE (1946- )
"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated..."
--- KAY REDFIELD JAMISON (1946- )
"We of the craft are all crazy."
--- LORD BYRON (1788-1824)
Today has been one of those days where the melancholia is strong and forceful. My day is slow as usual. The weather is dreary and I have questioned my body over and over, "Why am I filled with a powerful chemistry that shoots out toxins and brings me down so that I need to fight inside to remain peaceful? I do not want to be this way. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever." [But what is, is.]
And, so, I have started searching for something to make myself feel better---to lift me from the internal chemical warfare. I have looked for a productivity to fill the void and distract me from the darkness. And I have found it in a mass of quotations stated by other darkened [and/or brightened] souls like myself.
My heart is such that I want to help others like me to be sucessful despite the haphazard biological "firing squad" within. Such atruism pleases my mind and gives me purpose that sweetens my life.
Bipolar disorder is a diagnosis handed out by psychiatrists within the traditional medicine field. I am grateful that my diagnosis came during this time period rather than an earlier period in history. Mental health has not been an easy pathway for mankind. There has been torture, isolation, and all sorts of ugly methodologies to solve the "insanity"of man. Though, I still consider the psychiatric field to be in the "Dark Ages," I recognize that it definitely has been a sort of "remedy" for me. Certainly the psychiatric field offers no cure for mental illness. Diagnoses merely code and classify sicknesses/disorders so that the medical community can treat the varying degrees of the disease with what they know.
I have been struggling with severe emotional ups and downs since my junior high days. [I had some very down thoughts in childhood as well.] Prior to the age of 21, I experienced more depressions than I experienced hypomanias or manias. I was very ambitious and very driven as a young woman, so all of us at the time could have just assumed my thoughts were part of my type-A personality. [And they were, just not exclusively.] I think most people that were around me back at that stage of my life thought my hypomanias were my norm. Looking back, the bursts of high were probably a mixture of early onset of the disease combined with a "brilliant" mind. [And from my perspective, both go hand in hand.]
"We all have our ups and downs, our 'off' days and our 'on' days, but if you're suffering from Bipolar disorder, these peaks and valleys are more severe. The extreme highs and lows of Bipolar disorder can disrupt daily activities and damage relationships. And although it’s treatable, many people don’t/can't recognize the warning signs and get the help they need. Since Bipolar disorder tends to worsen without treatment, it’s important to learn what the symptoms look like. Recognizing the problem is the first step to getting it under control.
Symptoms:
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)
Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Sleeping too much or too little
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide"
[http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm]
The thing you learn after you have experienced the medical community and a chronic disease enough times, is that the medical community only knows a touch about the illnesses it treats. In the psychiatric field, there are doctors, nurses and therapists that can only see the objective side of the diseases. They depend on their textbooks and perhaps the various clinical experiences they have had, but they don't know the subjective, individualized aspects of the illnesses. They don't know what their patients feel and know. Many don't recognize how different the disease is for each person diagnosed.
I am intelligent and thoughtful. I have been dedicated to understanding myself since 1998. At that point, I determined that the medical community I had totally trusted (like God) was actually quite mediocre at assessing and treating Bipolar disorder. I, also, discovered what my disease was like. I began to differentiate between my persona and my pathology. That path took over six years. I had many hospitalizations during my learning curve. It was rough!
But let me say, I am thankful for the drugs the pharmaceutical companies are currently creating and distributing. Today's products far surpass the standards of many of the older medications that used to be available to the mentally ill. For instance, when I think of Haldol, the first anti-psychotic I had administered to me both in 1992 and 1997, I am so elated to be on my present anti-psychotic medication, Seroquel.
As long as my Seroquel dosage is appropriate, I hardly realize I am on an anti-psychotic. For me, Haldol was quite the opposite. I could definitely tell that it was the same type of med that was used to tranquilize elephants. The drug made me feel horrible. I experienced great lethargy, and sometimes even intense, knife-like stabbing pain. I, also, experienced blurry, blinded vision. It controlled my outbursts but it disabled me from being able to function.
Furthermore, some old drugs have, also, not been successfully replaced with new ones. Lithium is often the only med available for the stabilization of mood disorders like Bipolar disorder. This is the case for me. No other mood stabilizer is strong enough to hold me. Lithium has terrible side effects. One key side effect is weight gain. I have been struggling with my weight for 16 years. Sometimes I even out for awhile and my metabolism begins to do its job and I lose weight. Then, inevitably, that brings on some sort of drug change. And as my drugs are changed, my weight returns. I get frustrated, but in the end, I know the Lithium keeps me sane most of the time and that is ultimately what I want.
