"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
---Peter Marshall
"Because a thing seems difficult for you, do not think it impossible for anyone to accomplish."
---Marcus Aurelius
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
---Walt West
"There are two ways of meeting difficulties: You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them."
---Phyllis Bottome
"Too many overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are."
---Malcolm S. Forbes
Bipolar Disorder is a disease with many facets. People scarcely realize how difficult it is to manage. I listen to show after show on TV that present the illness as single-sided. In other words, I hear how Bipolar patients go off of their medications and cause themselves a whole lot of trouble. And, surely, that does occur in many patient's lives. But, the disease is more complicated than that.
For years, my biggest struggle has been getting to sleep. People take sleeping for granted. For me, it is quite difficult---quite stressful. My brain can be completely zonked and ready for bed, yet when my head hits that pillow it is like a light bulb clicks on inside my mind and my thoughts speed up. They race and race. This problem is precarious. My disease can reach horrific levels if my circadian rhythms remain off track. Two to three days without sleep can cause hospitalization.
Each evening is unique. I have to take different "cocktails" [medications] as my brother Chris would say. [And, I am all about taking the fewest medications possible so that particular reality is very hard for me.] I often feel like a failure because I cannot sleep without a tremendous dose of varied prescriptions. And then, alas, I forgive myself and try again the next night.
I had a doctor for a short time that was quite knowledgable about pharmeceuticals. He had a pharmacy degree as well as a psychiatry degree. But his personal problems were "through the roof" and, eventually, I had to find a new doctor, one that was more stable. [I know, go figure. I went through three physicians in a matter of a year and a half because the three doctors suffered all sorts of personal and business issues which were affecting my health care! There were parents dying, cardiac problems, availability issues, poor medical practices (i.e., yelling at patients as a form of communication and control), divorce proceedings, financial issues, etc.] But while I went to him, he got my medication situated so that everything with a drowsy factor would be taken at night. That certainly made a difference in how effective the medications were for me overall.
Currently, the actual sleep med, though, seems inadequate. I think sleep meds tend to wear out quickly efficacy-wise. They are meant for short term use. However, all the other drugs seem to be working. But, if the sleep med doesn't work, I have to further augment the regimine with meds that are used to calm my system down. Augmentation is frustrating and far from the best practice. [And waking up is a nightmare!!!]
For a few years I have been learning how to meditate. But meditation doesn't seem to work with me at bedtime. There is too much pressure. During the week I have to fall asleep by a certain time. If I do not, I can't wake up the next morning and I am late for work. My friend that practices BodyTalk gave me a connective hold to use to release me from the pressure and the panic; but the hold failed to work after the second day. Adrenaline pumps into my body at a powerful rate. It is difficult to override.
I try to start a bedtime routine approximately two hours before I go to sleep. Life sometimes cooperates, and then again, sometimes it does not. Actually, I am fairly disciplined and I believe my disease demands that of its victims if they are to overcome the dilemmas they face.
But my disease's dilemmas do not stop with the sleep issues. I must, also, monitor what I eat and drink. First of all, let me say that I have ceased all alcohol consumption. The last drink I had was seven years ago. Alcohol causes the balance with my medications to get off center. Lithium levels are very tempramental. It is easy to be lithium toxic. It is, also, easy to be undermedicated with lithium. Once a healthy and consistent balance is reached, lithium levels are performed twice a year. I have to take a very high level to remain even keeled. This level causes many side effects. My hands tremor, I constantly fight weight gain, and my skin breaks out easily.
Caffeine intake must be minimal. I can tolerate a certain amount of chocolate, but if I go over that amount my hands tremor more intensely, and my brain is accelerated past the comfortable point. Regular caffeine intake can spur on a hypomanic/manic episode. Drinks like iced tea or coffee can keep me up for days.
I must, also, watch my salt and water intake. Too much or too little of either can alter my lithium levels for the worse.
I have a huge list of non-prescription and prescription drugs that I cannot take because of problematic interactions. I really have to avoid almost every pain medication on the market, and some antibiotics are off limits because I have developed allergies toward them.
In addition, lithium damaged my thyroid. I am now considered hypothyroid and I take synthroid to keep my thyroid where it should be. That is a fine balancing act in and of itself. For example, I am not allowed to change the manufacturer of the prescription I take because that difference can significantly affect the organ's functioning.
My other medication, Seroquel, creates serious dietary issues. I have to watch my glucose levels because it can shift me into diabetes. So far I haven't had that problem. And I keep hoping for good health where that is concerned. This drug,also, causes weight gain.
The last major dilemma I deal with involves my hormones. I don't know whether other Bipolars suffer from intense hormonal shifts, but I do and have since I hit puberty [I was 10 when that occurred]. This aspect of my disease is completely disarming. I can't control it. I can't even manage it. My hormones are different from week to week. Some months nail me hard. Some months are simple to deal with. And like, depressions, I just have to flow with whatever comes my way. I have been cycling during every hospitalization I have ever experienced. It is frightening. But, it appears to be my current lot. I don't know whether menopause will bring me relief or whether it will "up the anty." Obviously, I hope it will bring me relief. And I guess I should start preventive affirmations as I write this blog.
Bipolar Disorder is not a single-sided disease. It is filled with complicated scenarios that can be quite difficult to manage. But, for me, there is no other Way. I like being able to work my mind effectively. If my disease is untamed, I cannot do that. Many find comfort in the highs. I find terror.
I am a highly intelligent human being. I am sensitive. I am determined. Disease of any kind is difficult to navigate. But every problem we are presented with has some sort of solution---some sort of reason for being. I read and read. I develop mechanisms that actively work against my illness and work for me. I try traditional and holistic means to resolve the pains I deal with. If you know someone with any disease, please reach out to them in any way you can. Ask what the person suffers from. Ask what kind of help the person needs. And then listen. Really listen.
I have spent almost two decades struggling against the stigmas and the belief systems that disapprove of my disorder. It has been agonizing at times. I am thankful for my friends or family that have supported me through the good and bad times. I want people to understand what I experience because it not only assists me, it assists many other people who are similar to me. Bipolar Disorder is different for every person that suffers from it. Some people overcome its debilitating aspects through medication, alternative therapies and psychotherapy. Some people hide amidst the "insanity." The more familiar people become with the disorder, the more easy it is for people to get help. Please pass this message on. People need to know there is a Way.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
"Good drama must be drastic." ---Unknown
"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and a drama to an otherwise dull day."
---Bill Watterson
"The ideals which have lighted me on my way and time after time given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Truth, Goodness, and Beauty. . . . The ordinary objects of human endeavour -- property, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible."
---Albert Einstein
"There are no whole truths: all truths are half-truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil."
---Alfred North Whitehead
"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself."
---Anais Nin
"We know the truth, not only by the reason, but by the heart."
---Blaise Pascal
"Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth. This equation has its roots in pop psychology. The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis."
---Brad Holland
"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
---Alan Cohen
"It must be admitted that there is a degree of instability which is inconsistent with civilization. But, on the whole, the great ages have been unstable ones."
---Alfred North Whitehead
"What a man believes upon grossly insufficient evidence is an index into his desires -- desires of which he himself is often unconscious. If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way."
---Bertrand Russell
"Man seeks to escape himself in myth, and does so by any means at his disposal. Drugs, alcohol, or lies. Unable to withdraw into himself, he disguises himself. Lies and inaccuracy give him a few moments of comfort."
---Jean Cocteau
"As an organizer I start from where the world is, as it is, not as I would like it to be."
---Saul Alinsky
"If you must tell me your opinions, tell me what you believe in. I have plenty of douts of my own."
---Johann von Goethe
"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."
---Benjamin Disraeli
"Three passions have governed my life: The longings for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart of children in famine, of victims tortured and of old people left helpless. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living. "
---Bertrand Russell
Somewhere along my Way I learned melodrama. And with melodrama I soon failed to recognize my true emotions. For many years I felt ignored and/or abandoned by my family. And as a result, I often played the martyr or the human rights activist. I suppose that is what birth orders and individual life experiences create in people's lives...a certain uniqueness, a flavor, a personality, a path to tread.
There was a halloween when I was in grade school that sent me emotionally over the top. I remember it distinctly. My dad was frequently gone on business. His visits home were very special to me. My brother, Doug, and I got into a tiff while my parents went out to do errands. Doug chased me throughout the house with a big stick. He ran outside, and I locked him out. Not to be deterred, he knocked the screen in on the front door. When Dad and Mom got home, we both got in big trouble. We were grounded for over a week.
The deal, in my opinion , was highly unbalanced. Doug was in 7th grade. He no longer Trick or Treated, or went to Fun Night. I did both. And I was going to miss out on both due to the grounding.
Plus, Doug chased me with the stick. He tore the screen. I just locked myself inside the house to keep from being knocked upside the head. And he would have done just that: BAMM!!!
When I got the "unjust" sentence, I blew into a severe rage. The day is still quite memorable (at least the major parts are). I threw things. I screamed. I did whatever I could to force my meager power onto my parents and my brother. I am sure my dad was ready to go back to work that week! Nevertheless he held out and added to my sentence.
I think that particular rage was a precursor to my manic episodes. It was an emotional tirade that just got intensely out of control. It got the best of me. I was immersed in a vortex of emotion that mocked the best tornadoes. I never did forgive my parents for the unequal punishment I received during that holiday. [I guess I should, huh???]
I learned at an early age that I lacked physical strength compared to my three older brothers. Actually, there was a brief period where Doug's strength and my strength were fairly similar. But, in the long run I came up short all the way around. There were many instances where my brothers would overpower me physically and mentally. And those many defeating lessons created my ungodly temper tantrums to come. I couldn't win. So, I made a powerful nuisance of myself so the brother(s) in question would be just as miserable as me. The method had its merits or I would have ceased using it. Yet, somewhere along my Way I lost control when my emotions would become intense. It was a damning repercussion.
And, eventually, I lost a huge part of myself. Everything in my world became somewhat confusing. I desisted in learning how to modify my thoughts so that I could retain a semblance of order in my life. Furthermore, I often repressed my thoughts and emotions when I dealt with outsiders (a.k.a., non-family members), so there was constant physical suffering under the surface that I had no idea was brewing and causing damage.
By my early twenties, my methods for emotional and stress management began to lose their vitality. My body gave way to horrible depressions. I would often take long naps to conserve my energy---to get me through the day. I developed many short term illnesses that broke my overall physical system down piece by piece.
And when I turned 21, I began participating in activities that were highly self-destructive. I was drinking in excess. My sexuality was flagrant---hyper. I hated myself. I couldn't make the world stop long enough for me to breathe. I felt terror a lot. My thoughts got darker and darker.
In the summer of my junior year of college, I became manic for the first time. I did have some assistance. It wasn't all emotional mumbo jumbo. I was put on Prozac a couple months prior to my manic break. My new doctor assumed I was clinically depressed so he misdiagnosed me as such. He couldn't see the highs in my behavior or demeanor. [I frequently wonder whether my illness would have gotten so bad if I hadn't been prescribed an anti-depressant in the first place.] {{I still cannot take anti-depressants at all. I will fly through the "glass ceiling" if I do. If I become depressed, I just have to survive the blackened mind-state naturally and with shear determination.}}
Skipping ahead, I have gotten quite adept at my disease, Bipolar Disorder. I have been in 16 years of psychotherapy as well as 16 years of psychiatric medicine. Over the last six years, I have gained an understanding about my thoughts and emotions. My thoughts create my emotions.
I watched soap operas for 25 years. I lived for dramatic TV series. I loved movies that made me weep or soar. Now I scarcely watch TV and I rarely go to the movies. I realized a few years ago that the need for drama considerably influenced my decision-making (especially in my relationships). I enjoyed the rush of emotions that drama produced. And then...I discovered a new path.