In addition, I dislike the fact that most drugs are made for the average ill person (whoever that is) rather than being made for one particular person. [[Money! Always money! I know. I want my cake and eat it too!]]
Being a student of my body has enabled me to understand how each drug works for me, or is suppose to work. One year I connected with the fact that I just needed a slight incremental increase in my dosage to manage my disease. I was told that dosage wouldn't make a difference. As a result, I had to seriously question the judgment of the physician I was seeing because I knew what was happening with my body. And I knew what the medicine was doing in my body. The physician, apparently, did not. And he wasn't concerned with what I was saying.
I had to ask myself, "How many of this man's patients really communicate their needs effectively ?" My belief is/was that not many patients of the man had the capability to even recognize what they needed, therefore they could hardly articulate what type of dosage or medication they needed. I felt the man was adhering to some sort of guideline instead of listening to what I said---what I KNEW. And across the board, I generally, feel this way about my experience with psychiatrists. Of course, there is always an exception to the rule!
I will say that my mind can be categorized as "brilliant" at times. It is fragile, creative, deep, and highly disciplined. I have above average intelligence, but it is more than mere intelligence that I am talking about. It is a spark of refinement. It is a fire that runs quickly to the stars and back. My ex-boyfriend used to say I could reach the gods. I think he was right. However, that form of "brilliance" has had such a terrible cost at times. I relay the suffering below.
When I am ill with a fever pitched high or low, my world is upside down and inside out. I can't manage myself. [People in my life have often thought there was choice in this state. There is not choice once the damage has occurred or has been triggered.] At the point of trigger, I am decadently minded, or devastatingly directed. My highs can be brought into submission through pharmacology. It usually takes two weeks of hospitalization and a couple months of tight follow-up where I am unable to work. My lows are such that I can only wade through the heavy emotions that aim to strangle my very breath from me. I cannot take anti-depressants. Anti-depressants send me right through the glass ceiling.
But, not every high takes me to a point of de-stabilization. Nor does every low. Sometimes, I just brush the ceiling with my fingertips and I am reminded which world I live in. Many times I will experience lows like I did today. I feel the negative chemicals pouring into my body like the "ink" of a squid. And for moments, hours, days, weeks, or months I am "paralyzed."
I especially hate the highs. I will do anything to avoid them. Kay Redfield Jamison, professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins and Bipolar disorder survivor, infers that her disease, untreated, would be laced with terror. I understand this statement completely. As you ascend through to the first set of heavens brought on by mania, you see candy colored visions. You hear harps made of gold. You know no limitations, you know all that is. Your God orientation is extreme and exaggerated.
Yet, as you plummet into your "earth re-entry patterns (which are only moments away)," you cry at the searing "atmosphere" you have to pierce through. As you "land" in the material world, you become exhausted and terror stricken. Your eyes scarcely recognize the settings around you. You are very disoriented. Your heart races at a maddening pace. Every aspect of your body is in agony. And, the thought of leaping toward the "manic" heavens, again, is craziness unleashed.
But, your body is ready for another reckless jump! In fact, your body cannot stop leaping without some sort of help. It is on auto-pilot and it resembles the kamikaze warriors of the second world war. Every turbulent exposure to the excessively shiny, shrieking world of "angels and demons" is ungodly and painful.
Yes, when life evens out (if it evens out), you can admire the glimpses of "the beyond" you were given; but, ultimately, "the beyond" is an excruciating journey not made for flesh and blood so delicate. You suffer for the knowledge of heaven while on earth! You suffer as your body-mind splits and your mind assumes its celestial stance. Bipolar disorder severs the mind from its point of origin. The mind becomes lost in a cosmic sea. It waivers at where it should go. The body becomes like a chicken with its head cut off. It flops back and forth hunting for a place to reside.
I have gained a lot of wisdom from this path; but, if I had to choose another destination so that I could avoid the awful hurt, I would. I have escaped death at least three times. The knowledge that I have gleaned has scarcely been worth the various prices I have had to pay.
But, we don't get the choice of removing our history. We have lived it and it is gone. We only get the choice of now and, possibly, the choice of tomorrow. And that is what I try to make the most of.