The first biggie is that I must stay in the now. If something is not happening at this moment, then I must breathe and deal with only the moment. This is huge for me! I can't tell you how this method of thinking helps me overcome situations. It is a practice, for sure, but each time I experience a success, I grow emotionally.
The other big change has come about fairly recently. I am learning to adjust my thoughts so that I sense my ability to co-create my life. I am creating positive affirmations which are designed to attract the desires of my heart. I am dispelling my negative belief systems so that I can "see" a whole and powerful future.
I, actually, feel the difference. It is great. When something unexpected happens, the first thing I do is stop. I visualize a path of openness---a path of heart-centeredness. And I move into the healing space.
We are often taught powerlessness. I sure felt that as a girl growing up in my childhood home. But, I am no longer a child, and I have learned how to empower myself. It is not healthy to get caught up in roller coaster realities. It is not good for your emotional body nor your physical body.
Eastern philosophies have spoken volumes to me about anger. Instead of repressing negative feelings, Eastern belief systems suggest you hold the anger like an infant. You watch it, you nurture it, you remain separate from it. And you let it pass.
As I have learned how to dispell drama, I have learned how to confront people more definitively. Instead of losing myself in run away thoughts, I step forward and really listen to what is being said. I reassure myself that no physical harm will come to me as a result of speaking my mind. And I say my truth. As the person speaks in turn, I reassure myself that anything that is said to me is not to be absorbed personally because each thing that is said is coming from the person's perspective and experience with the world.
The thing about America, is that we all have the opportunity to extend ourselves past our tribal upbringings. We are not tied to our families once we are 18. If we feel a tie, it can be broken. Emotional and energetic patterns are in existence so that we can recognize and choose our life paths. We have the ability to seek awareness of such patterns and then to take action to overcome anything in those patterns that hinder our growth and development. It can feel cumbersome with some things, but it is not impossible. Be persistent, and listen to your will.
As we create our lives, we simply need to choose our thoughts and manifest them into action one word at a time. The actions are not our focus. The thoughts are our focus. Our thoughts will make our Way or break our Way. But everything is available to us to shift us into the Oneness reality always.
We feel separation the minute we are born. But we are One with all that IS. We can remove our feeling of separateness by surrounding ourselves with thoughts of unison. Every day can become a day made for togetherness. It is a matter of programming.
As I have learned to love myself and get that we are all infinitely woven together within the Divine Matrix, I have let go of many of the large chunks of drama in my world. Again, it is a process, one that takes time and effort. But, love now empowers me to think through every moment. I follow the heart that leads me into new layers of understanding. My emotions mellow and become so much more managable. My Post Traumatic Stress Disorder becomes less and less trigger-happy. My adrenaline still floods through me on occasion; but overall, I am so much healthier. I am finally able to flow with most of my life experiences. And I am very grateful that I learned that drama is fun to watch on TV or in a movie theater, but it is not good to live with dramatic influences. Thinking becomes highly impaired as the emotions go from high to low. And that is entirely unnecessary!
Being level-headed, flowing with life rather than trying to control it, is much easier on the body. As I get to know my heart, I learn how to watch the "negative" circumstances without getting intimately involved. I learn how to watch things come and go---to watch things pass. Because they always do. Afterall, "This too shall pass."
---Bill Watterson
"The ideals which have lighted me on my way and time after time given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Truth, Goodness, and Beauty. . . . The ordinary objects of human endeavour -- property, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible."
---Albert Einstein
"There are no whole truths: all truths are half-truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil."
---Alfred North Whitehead
"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself."
---Anais Nin
"We know the truth, not only by the reason, but by the heart."
---Blaise Pascal
"Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth. This equation has its roots in pop psychology. The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis."
---Brad Holland
"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
---Alan Cohen
"It must be admitted that there is a degree of instability which is inconsistent with civilization. But, on the whole, the great ages have been unstable ones."
---Alfred North Whitehead
"What a man believes upon grossly insufficient evidence is an index into his desires -- desires of which he himself is often unconscious. If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way."
---Bertrand Russell
"Man seeks to escape himself in myth, and does so by any means at his disposal. Drugs, alcohol, or lies. Unable to withdraw into himself, he disguises himself. Lies and inaccuracy give him a few moments of comfort."
---Jean Cocteau
"As an organizer I start from where the world is, as it is, not as I would like it to be."
---Saul Alinsky
"If you must tell me your opinions, tell me what you believe in. I have plenty of douts of my own."
---Johann von Goethe
"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."
---Benjamin Disraeli
"Three passions have governed my life: The longings for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart of children in famine, of victims tortured and of old people left helpless. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living. "
---Bertrand Russell
Somewhere along my Way I learned melodrama. And with melodrama I soon failed to recognize my true emotions. For many years I felt ignored and/or abandoned by my family. And as a result, I often played the martyr or the human rights activist. I suppose that is what birth orders and individual life experiences create in people's lives...a certain uniqueness, a flavor, a personality, a path to tread.
There was a halloween when I was in grade school that sent me emotionally over the top. I remember it distinctly. My dad was frequently gone on business. His visits home were very special to me. My brother, Doug, and I got into a tiff while my parents went out to do errands. Doug chased me throughout the house with a big stick. He ran outside, and I locked him out. Not to be deterred, he knocked the screen in on the front door. When Dad and Mom got home, we both got in big trouble. We were grounded for over a week.
The deal, in my opinion , was highly unbalanced. Doug was in 7th grade. He no longer Trick or Treated, or went to Fun Night. I did both. And I was going to miss out on both due to the grounding.
Plus, Doug chased me with the stick. He tore the screen. I just locked myself inside the house to keep from being knocked upside the head. And he would have done just that: BAMM!!!
When I got the "unjust" sentence, I blew into a severe rage. The day is still quite memorable (at least the major parts are). I threw things. I screamed. I did whatever I could to force my meager power onto my parents and my brother. I am sure my dad was ready to go back to work that week! Nevertheless he held out and added to my sentence.
I think that particular rage was a precursor to my manic episodes. It was an emotional tirade that just got intensely out of control. It got the best of me. I was immersed in a vortex of emotion that mocked the best tornadoes. I never did forgive my parents for the unequal punishment I received during that holiday. [I guess I should, huh???]
I learned at an early age that I lacked physical strength compared to my three older brothers. Actually, there was a brief period where Doug's strength and my strength were fairly similar. But, in the long run I came up short all the way around. There were many instances where my brothers would overpower me physically and mentally. And those many defeating lessons created my ungodly temper tantrums to come. I couldn't win. So, I made a powerful nuisance of myself so the brother(s) in question would be just as miserable as me. The method had its merits or I would have ceased using it. Yet, somewhere along my Way I lost control when my emotions would become intense. It was a damning repercussion.
And, eventually, I lost a huge part of myself. Everything in my world became somewhat confusing. I desisted in learning how to modify my thoughts so that I could retain a semblance of order in my life. Furthermore, I often repressed my thoughts and emotions when I dealt with outsiders (a.k.a., non-family members), so there was constant physical suffering under the surface that I had no idea was brewing and causing damage.
By my early twenties, my methods for emotional and stress management began to lose their vitality. My body gave way to horrible depressions. I would often take long naps to conserve my energy---to get me through the day. I developed many short term illnesses that broke my overall physical system down piece by piece.
And when I turned 21, I began participating in activities that were highly self-destructive. I was drinking in excess. My sexuality was flagrant---hyper. I hated myself. I couldn't make the world stop long enough for me to breathe. I felt terror a lot. My thoughts got darker and darker.
In the summer of my junior year of college, I became manic for the first time. I did have some assistance. It wasn't all emotional mumbo jumbo. I was put on Prozac a couple months prior to my manic break. My new doctor assumed I was clinically depressed so he misdiagnosed me as such. He couldn't see the highs in my behavior or demeanor. [I frequently wonder whether my illness would have gotten so bad if I hadn't been prescribed an anti-depressant in the first place.] {{I still cannot take anti-depressants at all. I will fly through the "glass ceiling" if I do. If I become depressed, I just have to survive the blackened mind-state naturally and with shear determination.}}
Skipping ahead, I have gotten quite adept at my disease, Bipolar Disorder. I have been in 16 years of psychotherapy as well as 16 years of psychiatric medicine. Over the last six years, I have gained an understanding about my thoughts and emotions. My thoughts create my emotions.
I watched soap operas for 25 years. I lived for dramatic TV series. I loved movies that made me weep or soar. Now I scarcely watch TV and I rarely go to the movies. I realized a few years ago that the need for drama considerably influenced my decision-making (especially in my relationships). I enjoyed the rush of emotions that drama produced. And then...I discovered a new path.
The first biggie is that I must stay in the now. If something is not happening at this moment, then I must breathe and deal with only the moment. This is huge for me! I can't tell you how this method of thinking helps me overcome situations. It is a practice, for sure, but each time I experience a success, I grow emotionally.
The other big change has come about fairly recently. I am learning to adjust my thoughts so that I sense my ability to co-create my life. I am creating positive affirmations which are designed to attract the desires of my heart. I am dispelling my negative belief systems so that I can "see" a whole and powerful future.
I, actually, feel the difference. It is great. When something unexpected happens, the first thing I do is stop. I visualize a path of openness---a path of heart-centeredness. And I move into the healing space.
We are often taught powerlessness. I sure felt that as a girl growing up in my childhood home. But, I am no longer a child, and I have learned how to empower myself. It is not healthy to get caught up in roller coaster realities. It is not good for your emotional body nor your physical body.
Eastern philosophies have spoken volumes to me about anger. Instead of repressing negative feelings, Eastern belief systems suggest you hold the anger like an infant. You watch it, you nurture it, you remain separate from it. And you let it pass.
As I have learned how to dispell drama, I have learned how to confront people more definitively. Instead of losing myself in run away thoughts, I step forward and really listen to what is being said. I reassure myself that no physical harm will come to me as a result of speaking my mind. And I say my truth. As the person speaks in turn, I reassure myself that anything that is said to me is not to be absorbed personally because each thing that is said is coming from the person's perspective and experience with the world.
The thing about America, is that we all have the opportunity to extend ourselves past our tribal upbringings. We are not tied to our families once we are 18. If we feel a tie, it can be broken. Emotional and energetic patterns are in existence so that we can recognize and choose our life paths. We have the ability to seek awareness of such patterns and then to take action to overcome anything in those patterns that hinder our growth and development. It can feel cumbersome with some things, but it is not impossible. Be persistent, and listen to your will.
As we create our lives, we simply need to choose our thoughts and manifest them into action one word at a time. The actions are not our focus. The thoughts are our focus. Our thoughts will make our Way or break our Way. But everything is available to us to shift us into the Oneness reality always.
We feel separation the minute we are born. But we are One with all that IS. We can remove our feeling of separateness by surrounding ourselves with thoughts of unison. Every day can become a day made for togetherness. It is a matter of programming.
As I have learned to love myself and get that we are all infinitely woven together within the Divine Matrix, I have let go of many of the large chunks of drama in my world. Again, it is a process, one that takes time and effort. But, love now empowers me to think through every moment. I follow the heart that leads me into new layers of understanding. My emotions mellow and become so much more managable. My Post Traumatic Stress Disorder becomes less and less trigger-happy. My adrenaline still floods through me on occasion; but overall, I am so much healthier. I am finally able to flow with most of my life experiences. And I am very grateful that I learned that drama is fun to watch on TV or in a movie theater, but it is not good to live with dramatic influences. Thinking becomes highly impaired as the emotions go from high to low. And that is entirely unnecessary!
Being level-headed, flowing with life rather than trying to control it, is much easier on the body. As I get to know my heart, I learn how to watch the "negative" circumstances without getting intimately involved. I learn how to watch things come and go---to watch things pass. Because they always do. Afterall, "This too shall pass."
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
"Thoughts create a new heaven, a new firmament, a new source of energy, from which new arts flow." --Philipus Aureolus Paracelsus
"Through the release of atomic energy, our generation has brought into the world the most revolutionary force since prehistoric man's discovery of fire. This basic force of the universe cannot be fitted into the outmoded concept of narrow nationalisms.For there is no secret and there is no defense; there is no possibility of control except through the aroused understanding and insistence of the peoples of the world. We scientists recognize our inescapable responsibility to carry to our fellow citizens an understanding of atomic energy and its implication for society. In this lies our only security and our only hope - we believe that an informed citizenry will act for life and not for death." A. Einstein, 1947 d.C.
"See where your own energy wants to go, not where you think it should go. Do something because it feels right, not because it makes sense. Follow the spiritual impulse."
---Mary Hayes-Grieco
" 'These laws of energy are not alterable. These laws have always been and will always be in existence.'
Sources: Silver Birch, White Eagle, Sathya Sai Baba, Barbara Brennan, Leslie Flint, George Meek, Arthur Findlay, Anthony Borgia, George Meek, Sir Oliver Lodge, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Sir William Crookes, Dr Robert Crookal, Sir William Barrett, the Rev C Drayton Thomas, Rev. Johannes Greber, Geraldine Cummings, Allan Kardec, Emmanuel Swedenborg, Dr Ian Stevenson, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Helen Greaves, Stainton Moses, et al.
Traditional secular scientists are now in agreement with the spiritual scientists and have conceded that all visible matter and invisible waves in the world can be reduced to 'vibrating energy'. Below you will find laws of energy taken from information accumulated over the last few hundred years of documented human experience.
When I first started doing research into psychic phenomena I was looking for psychic laws. I found that although the laws existed by imputation, no one had hitherto formulated specific universal psychic laws.
We have laws for everything - civil and criminal laws to conduct human behavior, laws of physics describing the forces which regulate the universe, laws of biology and other laws.
Accordingly, now for the very first time it is proposed that specific laws be codified about psychic energies - not just those which operate in the physical world but energies that also transcend the physical world.
Whilst more than half of the people of the world to-day will readily attest to the validity of these laws of energy it may take some decades for these laws to be universally accepted.
First Law of psychic energy: All 'solid' objects are vibrating energy. Unseen waves are also vibrating energy- sound, radio, electricity, light, television waves, microwaves, x-rays, gamma rays and psychic energy waves.
Second law of psychic energy: The mind is an 'energy station' which creates transmits and receives energy.
The will (of the mind) can change the form of energy. Thoughts, which are waves of energy, can be transmitted to and from human minds within the earthplane and to human and other entities in the afterlife in a process called telepathy.
Third law of psychic energy: All living humans have a body made up of vibrationary energy which is a duplicate of the physical body and will survive physical death. This vibrationary energy body invisible to physical eyes can change form but can never be destroyed and retains consciousness. At the time of physical death, the duplicate body will have reached a certain vibrational level and will go to an energy sphere that can accommodate those vibrations. Selfless spiritual service increases the vibrational energy of the duplicate body.
Fourth law of psychic energy: The afterlife has different levels of energy which form different spheres according to the speed of vibration. The faster the vibrations of a sphere the higher and more spiritually evolved are the entities which reside there.
Fifth law of psychic energy: The more spiritually evolved a being is the brighter the energy of the aura.
Sixth law of psychic energy: Slowing down the speed of the atomic vortices of the energy will result in materialisation. Speeding up the vortices will result in de-materialisation
Seventh law of psychic energy: Energy is a 'boomerang' - the energy you give out will return to you. Victor Zammit (May 2001)
[http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/amethystbt/psychic7lawspsychicenergy.html]
Spiritual Science was the term Rudolf Steiner used from spiritual investigations through a rigorous and careful process to achieve a high standard of accuracy. Accurate results through spiritual science could be achieved by careful and meticulous work on the seekers part to develop a high moral and spiritual character, so that his or her own inner distortions would not taint spiritual visions of the higher worlds. Seekers at similar levels of development could then achieve similar understandings of reality, much in the same way that scientists may explore the material world, thus promoting a scientific spiritual investigation. These spiritual understandings can be attained by a path of spiritual development as laid out in many of Rudolf Steiner's books, such as How to Know Higher Worlds and Spiritual Knowledge as an Intuitive Path. Although mystical perception was a part of this, character development and the proper balance of thinking, willing and feeling was an important part of self development towards a true spiritual science.
[http://www.onlinehumanities.com/spiritual-science.html]
"What is 'life force?'
The 'life force,' often called 'energy' in Western culture, is an entity that permeates and bonds all. It is sometimes referred to as the 'vital force.' In China, it is called Qi; in India it is called prana. It is believed the 'life force' extends throughout the universe and that the individual is part of an indivisible whole. Most Eastern philosophies share this common theme of universal spirit and wholeness. Individuals who practice such alternative medical approaches as meditation, yoga or tai chi do so not only because it decreases stress and anxiety and promotes general well-being, but also because it helps them connect with the 'life energy' within and around them. The belief is that because the 'life force' permeates everything, an individual is unavoidably affected by external events and energies. Thus, treatment of the individual should consider the mind/body/spirit interaction as well as an overall connection to the universe.
What is energy healing?
Energy healing is based on the belief that our 'life force' creates energy fields that are unbalanced during emotional or physical disease. Because our energy fields are part of an interconnected whole, the use of focused intention by one individual can aid in the health and well being of another. Many individuals use their own individual means of directing their intention to heal. Others practice according to schools such as Reiki. In the West, a common form of energy healing is Therapeutic Touch, which has been taught to thousands of nurses across the United States.
Healers operate in many different ways. For example, they visualize, send intentions for diseased cells to die, send intentions for cells to revert to their optimum state of health, or simply send loving energy. A common theme is the intention for the well-being of the client. Another is focusing on being a conduit for a loving, universal life force.
An interesting feature of energy healing is that it may be performed over distances of thousands of miles. The 'life force' claimed to be transmitted by energy healers does not have the properties of any known form of energy.
A comparable practice to energy healing that is used frequently in the West is prayer. A 1996 survey showed that 82 percent of Americans believed in the healing power of prayer. A survey of patients in American Cancer Society support groups for breast cancer found that 88 percent experienced beneficial effects of spiritual and religious practice.
Blending of paradigms
The idea that an energy can be transmitted from one person to affect the health of another, especially from a distance, does have some scientific merit. This idea is quite compatible with theories of quantum physics, in which there are no time/space barriers. In quantum physics, subatomic particles communicate instantaneously, and theoretically, particles can affect each other at far ends of the galaxies.
It has been about 80 years since Einstein introduced his theory of relativity and quantum mechanics was born. This represented a complete paradigm shift that still has not been incorporated into medicine. However, as the science provides more and more indications that there may be realities and energies that are beyond our current comprehension, the interest in performing scientific research to detect the effects of such energies is increasing."
[http://www.clevelandclinic.org/health/health-info/docs/2600/2613.asp?index=9821]
My ex-boyfriend, Chris, is a powerful intuitive. [One concrete example of his intuitive abilities can be seen if I relate an interaction he and I once had. I mailed a package to him. The day that I mailed the package {He lived in Nova Scotia. I lived in Virginia.}, I called him to tease him about the "soon to be coming" gift box. He told me what 6 out of the 7 items in the box were. From my perspective, the 7th item was a near miss. He said there was a statue in the box. It was a stuffed animal on a pedastal. The gift items were not particularly ordinary. They were pretty unique. Yet, he "saw" them with a technique known as Remote Viewing.]
Over the years that he and I were together, Chris taught me many things about energy. [Psychic work is simply energy work.] It took me a long time to transfer my ideologies from my upbringing to what I am into "playing" with now. But, eventually I started to get what he was trying to teach me. NOW I get a lot of what he taught me!
In my last post, I talked a little about how I began to make a distinction between my persona and the pathology of Bipolar disorder as it affects me. Chris opened me to so much of my current health awareness. I am so grateful to him.
Holistic belief systems encourage people to see themselves as whole and One with all that IS. At this time, I cannot cease my traditional medical regime to adopt holistic principles altogether. That would be reckless on my part, and I have had enough pain and suffering in my personal world. I firmly think that we each have a path that gets us to go where we must, in the end, go. But, I do believe whole-heartedly in the theories of holistic terms. And every day, I learn more and more so that, perhaps, one day I can jump feet first into the All loving universe I work to see and feel. I practice and I practice. I will eventually manifest it. I will!!!
In the meantime, energy work is fascinating to me. Somewhere along my Way, I began to experience the healing power of energy. I think I first read Anodea Judith's book Wheels of Life. The book really defined the chakra system. I, also, read a little bit about shamanism. Suddenly things began to make sense to me. Like a game of "Dot to Dot," I started connecting to many different philosophers, scientists and New Age gurus.
My Christian background limited me for a bit. I used to automatically discount certain authors because of my old spiritual belief system and my spiritual tracks. Eventually, however, Chris broke that barrier and I began to absorb lots of concepts I never knew existed. Concepts that were awesome and liberating!
I still have to work around my constraints like my various psychiatrists' prejudices regarding psychic phenomenon. For instance, recently I had a book with me when I went to my bi-monthly med check. The book was about psychic development. My doctor entered his office, saw the book title, and then contorted his face in disdain and "psychiatric curiosity." He immediately managed to work the book title into his evaluation.
I snickered. "How castrating," I thought. And then I gave him a mundane response so that he could disband HIS worry.
That type of "curiosity" is commonplace in my life. Friends, family, and medical personnel all question my sanity due to my interests and/or my enhanced personality features. People disbelieve what they have never experienced, especially when they have partial foundational arguements "tucked away in their pockets." And despite all the discriminatory thoughts that get shoveled my way, I believe in MANY things that fail to belong to "normal" society---whatever that is. [Is there actually a norm in the year 2008? I mean come on! A "legal" man is about to give birth to a child. Really now, think about that.]
I often have to provide calming evidence to whomever I am causing alarm. But rarely does anyone apologize to me for making me defend myself. And the best part, to me, is that the moments I am hospitalized for Mania or Depression, I am usually very alone. People may or may not be there to support me.
Besides Judith's title and the book on shamanism, I, also, got seriously interested in Carl Gustav Jung. I resonated to him right away. Initially, Carolyn Myss mentioned his theories about the universal archetypes. Then my therapist mentioned his studies about the shadow. Finally, I dug through to his concepts involving synchronicities. He is a definite soul connection for me!
Approximately three years ago, I started writing down every synchronicity I noticed. [Synchronicities occur all the time but we must be intuned to notice them. This is what the New Age and Eastern philosophy movements refer to as Awareness.] I found recording synchronicities a fascinating practice. Because of it, I began to "see" things very differently.
Suddenly many of Chris' lessons made total sense to me. I was awakening. Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth believes this is our primary role for living. I still believe loving is our primary role for living! But, awakening is certainly important in the grand scheme of things!
As I learned about the alternative and holistic modalities, I started to believe that healing from Bipolar disorder is not only possible but probable. Yet, one must apply him/herself to that healing mode---daily and with patience.
My disease has been very minimized compared to four years ago. [It has a long way to go.] I have been creating a new reality step by step by step. I lost Chris in the process. That was very hard to deal with. Obviously I think of him quite often. And I keep opening myself to the healing power of the universe where he is concerned. He is a beautiful and rare human being. It will be hard to top him and his influence on my life. But life does go on!