My disease is complex. My hormones are major players in the manifestation of my disease's episodes. Every time I have been hospitalized I have been on my cycle. Each month brings me something new. I have been learning how to reconcile my body and my internal clock. I really like the books, Wild Genie and Her Blood is Gold. The books tap into the powers of the divine feminine. Cultures of the past used to worship the female before patriarchal gods became popular. I have gained a new sense of self as I have studied the belief systems of the antiquated societies, and I have learned to love and respect the body I was born with.
In addition, I have been learning about the chakra system. The chakras have really helped me to use all parts of myself. The wholeness of my body is something I knew little to nothing about before four years ago. Now, wholeness rolls off the tip of my tongue without a thought. I instinctively knew that body and mind were one. As insurance companies and doctors clamored to separate them, I held them together. My body was all over the place during my episodes. It was obvious to me that my mind affected my body and my body affected my mind. [The health insurance I have now accepts that my disease is a physical disease. I am not manufacturing my illness. This was a huge recognition. But not every insurance owns this fact.]
I have been hospital free for almost four years. I attribute my health to a lot of factors. The "chakra system" education has helped me tremendously. I have, also, studied a lot of "peace" work that the Eastern philosophies teach. I have gotten a decent mix of medications. I diligently aspire to have good sleep hygiene [this is perhaps my hardest health battle]. I am learning to love myself. I am connecting with my oneness with all that is, I am able to see the benefit of looking for and believing the positive in all I do and say. The Law of Attraction supports my healthy thought processes. Heart energizing is paramount to my feeling good. And daily living keeps me on a path that is good and solid. I am able to experience the now because I can finally recognize the now is all we will ever have. I seek to become more aware and more enlightened. I seek to know the Source---Love.
It has been far from easy. I have put tons of energy and effort into my life and my living. My passion is to give that which I have been given. And I find that the more I give the more I get! As long as I seek the Source in everything I do.
Mental health is a field that needs more recognition. One of my goals is to make people more Mental health conscious while I simultaneously maintain a good health standing with the world around me. This goal is difficult to balance. There is still so much negativity and stigma regarding Mental illness. Personally, it makes me angry. There is no difference between the body-mind. If there is a problem, it is that the medical field lacks methodologies for treating diseases that manifest as Mental illnesses. That is a reflection on the medical community, not on the Mentally ill! The Mentally ill are just a group of people waiting for their "ship to come in." [And how patiently they have waited...decade after decade, century after century, millenia after millenia.]
The mind is intricately linked to the body. They are one. The brain does not exist outside the body. It is located in the head and it connects to every part of the physical body.
The Mental illness is stigmatized because people see diseases affecting the mind as terribly disabling. It tweaks the nerve of fear in every person's archetypal shadow. The "survival of the fittest" mentality comes into full force when you hear people speaking about Mental illness with distaste and alarm. When you lack control over your mind, you become WEAK, vulnerable. There couldn't be much that is worse. Not to mention that society looks down on weakness.
I have been overcome with grim amounts of dishonor since I turned 21. First,I felt the dishonor internally. I was ashamed to be "insane." Then I felt the dishonor externally. I lost respect over and over from the people in my life because I experienced episode after episode of Mania or Depression.
But, now, after great spiritual searching as well as just plain living 37 years, I understand the choice I made before time existed. [And, yes, it has been a very long road!]
I made the choice to live as the girl and then the woman that I am now. God and I spoke about the desires I would plant and keep in my heart. God and I spoke about all the paths I would select along the way to "holy perfection." He explained the world was a beautiful place to be, and hence I accepted to go there. [Afterall, if God thought it was beautiful, what must it BE like???] And, so, in knowing my destiny to Be all that I could Be, I, also, chose to have Bipolar disorder. Believe it or not, I chose to suffer and to grow. I chose to be the me I AM.
And, here I AM.
With that knowing, I learn the love that IS and will always Be in my body and in my mind. And I gain strength to get beyond "going beyond." As I live the life I chose this go around, I understand I CAN DO this. I can Be all that I can Be. Shutting out the anxiety of my earthly brothers and sisters who have yet to remember their destiny, I step ahead, breathing one breath at a time. Believing in the Oneness that I already AM. Experiencing the healing from the sense of separateness. Feeling the wholeness that I MUST Be, because I already am WHOLE. And I finally get it.
If I believe at some stage I will receive, Bipolar disorder becomes my path to perfection. So, I practice receiving. And I practice believing. For I know that God's love is all around me and deep within me. It is God's perfection I experience when I practice to know the end of separation and disease.
Therefore, I overcome my Bipolar disorder through God's all-ecompassing love.I do this one thought at a time!
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