The last two or three years have brought me many energetic encounters. One of my dearest friends entered my sphere after I got in a major car accident and sustained neck and back injuries. My friend to be was my physical therapist. Due to insurance and ethical issues, we had to put our friendship on hold for a year. After all those issues resolved themselves, she re-entered my life and introduced me to a holistic modality called BodyTalk. Wow what a cool modality!
For two years that friend has been fine tuning my physical and mental and emotional bodies. In conjunction, a year ago I met a man that was saturated in energy "stuff." We became friends as well. Between the two friendships, I have grown a lot, and my health has increased immeasurably. [I never knew it could!] Currently, I am exposing myself to a series of craniosacral sessions. I am fascinated to see what outcome will follow.
Energy work is real. Many people cannot grasp this concept. They are dependent on viewpoints that stem from their parents or tribe(s). They refuse to open themselves to anything that they are unsure of. They are often afraid.
I began seriously investing in energetic healing when I had a severe breathing problem that lasted for over four months. I went to an otolaryngologist to correct the problem. The ENT "fired" me as a patient because my psychiatrist at the time said I was not to take any kind of steroids---topical or otherwise. The ENT told me my psychiatrist could deal with my breathing problem. [Incidentally, I had just been hospitalized for severe Mania due to a steroid pack another doctor prescribed to me for tracheitis.] I was not only shocked, I was horrifed that a physician would do such a thing! [Idealistically I thought, "Where is the Hippocratic oath when you need it?!?!] I called my friend and massage therapist about an accupuncturist she knew.
She hooked me up to the alternative modality practitioner. Within three accupuncture sessions, I was breathing problem free! That experience turned me against traditional medicine monopolies for good. Never again would I believe in the conventional practices as totally sound and solid. Instead, I opened myself to the realms of wholism. Yes, I still owned traditional modalities as frequently valid; but, I also owned that which cannot be easily seen---like accupuncture, BodyTalk, and craniosacral work.
By allowing the holistic and alternative practices into my world, I thought myself into creating a new heaven, a new firmament, a new source of energy. I found avenues that have given me a considerable amount of healing and peace.
My heart continues to expand. A year ago my friend that is currently giving me craniosacral sessions said to me something like, "It is your heart not your head that leads you." I lit up like a firecracker. Never had I conceived that if I opened my heart continously and vigilently I would heal in so many facets of my life. And, yet, I have. And people are starting to see it. They are starting to make comments about it.
As things go, I contend that each moment is ours to co-create with. I understand that my breath is life itself joining me to all who we ARE, and WERE and WILL BE. I believe in the power of Oneness. I deny the limiting thoughts that guided me for years. I feel the energy of the earth and the sky. I encompass the powers that BE so that I might free myself from all the "boxes" I drew myself into throughout my life. I believe in GOD ALMIGHTY, GOD OF LOVE AND LIGHT, GOD WHO CARES FOR AND KNOWS EVERY SINGLE BEING IN THE UNIVERSE. I sense my importance and I strive to share it with all that I can. That is my awakening. That is my path for now.
Each of us has a Way that is not indifferent or opposed to the Source of All Life. We need only arise from the ashes from which we were born, and believe in the Love that is available to our body, mind, soul and spirit. It is a beautiful place of resurrection. Each of us are a Phoenix waiting to take flight in the glory and love of who we already ARE, WERE and WILL BE. Trust in your heart and the world of healing will open to you! We each are made of energy. We each vibrate at the level we need to be for now. Trust in the process of living...
The last exciting opportunity I must relate in this blog is that a month ago I took part in a class called, "Energetic Transformations." For the first time, I actually experienced formal "training" to work with energy in a healing context. That was thrilling. I can't wait for my next experience! Who knows where such experiences will take me.
"See where your own energy wants to go, not where you think it should go. Do something because it feels right, not because it makes sense. Follow the spiritual impulse."
---Mary Hayes-Grieco
" 'These laws of energy are not alterable. These laws have always been and will always be in existence.'
Sources: Silver Birch, White Eagle, Sathya Sai Baba, Barbara Brennan, Leslie Flint, George Meek, Arthur Findlay, Anthony Borgia, George Meek, Sir Oliver Lodge, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Sir William Crookes, Dr Robert Crookal, Sir William Barrett, the Rev C Drayton Thomas, Rev. Johannes Greber, Geraldine Cummings, Allan Kardec, Emmanuel Swedenborg, Dr Ian Stevenson, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Helen Greaves, Stainton Moses, et al.
Traditional secular scientists are now in agreement with the spiritual scientists and have conceded that all visible matter and invisible waves in the world can be reduced to 'vibrating energy'. Below you will find laws of energy taken from information accumulated over the last few hundred years of documented human experience.
When I first started doing research into psychic phenomena I was looking for psychic laws. I found that although the laws existed by imputation, no one had hitherto formulated specific universal psychic laws.
We have laws for everything - civil and criminal laws to conduct human behavior, laws of physics describing the forces which regulate the universe, laws of biology and other laws.
Accordingly, now for the very first time it is proposed that specific laws be codified about psychic energies - not just those which operate in the physical world but energies that also transcend the physical world.
Whilst more than half of the people of the world to-day will readily attest to the validity of these laws of energy it may take some decades for these laws to be universally accepted.
First Law of psychic energy: All 'solid' objects are vibrating energy. Unseen waves are also vibrating energy- sound, radio, electricity, light, television waves, microwaves, x-rays, gamma rays and psychic energy waves.
Second law of psychic energy: The mind is an 'energy station' which creates transmits and receives energy.
The will (of the mind) can change the form of energy. Thoughts, which are waves of energy, can be transmitted to and from human minds within the earthplane and to human and other entities in the afterlife in a process called telepathy.
Third law of psychic energy: All living humans have a body made up of vibrationary energy which is a duplicate of the physical body and will survive physical death. This vibrationary energy body invisible to physical eyes can change form but can never be destroyed and retains consciousness. At the time of physical death, the duplicate body will have reached a certain vibrational level and will go to an energy sphere that can accommodate those vibrations. Selfless spiritual service increases the vibrational energy of the duplicate body.
Fourth law of psychic energy: The afterlife has different levels of energy which form different spheres according to the speed of vibration. The faster the vibrations of a sphere the higher and more spiritually evolved are the entities which reside there.
Fifth law of psychic energy: The more spiritually evolved a being is the brighter the energy of the aura.
Sixth law of psychic energy: Slowing down the speed of the atomic vortices of the energy will result in materialisation. Speeding up the vortices will result in de-materialisation
Seventh law of psychic energy: Energy is a 'boomerang' - the energy you give out will return to you. Victor Zammit (May 2001)
[http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/amethystbt/psychic7lawspsychicenergy.html]
Spiritual Science was the term Rudolf Steiner used from spiritual investigations through a rigorous and careful process to achieve a high standard of accuracy. Accurate results through spiritual science could be achieved by careful and meticulous work on the seekers part to develop a high moral and spiritual character, so that his or her own inner distortions would not taint spiritual visions of the higher worlds. Seekers at similar levels of development could then achieve similar understandings of reality, much in the same way that scientists may explore the material world, thus promoting a scientific spiritual investigation. These spiritual understandings can be attained by a path of spiritual development as laid out in many of Rudolf Steiner's books, such as How to Know Higher Worlds and Spiritual Knowledge as an Intuitive Path. Although mystical perception was a part of this, character development and the proper balance of thinking, willing and feeling was an important part of self development towards a true spiritual science.
[http://www.onlinehumanities.com/spiritual-science.html]
"What is 'life force?'
The 'life force,' often called 'energy' in Western culture, is an entity that permeates and bonds all. It is sometimes referred to as the 'vital force.' In China, it is called Qi; in India it is called prana. It is believed the 'life force' extends throughout the universe and that the individual is part of an indivisible whole. Most Eastern philosophies share this common theme of universal spirit and wholeness. Individuals who practice such alternative medical approaches as meditation, yoga or tai chi do so not only because it decreases stress and anxiety and promotes general well-being, but also because it helps them connect with the 'life energy' within and around them. The belief is that because the 'life force' permeates everything, an individual is unavoidably affected by external events and energies. Thus, treatment of the individual should consider the mind/body/spirit interaction as well as an overall connection to the universe.
What is energy healing?
Energy healing is based on the belief that our 'life force' creates energy fields that are unbalanced during emotional or physical disease. Because our energy fields are part of an interconnected whole, the use of focused intention by one individual can aid in the health and well being of another. Many individuals use their own individual means of directing their intention to heal. Others practice according to schools such as Reiki. In the West, a common form of energy healing is Therapeutic Touch, which has been taught to thousands of nurses across the United States.
Healers operate in many different ways. For example, they visualize, send intentions for diseased cells to die, send intentions for cells to revert to their optimum state of health, or simply send loving energy. A common theme is the intention for the well-being of the client. Another is focusing on being a conduit for a loving, universal life force.
An interesting feature of energy healing is that it may be performed over distances of thousands of miles. The 'life force' claimed to be transmitted by energy healers does not have the properties of any known form of energy.
A comparable practice to energy healing that is used frequently in the West is prayer. A 1996 survey showed that 82 percent of Americans believed in the healing power of prayer. A survey of patients in American Cancer Society support groups for breast cancer found that 88 percent experienced beneficial effects of spiritual and religious practice.
Blending of paradigms
The idea that an energy can be transmitted from one person to affect the health of another, especially from a distance, does have some scientific merit. This idea is quite compatible with theories of quantum physics, in which there are no time/space barriers. In quantum physics, subatomic particles communicate instantaneously, and theoretically, particles can affect each other at far ends of the galaxies.
It has been about 80 years since Einstein introduced his theory of relativity and quantum mechanics was born. This represented a complete paradigm shift that still has not been incorporated into medicine. However, as the science provides more and more indications that there may be realities and energies that are beyond our current comprehension, the interest in performing scientific research to detect the effects of such energies is increasing."
[http://www.clevelandclinic.org/health/health-info/docs/2600/2613.asp?index=9821]
My ex-boyfriend, Chris, is a powerful intuitive. [One concrete example of his intuitive abilities can be seen if I relate an interaction he and I once had. I mailed a package to him. The day that I mailed the package {He lived in Nova Scotia. I lived in Virginia.}, I called him to tease him about the "soon to be coming" gift box. He told me what 6 out of the 7 items in the box were. From my perspective, the 7th item was a near miss. He said there was a statue in the box. It was a stuffed animal on a pedastal. The gift items were not particularly ordinary. They were pretty unique. Yet, he "saw" them with a technique known as Remote Viewing.]
Over the years that he and I were together, Chris taught me many things about energy. [Psychic work is simply energy work.] It took me a long time to transfer my ideologies from my upbringing to what I am into "playing" with now. But, eventually I started to get what he was trying to teach me. NOW I get a lot of what he taught me!
In my last post, I talked a little about how I began to make a distinction between my persona and the pathology of Bipolar disorder as it affects me. Chris opened me to so much of my current health awareness. I am so grateful to him.
Holistic belief systems encourage people to see themselves as whole and One with all that IS. At this time, I cannot cease my traditional medical regime to adopt holistic principles altogether. That would be reckless on my part, and I have had enough pain and suffering in my personal world. I firmly think that we each have a path that gets us to go where we must, in the end, go. But, I do believe whole-heartedly in the theories of holistic terms. And every day, I learn more and more so that, perhaps, one day I can jump feet first into the All loving universe I work to see and feel. I practice and I practice. I will eventually manifest it. I will!!!
In the meantime, energy work is fascinating to me. Somewhere along my Way, I began to experience the healing power of energy. I think I first read Anodea Judith's book Wheels of Life. The book really defined the chakra system. I, also, read a little bit about shamanism. Suddenly things began to make sense to me. Like a game of "Dot to Dot," I started connecting to many different philosophers, scientists and New Age gurus.
My Christian background limited me for a bit. I used to automatically discount certain authors because of my old spiritual belief system and my spiritual tracks. Eventually, however, Chris broke that barrier and I began to absorb lots of concepts I never knew existed. Concepts that were awesome and liberating!
I still have to work around my constraints like my various psychiatrists' prejudices regarding psychic phenomenon. For instance, recently I had a book with me when I went to my bi-monthly med check. The book was about psychic development. My doctor entered his office, saw the book title, and then contorted his face in disdain and "psychiatric curiosity." He immediately managed to work the book title into his evaluation.
I snickered. "How castrating," I thought. And then I gave him a mundane response so that he could disband HIS worry.
That type of "curiosity" is commonplace in my life. Friends, family, and medical personnel all question my sanity due to my interests and/or my enhanced personality features. People disbelieve what they have never experienced, especially when they have partial foundational arguements "tucked away in their pockets." And despite all the discriminatory thoughts that get shoveled my way, I believe in MANY things that fail to belong to "normal" society---whatever that is. [Is there actually a norm in the year 2008? I mean come on! A "legal" man is about to give birth to a child. Really now, think about that.]
I often have to provide calming evidence to whomever I am causing alarm. But rarely does anyone apologize to me for making me defend myself. And the best part, to me, is that the moments I am hospitalized for Mania or Depression, I am usually very alone. People may or may not be there to support me.
Besides Judith's title and the book on shamanism, I, also, got seriously interested in Carl Gustav Jung. I resonated to him right away. Initially, Carolyn Myss mentioned his theories about the universal archetypes. Then my therapist mentioned his studies about the shadow. Finally, I dug through to his concepts involving synchronicities. He is a definite soul connection for me!
Approximately three years ago, I started writing down every synchronicity I noticed. [Synchronicities occur all the time but we must be intuned to notice them. This is what the New Age and Eastern philosophy movements refer to as Awareness.] I found recording synchronicities a fascinating practice. Because of it, I began to "see" things very differently.
Suddenly many of Chris' lessons made total sense to me. I was awakening. Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth believes this is our primary role for living. I still believe loving is our primary role for living! But, awakening is certainly important in the grand scheme of things!
As I learned about the alternative and holistic modalities, I started to believe that healing from Bipolar disorder is not only possible but probable. Yet, one must apply him/herself to that healing mode---daily and with patience.
My disease has been very minimized compared to four years ago. [It has a long way to go.] I have been creating a new reality step by step by step. I lost Chris in the process. That was very hard to deal with. Obviously I think of him quite often. And I keep opening myself to the healing power of the universe where he is concerned. He is a beautiful and rare human being. It will be hard to top him and his influence on my life. But life does go on!
The last two or three years have brought me many energetic encounters. One of my dearest friends entered my sphere after I got in a major car accident and sustained neck and back injuries. My friend to be was my physical therapist. Due to insurance and ethical issues, we had to put our friendship on hold for a year. After all those issues resolved themselves, she re-entered my life and introduced me to a holistic modality called BodyTalk. Wow what a cool modality!
For two years that friend has been fine tuning my physical and mental and emotional bodies. In conjunction, a year ago I met a man that was saturated in energy "stuff." We became friends as well. Between the two friendships, I have grown a lot, and my health has increased immeasurably. [I never knew it could!] Currently, I am exposing myself to a series of craniosacral sessions. I am fascinated to see what outcome will follow.
Energy work is real. Many people cannot grasp this concept. They are dependent on viewpoints that stem from their parents or tribe(s). They refuse to open themselves to anything that they are unsure of. They are often afraid.
I began seriously investing in energetic healing when I had a severe breathing problem that lasted for over four months. I went to an otolaryngologist to correct the problem. The ENT "fired" me as a patient because my psychiatrist at the time said I was not to take any kind of steroids---topical or otherwise. The ENT told me my psychiatrist could deal with my breathing problem. [Incidentally, I had just been hospitalized for severe Mania due to a steroid pack another doctor prescribed to me for tracheitis.] I was not only shocked, I was horrifed that a physician would do such a thing! [Idealistically I thought, "Where is the Hippocratic oath when you need it?!?!] I called my friend and massage therapist about an accupuncturist she knew.
She hooked me up to the alternative modality practitioner. Within three accupuncture sessions, I was breathing problem free! That experience turned me against traditional medicine monopolies for good. Never again would I believe in the conventional practices as totally sound and solid. Instead, I opened myself to the realms of wholism. Yes, I still owned traditional modalities as frequently valid; but, I also owned that which cannot be easily seen---like accupuncture, BodyTalk, and craniosacral work.
By allowing the holistic and alternative practices into my world, I thought myself into creating a new heaven, a new firmament, a new source of energy. I found avenues that have given me a considerable amount of healing and peace.
My heart continues to expand. A year ago my friend that is currently giving me craniosacral sessions said to me something like, "It is your heart not your head that leads you." I lit up like a firecracker. Never had I conceived that if I opened my heart continously and vigilently I would heal in so many facets of my life. And, yet, I have. And people are starting to see it. They are starting to make comments about it.
As things go, I contend that each moment is ours to co-create with. I understand that my breath is life itself joining me to all who we ARE, and WERE and WILL BE. I believe in the power of Oneness. I deny the limiting thoughts that guided me for years. I feel the energy of the earth and the sky. I encompass the powers that BE so that I might free myself from all the "boxes" I drew myself into throughout my life. I believe in GOD ALMIGHTY, GOD OF LOVE AND LIGHT, GOD WHO CARES FOR AND KNOWS EVERY SINGLE BEING IN THE UNIVERSE. I sense my importance and I strive to share it with all that I can. That is my awakening. That is my path for now.
Each of us has a Way that is not indifferent or opposed to the Source of All Life. We need only arise from the ashes from which we were born, and believe in the Love that is available to our body, mind, soul and spirit. It is a beautiful place of resurrection. Each of us are a Phoenix waiting to take flight in the glory and love of who we already ARE, WERE and WILL BE. Trust in your heart and the world of healing will open to you! We each are made of energy. We each vibrate at the level we need to be for now. Trust in the process of living...
The last exciting opportunity I must relate in this blog is that a month ago I took part in a class called, "Energetic Transformations." For the first time, I actually experienced formal "training" to work with energy in a healing context. That was thrilling. I can't wait for my next experience! Who knows where such experiences will take me.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Pathology versus Persona
"Pathology is the study of disease. It is sometimes very difficult to clarify the precise boundary between a state of health and a state of disease.
In a state of health, there is an adaptive capacity to acquire and allocate a balanced ration of the resources needed for survival. An insufficient amount of any resource results in a deficiency, while an excess of a resource or anything else in the environment may be toxic. In a pathological state there is either a failure or a dysregulation of the capacity to acquire and allocate needed resources and to defend effectively against threats. In some instances there may be an impaired capacity to adequately discriminate between what is harmful or beneficial and/or an impaired capacity to respond with adequate adaptive specificity.
This adaptive failure may be further magnified when a subsequent cascade of events causes further adaptive failure resulting in a disintegrative vicious cycle. In nature, there is a redundancy of checks and balance, which often acts as a safeguard preventing pathological processes. In addition, many weaknesses may be compensated by other stronger capabilities. Although constant change, stress, and distress are frequent events; pathology usually occurs only when there is an interaction of a vulnerability and a life situation that cannot be compensated because there is a sequence of failures of multiple regulatory systems which are often safeguards to disease.
Vulnerabilities to disease may be genetic, developmental and caused by prior trauma.
In most cases, specific life situations combined with specific vulnerabilities lead to disease."
[http://www.mentalhealthandillness.com/pathology.html]
"'Holistic' means body, mind and spirit connections. Traditional mental health services do not consider this view. Historically, they do not consider cure or recovery either. Nevertheless, a holistic view is important as an alternative because it contributes to a person’s healing.
This view blends eastern and western philosophies to help us understand mental illness and mental health. Western philosophy’s belief, based on objective knowledge, is that genetics, biology, and/or environment cause mental illness, and that mental illness is incurable. However, eastern philosophy, based on subjective experience, regards mind, body and spirit connections not as separate but parts of the whole. A holistic view recognizes that healing is possible.
David McMillin, a mental health professional in Virginia Beach, Virginia, has studied this view and applies it in his work. David states, 'Spirit is the life (life force), mind is the builder, and the physical is the result.' He says the individual consists of mind, body and spirit.
Mr. McMillin further states, 'The psyche or soul connects at definite anatomical centers in the physical body. For example, mind connects the physical body through the nervous system. The spiritual connections in the physical body are primarily through the glandular system, particularly the endocrine glands.' Mr. McMillin further explains, 'Another way of thinking about the soul is that it is the individual aspect of spirit. Conversely, spirit is the universal aspect of soul. Soul (psyche) is the part of us that grows and develops. Spirit is the universal creative life force of the soul’s development.'
It is the spiritual force through which we have the ability to work, to affect change, to perform over a period of time and space in a materialistic world. Spirit is the force behind our lives. Spirit is a universal principle of life. Spirit is dynamic energy — the energy we bring to our lives that gives them a spark.
By blending eastern/western philosophies, we understand that illness happens when these holistic connections become disrupted through heredity or genetics, injury or trauma, meditation practices, deep study of religious beliefs or scripture for enlightenment, not using your energy constructively, environment, or the psyche (soul) of one person influencing the psyche (soul) of another. Disorder or illness occurs when the holistic connections are out of balance. Imbalances are responsible for physical and psychological illnesses. In the holistic view, mental illness has its origin when the spiritual and/or physical become imbalanced. However, order is inherent in disorder, making a return to health possible."
[http://touchngo.com/ahs/holistic.htm]
Over the years, it has come to my attention that it is quite difficult to determine what is ME and what is the disease called Bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with the disease in 1992. Initially, my psychiatrist at the time misdiagnosed the illness. I had experienced a long period of severe Depression while I was entering my second semester of my junior year of college. Naturally, the psychiatrist assumed I had Clinical Depression.
He prescribed the new "miracle" drug, Prozac. Several weeks later I was "flying through the clouds." I was exhibiting virtually all of the symptoms of Full-blown Mania. Prozac had spiked me through to the heavens. And I knew it, so I just stopped the medication. I am not sure which thing was worse, to stay on the Prozac or to abruptly stop it without any step down of the med.
That summer was shocking and horrifying. I had no idea that one's world could spin so far out of control so quickly. I thought, "I don't have mental illness." But by the same token, I couldn't reconcile anything that happened to me or around me. One day I was sane and the next day I was not. I was embarassed and I felt like a leper. Actually, I felt damned. [I needed some sort of answer to make things better.]
I'll never forget the brief conversation I had with my step-mom about my condition. There was a guy I met in the local Crisis Stabilization Unit that had the diagnosis Schizophrenia. While I was highly psychotic from my first Mania, I thought the guy was funny and entertaining. After I had been released from the Unit and I was becoming stabilized, I felt the distortion and disparity of emotional connection between us. I tried to deny our relationship and I acted inconvenienced by his diagnosis. My step-mom immediately said, "So! Do you realize you have mental illness?"
Wow! It hit me like a ton of bricks. That summer and fall continued to be extremely hard. I spent time for Mania in the Crisis Stabilization Unit near my college campus. Then I spent additional time for Clinical Depression in a hospital in the town from which I graduated from high school. My body blew up like a balloon. My skin became blemished all over. My hands began to tremor. I knew the whole thing was just some disasterous mistake. I was caught somewhere inside myself. I didn't know who I was. But I wasn't "insanity." I just didn't know what was happening to me. But, I felt like I was Job of the Bible.
I had to take the fall semester off from college so that I could recooperate. My cognitive abilities were temporarily impaired and I needed time to heal. I did basic things to build myself back up. I worked in a retail store. I read. I watched TV and movies. Simple stuff like that.
When I returned to UF, I graduated with honors. But, I increasingedly had such a difficult time knowing what to do with myself. My identity crisis intensified. I was confused and scared. Who was I? Where was I going?
Upon graduation I moved to Virginia. I had been searching for over two years for an explanation for my predicament. Approximately six months after establishing myself in the new state, I got heavily involved in the Charismatic Christian Church (Albeit one with a Presbyterian structure). It was during this phase of my life that I learned how closely connected my pathology and my persona were.
The Charismatic Christian Church believes in the Gifts of the Holy Spirit. So, of course, at some point I, also, believed in them. I loved the rush of the Spirit moving through my congregation during praise and worship. It was powerful and awe inspiring!
1 Corinthians 14
1 Follow after charity, be zealous for spiritual gifts; but rather that you may prophesy. Prophesy... That is, declare or expound the mysteries of faith. 2 For he that speaketh in a tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God: for no man heareth. Yet by the Spirit he speaketh mysteries. Not unto men... Viz., so as to be heard, that is, so as to be understood by them. 3 But he that prophesieth speaketh to men unto edification and exhortation and comfort. 4 He that speaketh in a tongue edifieth himself: but he that prophesieth, edifieth the church. 5 And I would have you all to speak with tongues, but rather to prophesy. For greater is he that prophesieth than he that speaketh with tongues: unless perhaps he interpret, that the church may receive edification. 6 But now, brethren, if I come to you speaking with tongues, what shall I profit you, unless I speak to you either in revelation or in knowledge or in prophecy or in doctrine? 7 Even things without life that give sound, whether pipe or harp, except they give a distinction of sounds, how shall it be known what is piped or harped? 8 For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle? 9 So likewise you, except you utter by the tongue plain speech, how shall it be known what is said? For you shall be speaking into the air. 10 There are, for example, so many kinds of tongues in this world: and none is without voice. 11 If then I know not the power of the voice, I shall be to him to whom I speak a barbarian: and he that speaketh a barbarian to me. 12 So you also, forasmuch as you are zealous of spirits, seek to abound unto the edifying of the church. Of spirits... Of spiritual gifts. 13 And therefore he that speaketh by a tongue, let him pray that he may interpret. 14 For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prayeth: but my understanding is without fruit. 15 What is it then? I will pray with the spirit, I will pray also with the understanding, I will sing with the spirit, I will sing also with the understanding. 16 Else, if thou shalt bless with the spirit, how shall he that holdeth the place of the unlearned say, Amen, to thy blessing? Because he knoweth not what thou sayest. Amen... The unlearned, not knowing that you are then blessing, will not be qualified to join with you by saying Amen to your blessing. The use or abuse of strange tongues, of which the apostle here speaks, does not regard the public liturgy of the church, (in which strange tongues were never used), but certain conferences of the faithful (1 Corinthians 14:26, etc.), in which, meeting together, they discovered to one another their various miraculous gifts of the Spirit, common in those primitive times; amongst which the apostle prefers that of prophesying before that of speaking strange tongues, because it was more to the public edification. Where also not, that the Latin, used in our liturgy, is so far from being a strange or unknown tongue, that it is perhaps the best known tongue in the world. 17 For thou indeed givest thanks well: but the other is not edified. 18 I thank my God I speak with all your tongues. 19 But in the church I had rather speak five words with my understanding, that I may instruct others also: than ten thousand words in a tongue. 20 Brethren, do not become children in sense. But in malice be children: and in sense be perfect. 21 In the law it is written: In other tongues and other lips I will speak to this people: and neither so will they hear me, saith the Lord. 22 Wherefore tongues are for a sign, not to believers but to unbelievers: but prophecies, not to unbelievers but to believers. 23 If therefore the whole church come together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there come in unlearned persons or infidels, will they not say that you are mad? 24 But if all prophesy, and there come in one that believeth not or an unlearned person, he is convinced of all: he is judged of all. 25 The secrets of his heart are made manifest. And so, falling down on his face, he will adore God, affirming that God is among you indeed.
26 How is it then, brethren? When you come together, every one of you hath a psalm, hath a doctrine, hath a revelation, hath a tongue, hath an interpretation: let all things be done to edification. 27 If any speak with a tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and in course: and let one interpret. 28 But if there be no interpreter, let him hold his peace in the church and speak to himself and to God. 29 And let the prophets speak, two or three: and let the rest judge. 30 But if any thing be revealed to another sitting, let the first hold his peace. 31 For you may all prophesy, one by one, that all may learn and all may be exhorted. 32 And the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets. 33 For God is not the God of dissension, but of peace: as also I teach in all the churches of the saints. 34 Let women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted them to speak but to be subject, as also the law saith. 35 But if they would learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is a shame for a woman to speak in the church. 36 Or did the word of God come out from you? Or came it only unto you? 37 If any seem to be a prophet or spiritual, let him know the things that I write to you, that they are the commandments of the Lord. 38 But if any man know not, he shall not be known. 39 Wherefore, brethren, be zealous to prophesy: and forbid not to speak with tongues. 40 But let all things be done decently and according to order.
[http://www.newadvent.org/bible/1co014.htm]
The Church (filled with the Spirit) became my homestead for five years. Right or wrong it provided me with answers for my problems, and I desperately needed some kind of something! Where my parents were no longer, God [the Church] WAS.
My illness was sort of "in check." But my sense for heightened mysticism was being cultivated by my regular involvement with the Church. And at the time, I did not understand how my lithium worked at all. I just knew about the threat of going without lithium. [My last Floridian doctor told me never to stop taking the med. If I did I would end up even sicker.] In conjunction, I didn't understand my sickness was constantly cycling regardless of how much medication I took to manage it. I thought if I took my meds as prescribed I was cured.
I was, also, an area sales manager for a department store during that time period of my life. My retail work schedule did not allow for a consistent prescription drug regime. My shift work was always changing which kept me up late at night and then demanded that I get up early the next morning. In the end, the fluctuating schedules completely disrupted my circadian rhythms. I didn't know it, but my mind entered into a rhythm that was much higher than the average person. My thoughts would race to and fro. There was little calm. [But I FELT calm because I felt "God."]
As far as I am concerned, the ignorance on my part of how to keep myself as mentally stable as possible by using pharmacological management is a point of gross neglience concerning the medical community.
It has been my experience that most mentally ill patients receive little to no education about their diseases. As a result many patients fail to take their meds appropriately. Some patients absolutely refuse to take the meds at all! Most patients have no understanding as to why their bodies suddenly feel awkward and/or terrible on drugs. Most patients have even less understanding as to why their good (high) moments are suddenly gone with the adminstration of medications. Moreover, most patients scarcely realize that most medications need an adjustment period before the "terrors" of the side effects dissipate [And this can be awhile depending on the person involved]. Sometimes there is a period of drug experiementation to find the correct chemical combination, and patients need to understand that as well. If I had to guess, I would say most patients don't!
I learned all these lessons in "Bipolar Disorder Life Course 101." In other words, I learned the medication realities by trial and error.
After I traveled overseas to Hong Kong, I took up residence so that I could teach art and Bible in the International Christian School. My spirituality was excessive. It had been ascending through the inner recesses of my mind and soul for quite some time. I was not in a state of balance. I was not grounded. I was missionary minded. I wanted to save lives FOR God. My fervor was huge! Many Christians refer to this state as "Being on Fire for God."
The thing is, I still contend that God moved heaven and earth to get me to Hong Kong. I definitely felt "called" to my life, to my passion and to my job during that phase of my life. But the very same "calling" utterly flabbergasted me upon return to the United States. I couldn't understand it. It was beyond mind boggling!
I say I was "called" to Hong Kong because many, many personal "miracles" occurred during the year that preceeded my move overseas. One of the biggest "miracles" is that, during the fall before the move, I threw away all correspondance regarding the school and the job opening. I became terrified at the prospect of the Communist handover. Three people said bing, bing, bing, "Are you sure you want to move to Hong Kong with the Communist handover just around the corner?"
I [the pack rat] tossed away every ounce of communication between me and the school.
The following spring, after many spiritual growth spurts, I received an email from the headmaster of ICS asking me to reconsider the position. I had total peace at that point, so I did just that. I reconsidered and I replied affirmatively.
I asked my friend, Bob who was a type of Christian spiritual guru for me, to write a letter of recommendation. Within four days (regular mail delivery) Bob's glowing recommendation arrived at the school. [Half way around the globe!] And within weeks I was hired and I was on my way paper-wise! A few months later I stepped off the big overseas plane wondering how it all happened.
That plane landed in August 1997. My body-mind went into "flight" by Christmas time.
As a spiritual activist, I was into a very extreme belief system. Every waking moment, I literally tried to place myself into the fundamental concepts of God's Word. Daily I strived to understand and implement the Protestant Bible in every aspect of my life. This was impossible for me. It was overly rigorous. Furthermore, many inconsistencies within "The Faith" became clear to my mind. Each one caused me to question my most basic philosophies. Nothing was black and white any longer. I was on the mission field and life was handing me challenge after challenge. I viewed every "problem" as a crisis of belief.
I struggled emotionally with the various mental and physical strains that were hitting me without fail:
I embraced the powerful feelings I had for a man that was "seemingly" of another faith---and who was my boss. And, yet, I also, embraced the truth that we are all God's children which included my Catholic principal and my seven Catholic students (my sweet children abused over and over by their Protestant peers).
I became vigilent regarding Christian unity. I taught religious open-mindedness to my 10th grade home room class. I engaged the teenage students in worldly thoughts about every kind of Christian denomination that believed in God. I introduced the students to many different spiritual leaders/pastors. Using a Bible study that was very concrete and dynamic, I showed the students what discipleship was all about, and then I sent each student out to find his/her own Way. I understood the importance of a personal relationship with God and I wanted my students to know the importance, also.
In a state of health, there is an adaptive capacity to acquire and allocate a balanced ration of the resources needed for survival. An insufficient amount of any resource results in a deficiency, while an excess of a resource or anything else in the environment may be toxic. In a pathological state there is either a failure or a dysregulation of the capacity to acquire and allocate needed resources and to defend effectively against threats. In some instances there may be an impaired capacity to adequately discriminate between what is harmful or beneficial and/or an impaired capacity to respond with adequate adaptive specificity.
This adaptive failure may be further magnified when a subsequent cascade of events causes further adaptive failure resulting in a disintegrative vicious cycle. In nature, there is a redundancy of checks and balance, which often acts as a safeguard preventing pathological processes. In addition, many weaknesses may be compensated by other stronger capabilities. Although constant change, stress, and distress are frequent events; pathology usually occurs only when there is an interaction of a vulnerability and a life situation that cannot be compensated because there is a sequence of failures of multiple regulatory systems which are often safeguards to disease.
Vulnerabilities to disease may be genetic, developmental and caused by prior trauma.
In most cases, specific life situations combined with specific vulnerabilities lead to disease."
[http://www.mentalhealthandillness.com/pathology.html]
"'Holistic' means body, mind and spirit connections. Traditional mental health services do not consider this view. Historically, they do not consider cure or recovery either. Nevertheless, a holistic view is important as an alternative because it contributes to a person’s healing.
This view blends eastern and western philosophies to help us understand mental illness and mental health. Western philosophy’s belief, based on objective knowledge, is that genetics, biology, and/or environment cause mental illness, and that mental illness is incurable. However, eastern philosophy, based on subjective experience, regards mind, body and spirit connections not as separate but parts of the whole. A holistic view recognizes that healing is possible.
David McMillin, a mental health professional in Virginia Beach, Virginia, has studied this view and applies it in his work. David states, 'Spirit is the life (life force), mind is the builder, and the physical is the result.' He says the individual consists of mind, body and spirit.
Mr. McMillin further states, 'The psyche or soul connects at definite anatomical centers in the physical body. For example, mind connects the physical body through the nervous system. The spiritual connections in the physical body are primarily through the glandular system, particularly the endocrine glands.' Mr. McMillin further explains, 'Another way of thinking about the soul is that it is the individual aspect of spirit. Conversely, spirit is the universal aspect of soul. Soul (psyche) is the part of us that grows and develops. Spirit is the universal creative life force of the soul’s development.'
It is the spiritual force through which we have the ability to work, to affect change, to perform over a period of time and space in a materialistic world. Spirit is the force behind our lives. Spirit is a universal principle of life. Spirit is dynamic energy — the energy we bring to our lives that gives them a spark.
By blending eastern/western philosophies, we understand that illness happens when these holistic connections become disrupted through heredity or genetics, injury or trauma, meditation practices, deep study of religious beliefs or scripture for enlightenment, not using your energy constructively, environment, or the psyche (soul) of one person influencing the psyche (soul) of another. Disorder or illness occurs when the holistic connections are out of balance. Imbalances are responsible for physical and psychological illnesses. In the holistic view, mental illness has its origin when the spiritual and/or physical become imbalanced. However, order is inherent in disorder, making a return to health possible."
[http://touchngo.com/ahs/holistic.htm]
Over the years, it has come to my attention that it is quite difficult to determine what is ME and what is the disease called Bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with the disease in 1992. Initially, my psychiatrist at the time misdiagnosed the illness. I had experienced a long period of severe Depression while I was entering my second semester of my junior year of college. Naturally, the psychiatrist assumed I had Clinical Depression.
He prescribed the new "miracle" drug, Prozac. Several weeks later I was "flying through the clouds." I was exhibiting virtually all of the symptoms of Full-blown Mania. Prozac had spiked me through to the heavens. And I knew it, so I just stopped the medication. I am not sure which thing was worse, to stay on the Prozac or to abruptly stop it without any step down of the med.
That summer was shocking and horrifying. I had no idea that one's world could spin so far out of control so quickly. I thought, "I don't have mental illness." But by the same token, I couldn't reconcile anything that happened to me or around me. One day I was sane and the next day I was not. I was embarassed and I felt like a leper. Actually, I felt damned. [I needed some sort of answer to make things better.]
I'll never forget the brief conversation I had with my step-mom about my condition. There was a guy I met in the local Crisis Stabilization Unit that had the diagnosis Schizophrenia. While I was highly psychotic from my first Mania, I thought the guy was funny and entertaining. After I had been released from the Unit and I was becoming stabilized, I felt the distortion and disparity of emotional connection between us. I tried to deny our relationship and I acted inconvenienced by his diagnosis. My step-mom immediately said, "So! Do you realize you have mental illness?"
Wow! It hit me like a ton of bricks. That summer and fall continued to be extremely hard. I spent time for Mania in the Crisis Stabilization Unit near my college campus. Then I spent additional time for Clinical Depression in a hospital in the town from which I graduated from high school. My body blew up like a balloon. My skin became blemished all over. My hands began to tremor. I knew the whole thing was just some disasterous mistake. I was caught somewhere inside myself. I didn't know who I was. But I wasn't "insanity." I just didn't know what was happening to me. But, I felt like I was Job of the Bible.
I had to take the fall semester off from college so that I could recooperate. My cognitive abilities were temporarily impaired and I needed time to heal. I did basic things to build myself back up. I worked in a retail store. I read. I watched TV and movies. Simple stuff like that.
When I returned to UF, I graduated with honors. But, I increasingedly had such a difficult time knowing what to do with myself. My identity crisis intensified. I was confused and scared. Who was I? Where was I going?
Upon graduation I moved to Virginia. I had been searching for over two years for an explanation for my predicament. Approximately six months after establishing myself in the new state, I got heavily involved in the Charismatic Christian Church (Albeit one with a Presbyterian structure). It was during this phase of my life that I learned how closely connected my pathology and my persona were.
The Charismatic Christian Church believes in the Gifts of the Holy Spirit. So, of course, at some point I, also, believed in them. I loved the rush of the Spirit moving through my congregation during praise and worship. It was powerful and awe inspiring!
1 Corinthians 14
1 Follow after charity, be zealous for spiritual gifts; but rather that you may prophesy. Prophesy... That is, declare or expound the mysteries of faith. 2 For he that speaketh in a tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God: for no man heareth. Yet by the Spirit he speaketh mysteries. Not unto men... Viz., so as to be heard, that is, so as to be understood by them. 3 But he that prophesieth speaketh to men unto edification and exhortation and comfort. 4 He that speaketh in a tongue edifieth himself: but he that prophesieth, edifieth the church. 5 And I would have you all to speak with tongues, but rather to prophesy. For greater is he that prophesieth than he that speaketh with tongues: unless perhaps he interpret, that the church may receive edification. 6 But now, brethren, if I come to you speaking with tongues, what shall I profit you, unless I speak to you either in revelation or in knowledge or in prophecy or in doctrine? 7 Even things without life that give sound, whether pipe or harp, except they give a distinction of sounds, how shall it be known what is piped or harped? 8 For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle? 9 So likewise you, except you utter by the tongue plain speech, how shall it be known what is said? For you shall be speaking into the air. 10 There are, for example, so many kinds of tongues in this world: and none is without voice. 11 If then I know not the power of the voice, I shall be to him to whom I speak a barbarian: and he that speaketh a barbarian to me. 12 So you also, forasmuch as you are zealous of spirits, seek to abound unto the edifying of the church. Of spirits... Of spiritual gifts. 13 And therefore he that speaketh by a tongue, let him pray that he may interpret. 14 For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prayeth: but my understanding is without fruit. 15 What is it then? I will pray with the spirit, I will pray also with the understanding, I will sing with the spirit, I will sing also with the understanding. 16 Else, if thou shalt bless with the spirit, how shall he that holdeth the place of the unlearned say, Amen, to thy blessing? Because he knoweth not what thou sayest. Amen... The unlearned, not knowing that you are then blessing, will not be qualified to join with you by saying Amen to your blessing. The use or abuse of strange tongues, of which the apostle here speaks, does not regard the public liturgy of the church, (in which strange tongues were never used), but certain conferences of the faithful (1 Corinthians 14:26, etc.), in which, meeting together, they discovered to one another their various miraculous gifts of the Spirit, common in those primitive times; amongst which the apostle prefers that of prophesying before that of speaking strange tongues, because it was more to the public edification. Where also not, that the Latin, used in our liturgy, is so far from being a strange or unknown tongue, that it is perhaps the best known tongue in the world. 17 For thou indeed givest thanks well: but the other is not edified. 18 I thank my God I speak with all your tongues. 19 But in the church I had rather speak five words with my understanding, that I may instruct others also: than ten thousand words in a tongue. 20 Brethren, do not become children in sense. But in malice be children: and in sense be perfect. 21 In the law it is written: In other tongues and other lips I will speak to this people: and neither so will they hear me, saith the Lord. 22 Wherefore tongues are for a sign, not to believers but to unbelievers: but prophecies, not to unbelievers but to believers. 23 If therefore the whole church come together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there come in unlearned persons or infidels, will they not say that you are mad? 24 But if all prophesy, and there come in one that believeth not or an unlearned person, he is convinced of all: he is judged of all. 25 The secrets of his heart are made manifest. And so, falling down on his face, he will adore God, affirming that God is among you indeed.
26 How is it then, brethren? When you come together, every one of you hath a psalm, hath a doctrine, hath a revelation, hath a tongue, hath an interpretation: let all things be done to edification. 27 If any speak with a tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and in course: and let one interpret. 28 But if there be no interpreter, let him hold his peace in the church and speak to himself and to God. 29 And let the prophets speak, two or three: and let the rest judge. 30 But if any thing be revealed to another sitting, let the first hold his peace. 31 For you may all prophesy, one by one, that all may learn and all may be exhorted. 32 And the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets. 33 For God is not the God of dissension, but of peace: as also I teach in all the churches of the saints. 34 Let women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted them to speak but to be subject, as also the law saith. 35 But if they would learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is a shame for a woman to speak in the church. 36 Or did the word of God come out from you? Or came it only unto you? 37 If any seem to be a prophet or spiritual, let him know the things that I write to you, that they are the commandments of the Lord. 38 But if any man know not, he shall not be known. 39 Wherefore, brethren, be zealous to prophesy: and forbid not to speak with tongues. 40 But let all things be done decently and according to order.
[http://www.newadvent.org/bible/1co014.htm]
The Church (filled with the Spirit) became my homestead for five years. Right or wrong it provided me with answers for my problems, and I desperately needed some kind of something! Where my parents were no longer, God [the Church] WAS.
My illness was sort of "in check." But my sense for heightened mysticism was being cultivated by my regular involvement with the Church. And at the time, I did not understand how my lithium worked at all. I just knew about the threat of going without lithium. [My last Floridian doctor told me never to stop taking the med. If I did I would end up even sicker.] In conjunction, I didn't understand my sickness was constantly cycling regardless of how much medication I took to manage it. I thought if I took my meds as prescribed I was cured.
I was, also, an area sales manager for a department store during that time period of my life. My retail work schedule did not allow for a consistent prescription drug regime. My shift work was always changing which kept me up late at night and then demanded that I get up early the next morning. In the end, the fluctuating schedules completely disrupted my circadian rhythms. I didn't know it, but my mind entered into a rhythm that was much higher than the average person. My thoughts would race to and fro. There was little calm. [But I FELT calm because I felt "God."]
As far as I am concerned, the ignorance on my part of how to keep myself as mentally stable as possible by using pharmacological management is a point of gross neglience concerning the medical community.
It has been my experience that most mentally ill patients receive little to no education about their diseases. As a result many patients fail to take their meds appropriately. Some patients absolutely refuse to take the meds at all! Most patients have no understanding as to why their bodies suddenly feel awkward and/or terrible on drugs. Most patients have even less understanding as to why their good (high) moments are suddenly gone with the adminstration of medications. Moreover, most patients scarcely realize that most medications need an adjustment period before the "terrors" of the side effects dissipate [And this can be awhile depending on the person involved]. Sometimes there is a period of drug experiementation to find the correct chemical combination, and patients need to understand that as well. If I had to guess, I would say most patients don't!
I learned all these lessons in "Bipolar Disorder Life Course 101." In other words, I learned the medication realities by trial and error.
After I traveled overseas to Hong Kong, I took up residence so that I could teach art and Bible in the International Christian School. My spirituality was excessive. It had been ascending through the inner recesses of my mind and soul for quite some time. I was not in a state of balance. I was not grounded. I was missionary minded. I wanted to save lives FOR God. My fervor was huge! Many Christians refer to this state as "Being on Fire for God."
The thing is, I still contend that God moved heaven and earth to get me to Hong Kong. I definitely felt "called" to my life, to my passion and to my job during that phase of my life. But the very same "calling" utterly flabbergasted me upon return to the United States. I couldn't understand it. It was beyond mind boggling!
I say I was "called" to Hong Kong because many, many personal "miracles" occurred during the year that preceeded my move overseas. One of the biggest "miracles" is that, during the fall before the move, I threw away all correspondance regarding the school and the job opening. I became terrified at the prospect of the Communist handover. Three people said bing, bing, bing, "Are you sure you want to move to Hong Kong with the Communist handover just around the corner?"
I [the pack rat] tossed away every ounce of communication between me and the school.
The following spring, after many spiritual growth spurts, I received an email from the headmaster of ICS asking me to reconsider the position. I had total peace at that point, so I did just that. I reconsidered and I replied affirmatively.
I asked my friend, Bob who was a type of Christian spiritual guru for me, to write a letter of recommendation. Within four days (regular mail delivery) Bob's glowing recommendation arrived at the school. [Half way around the globe!] And within weeks I was hired and I was on my way paper-wise! A few months later I stepped off the big overseas plane wondering how it all happened.
That plane landed in August 1997. My body-mind went into "flight" by Christmas time.
As a spiritual activist, I was into a very extreme belief system. Every waking moment, I literally tried to place myself into the fundamental concepts of God's Word. Daily I strived to understand and implement the Protestant Bible in every aspect of my life. This was impossible for me. It was overly rigorous. Furthermore, many inconsistencies within "The Faith" became clear to my mind. Each one caused me to question my most basic philosophies. Nothing was black and white any longer. I was on the mission field and life was handing me challenge after challenge. I viewed every "problem" as a crisis of belief.
I struggled emotionally with the various mental and physical strains that were hitting me without fail:
I embraced the powerful feelings I had for a man that was "seemingly" of another faith---and who was my boss. And, yet, I also, embraced the truth that we are all God's children which included my Catholic principal and my seven Catholic students (my sweet children abused over and over by their Protestant peers).
I became vigilent regarding Christian unity. I taught religious open-mindedness to my 10th grade home room class. I engaged the teenage students in worldly thoughts about every kind of Christian denomination that believed in God. I introduced the students to many different spiritual leaders/pastors. Using a Bible study that was very concrete and dynamic, I showed the students what discipleship was all about, and then I sent each student out to find his/her own Way. I understood the importance of a personal relationship with God and I wanted my students to know the importance, also.
I had a junior high school boy named Jonathan who impacted my faith quite strongly. Johnathan was quite the outcast among his peers. He would come into my art room nearly every day during his lunch hour. He would expound about this or that. His need for company was quite grand. So, I would try to be that for him.
Every day I would try to listen well as I prepared my lessons for the afternoon's classes. Jonathan would often address his beliefs about Catholicism. I have to say that that young man gave me a lot of food for thought. I knew relatively nothing about Catholicism. But I certainly did not see it as overly different from Protestanism. Yet...I fought against the Catholic doctrine because Protestant doctrine is what I was supposed to be teaching my 10th graders. It was a mental and spiritual conundrum! I didn't know what to think or do.
When the winter holidays rolled around, and my meds got botched, I began the body-mind ascension into Mania. For months my body size had been physically shrinking. [I got to a glorious size 12!!!] I attributed the weight loss to where I lived (half way up a mountain---at least 150 steps up or down to get to Karen and I's flat); and I, also, attributed it to the rough digestive problems I was experiencing from the new Chinese diet (not to mention bacteria).
Plus, for months my emotions were running on "elated." I was thrilled to be in Hong Kong. I was thrilled to have a cool roommate. I was thrilled to be teaching at ICS. I was thrilled with my students. I was thrilled with many of the parents and families I encountered. I was thrilled to be working for a fabulous principal. I was thrilled to be surrounded by a staff dedicated to Christ. I was thrilled to meet friends from all over the world. I was just plain thrilled. Constantly!
And the lower dosage of lithium [the new Hong Kong dose] allowed me to remain sooooooooo high. So good.
But there were also many hard lessons to learn, and those lessons mixed with the lessons of ecstasy made for a very extreme emotional "roller coaster ride." My body was not prepared for Hong Kong. It immediately gave way to all the pronounced emotional lessons. One major lesson was the excruciating loneliness that I felt when I first arrived in the country. [My colleagues and I often did stuff together; but, the shear "space of the move" was still immensely difficult. Everything in my world was new and different. Very little was like America. Three months into my residence, I, finally, coordinated with a number of new friends. Those friends helped to even things out quite a bit. Thank goodness! But the body damage was already done.] Most of the new faculty members suffered from some sort of similar emotional imbalance; but, their bodies were not fragile with Bipolar disorder.
I eventually began getting very irritable; and, then I got very giddy.
By the end of January, I experienced full-blown Mania. [I mistakenly missed one dose of the lithium over the Christmas holidays. That missed dose combined with the already new low dosage was just enough to push me into a heightened state of Hypomania.] {{I had a new dosage because my Hong Kong doctor knew nothing about the disease or the medication. I didn't either. All I knew was that the doctor gave me a choice to go up 50 mg or go down 50 mg. The US-Hong Kong drug translation was less than perfect. I chose 50 mg down because I knew what lithium toxicity was all about and I didn't want that.}}
It is kind of strange to be hospitalized in an all-Chinese hospital when you are English speaking. This is especially so in a psych ward where you are trying to "find and then fight" for your mind. The thing is, my condition is quite easy to diagnose in the throws of Mania or in the downward plunges of Depression. But my illness is not quite so simple to diagnose when the states are a little more midline. And my illness is not easy to treat when their is no correct cultural definition for my actions/behavior.
What is acceptable in Hong Kong is very different from what is acceptable in the United States. In my case, there was so much confusion between all the parties involved. And there were a lot of parties involved: My "English as a second language" psychiatrists, nurses and therapists; my non-altruistic headmaster, my roommate, my friends and colleagues, my family, etc.
Furthermore, It was just an interesting experience being overseas during a Manic episode. I have so many crazy (literally and figuratively) memories. For instance, I was in Macau for Chinese New Year. There were parades and colloquial events to celebrate the festival. Imagine how a Manic mind perceives such events. Everything was in neon color. Everything distorted and reshaped itself as my mind sped up and cycled again and again.
There was a boat my friends and I road on that airlifted itself to speed the trip between Hong Kong and Macau. That boat seemed so magical. The trip seemed instantneous.
And, there was my mystical vision in the hotel the night my friends realized something was wrong with me. I saw bright colors. I experienced a form of what I now term clairaudience. In other words, I inferred words and sounds from all the background noise that was around me. They were words that no one else could hear or perceive, but they were completely audible to me.
There was a lot, actually. More than I can currently relay in the scope of this blog. Not to mention, it has taken me many years to discern what was me and what was my pathology during my Overseas psychosis. Truly there is a very fine line.
There are a list of symptoms that define the diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. See them listed below.
Common signs and symptoms of mania include:
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)
Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:
Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Sleeping too much or too little
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide
[http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm]
What I have come to recognize, however, is that the "symptoms" list seems to rule out the fluidity of our individual personalities. Moreover, the list ignores the gifts we each have.
Having invested quite a bit of my energy and study in the holistic and alternative modalities, I am now cognizant that traditional medicine is guilty of "black and white" diagnosis. That form of diagnosis really messed with me for years. Let me explain. Hypergraphia
[Hypergraphia: The driving compulsion to write; the overwhelming urge to write. Hypergraphia may compel someone to keep a voluminous journal, to jot off frequent letters to the editor, to write on toilet paper if nothing else is available, and perhaps even to compile a dictionary. Hypergraphia is the opposite of writer's block.
Temporal lobe epilepsy is associated with hypergraphia. This association has been known at least as early as 1974 (Waxman SG, Geschwind N. Hypergraphia in temporal lobe epilepsy. Neurology. 1974;24:629-36). A number of prolific writer may have had temporal lobe epilepsy, including Byron, Dante, Dostoevsky, Molière, Petrarch, Poe, and Tennyson. Hypergraphia has also been called the midnight disease. http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=26483]
is a typical symptom of Manic behavior. Writing is one of my favorite pastimes. For a very long time, I felt like I couldn't write prolifically without being classified as insane. So, I didn't write. [That was devastating to me.] Eventually, I figured out what my "sick" writing looks like and what my my "healthy" writing looks like. Generally, in mania, my hypergraphia represents itself as disjointed thought. This can be confusing to the unexperienced reader. My creative flow can be quite broad and abstract. Some individuals can mistake my flow for "unhealthy" hypergraphia.
Furthermore, over the years, feeling good and strong about myself made me nervous because I thought I would be seen as grandiose [and therefore hospitalizable]. I am "larger than life" most of the time. Anyone who really knows me can tell you that. But I have learned that I can contain the "grandiosity" factor when I am healthy. People have often misdiagnosed me as ill (using the "grandiosity" assessment) because they fail to determine whether I can higher and lower my mood elevation. If I can adjust the level of my mood easily, then I am not ill. But, people often have to ask me to adjustment my mood; because, I don't always realize my emotional level is being perceived as scary/out of control. I have spent many years "shrinking down" emotionally so that other people feel comfortable and safe. Again, that is very damaging to my self-esteem.
For example, the term Hypomania, which would be categorized in a non-Mentally ill person as enthusiasm, high performance, high energy, etc., is a classifying symptom of pathology in someone with Bipolar disorder. So, if I have pressured speech, I can be seen as symptomatic. But have you ever witnessed someone who is excited or passionate? His/her speech is pressured as well.
It is important for me to be able to be myself 100% of the time---even if that means I belong in a circus or I should hang out with the Hollywood flamboyants! [I like the Hollywood idea!!!] "Black and white" symptoms do not provide enough wiggle room for your average person that exhibits the disease Bipolar disorder. Bipolars are special people. We need to feel accepted whether we are feeling high, low, or right inbetween. Good traditional medicine can enable Bipolar people to retain more "say" in their lives. Medications do not cure the illness as I once thought. Medications merely shift the parameters for Bipolar people's emotional range. I will probably always be "larger than life." I will often feel very high highs and I will feel very low lows. It is my current lot.
It took me considerable effort to understand the difference between "Joan that is healthy" and "Joan that is ill." And I had to make that effort because until I did, I could not hold my boundries with others. I used to frequently give control over to my family and friends because I didn't know how to interpret my own emotional and physical states. I thought everyone knew better than me---could sense more accurately than me. I feared a lot. And for the longest time I felt my destiny was to be a crazy person living out of a paste board box while spending my days directing traffic in my head.
I give a tremendous amount of "healing" credit to my therapist, Susan, who worked with me diligently to help me know my authentic self. I, also, give a tremendous amount of "healing" credit to my ex-boyfriend, Chris. He taught me about energetic and metaphysical concepts. He taught me how to be me. How to not be ashamed. I will always love him for that.
It is my desire to know balance. The edge is a very interesting place---whether Manic or Depressed---but I don't like being subject to that wind. I like to know my mind. I like to feel my emotions on a sea of stillness. I prefer to surf my life with great agility and adeptness. My medications are a start to that sense of placidness. But, I believe (I know deep within) that there is a better world waiting for all of us who have been deemed Mentally ill.
Holistic modalities encourage me. I AM One with all that IS, and that is what it means to be whole. My heart opens to all the realities that have yet to be called forth in the earth plane. I am a visionary in everything I do and say. [This overwhelms many!] But, I must, until the day all those realities take fruition, take one step at a time---one foot in front of the other. If I move too fast. If I skip too many beats, I will become ill and falter in my plan. And I don't want to falter in my plan. It is important to my soul that everyone I meet will somehow feel a part of who I AM, and I will feel a part of who they ARE. Though my heart knows this instinctively and without doubt, I want my head to know it as well. It is my deepest wish. It is what I live for in the here and now.
My persona and my pathology are not far from one another. They merge in and out, in and out with every breath I take. Bipolar disorder is not so much an illness as it is a dance. Perfection comes when I know myself, and knowing myself is a lifetime path of wonder and awakening defeat. All of us are unique and special. Bipolars just tend to be on the edges of everything. Bipolars without question are exceptional beings that know the moon and the sun.
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