Thursday, May 15, 2008

Pathology versus Persona

"Pathology is the study of disease. It is sometimes very difficult to clarify the precise boundary between a state of health and a state of disease.

In a state of health, there is an adaptive capacity to acquire and allocate a balanced ration of the resources needed for survival. An insufficient amount of any resource results in a deficiency, while an excess of a resource or anything else in the environment may be toxic. In a pathological state there is either a failure or a dysregulation of the capacity to acquire and allocate needed resources and to defend effectively against threats. In some instances there may be an impaired capacity to adequately discriminate between what is harmful or beneficial and/or an impaired capacity to respond with adequate adaptive specificity.

This adaptive failure may be further magnified when a subsequent cascade of events causes further adaptive failure resulting in a disintegrative vicious cycle. In nature, there is a redundancy of checks and balance, which often acts as a safeguard preventing pathological processes. In addition, many weaknesses may be compensated by other stronger capabilities. Although constant change, stress, and distress are frequent events; pathology usually occurs only when there is an interaction of a vulnerability and a life situation that cannot be compensated because there is a sequence of failures of multiple regulatory systems which are often safeguards to disease.

Vulnerabilities to disease may be genetic, developmental and caused by prior trauma.

In most cases, specific life situations combined with specific vulnerabilities lead to disease."

"'Holistic' means body, mind and spirit connections. Traditional mental health services do not consider this view. Historically, they do not consider cure or recovery either. Nevertheless, a holistic view is important as an alternative because it contributes to a person’s healing.

This view blends eastern and western philosophies to help us understand mental illness and mental health. Western philosophy’s belief, based on objective knowledge, is that genetics, biology, and/or environment cause mental illness, and that mental illness is incurable. However, eastern philosophy, based on subjective experience, regards mind, body and spirit connections not as separate but parts of the whole. A holistic view recognizes that healing is possible.

David McMillin, a mental health professional in Virginia Beach, Virginia, has studied this view and applies it in his work. David states, 'Spirit is the life (life force), mind is the builder, and the physical is the result.' He says the individual consists of mind, body and spirit.

Mr. McMillin further states, 'The psyche or soul connects at definite anatomical centers in the physical body. For example, mind connects the physical body through the nervous system. The spiritual connections in the physical body are primarily through the glandular system, particularly the endocrine glands.' Mr. McMillin further explains, 'Another way of thinking about the soul is that it is the individual aspect of spirit. Conversely, spirit is the universal aspect of soul. Soul (psyche) is the part of us that grows and develops. Spirit is the universal creative life force of the soul’s development.'

It is the spiritual force through which we have the ability to work, to affect change, to perform over a period of time and space in a materialistic world. Spirit is the force behind our lives. Spirit is a universal principle of life. Spirit is dynamic energy — the energy we bring to our lives that gives them a spark.

By blending eastern/western philosophies, we understand that illness happens when these holistic connections become disrupted through heredity or genetics, injury or trauma, meditation practices, deep study of religious beliefs or scripture for enlightenment, not using your energy constructively, environment, or the psyche (soul) of one person influencing the psyche (soul) of another. Disorder or illness occurs when the holistic connections are out of balance. Imbalances are responsible for physical and psychological illnesses. In the holistic view, mental illness has its origin when the spiritual and/or physical become imbalanced. However, order is inherent in disorder, making a return to health possible."

Over the years, it has come to my attention that it is quite difficult to determine what is ME and what is the disease called Bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with the disease in 1992. Initially, my psychiatrist at the time misdiagnosed the illness. I had experienced a long period of severe Depression while I was entering my second semester of my junior year of college. Naturally, the psychiatrist assumed I had Clinical Depression.

He prescribed the new "miracle" drug, Prozac. Several weeks later I was "flying through the clouds." I was exhibiting virtually all of the symptoms of Full-blown Mania. Prozac had spiked me through to the heavens. And I knew it, so I just stopped the medication. I am not sure which thing was worse, to stay on the Prozac or to abruptly stop it without any step down of the med.

That summer was shocking and horrifying. I had no idea that one's world could spin so far out of control so quickly. I thought, "I don't have mental illness." But by the same token, I couldn't reconcile anything that happened to me or around me. One day I was sane and the next day I was not. I was embarassed and I felt like a leper. Actually, I felt damned. [I needed some sort of answer to make things better.]

I'll never forget the brief conversation I had with my step-mom about my condition. There was a guy I met in the local Crisis Stabilization Unit that had the diagnosis Schizophrenia. While I was highly psychotic from my first Mania, I thought the guy was funny and entertaining. After I had been released from the Unit and I was becoming stabilized, I felt the distortion and disparity of emotional connection between us. I tried to deny our relationship and I acted inconvenienced by his diagnosis. My step-mom immediately said, "So! Do you realize you have mental illness?"

Wow! It hit me like a ton of bricks. That summer and fall continued to be extremely hard. I spent time for Mania in the Crisis Stabilization Unit near my college campus. Then I spent additional time for Clinical Depression in a hospital in the town from which I graduated from high school. My body blew up like a balloon. My skin became blemished all over. My hands began to tremor. I knew the whole thing was just some disasterous mistake. I was caught somewhere inside myself. I didn't know who I was. But I wasn't "insanity." I just didn't know what was happening to me. But, I felt like I was Job of the Bible.

I had to take the fall semester off from college so that I could recooperate. My cognitive abilities were temporarily impaired and I needed time to heal. I did basic things to build myself back up. I worked in a retail store. I read. I watched TV and movies. Simple stuff like that.

When I returned to UF, I graduated with honors. But, I increasingedly had such a difficult time knowing what to do with myself. My identity crisis intensified. I was confused and scared. Who was I? Where was I going?

Upon graduation I moved to Virginia. I had been searching for over two years for an explanation for my predicament. Approximately six months after establishing myself in the new state, I got heavily involved in the Charismatic Christian Church (Albeit one with a Presbyterian structure). It was during this phase of my life that I learned how closely connected my pathology and my persona were.

The Charismatic Christian Church believes in the Gifts of the Holy Spirit. So, of course, at some point I, also, believed in them. I loved the rush of the Spirit moving through my congregation during praise and worship. It was powerful and awe inspiring!

1 Corinthians 14

1 Follow after charity, be zealous for spiritual gifts; but rather that you may prophesy. Prophesy... That is, declare or expound the mysteries of faith. 2 For he that speaketh in a tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God: for no man heareth. Yet by the Spirit he speaketh mysteries. Not unto men... Viz., so as to be heard, that is, so as to be understood by them. 3 But he that prophesieth speaketh to men unto edification and exhortation and comfort. 4 He that speaketh in a tongue edifieth himself: but he that prophesieth, edifieth the church. 5 And I would have you all to speak with tongues, but rather to prophesy. For greater is he that prophesieth than he that speaketh with tongues: unless perhaps he interpret, that the church may receive edification. 6 But now, brethren, if I come to you speaking with tongues, what shall I profit you, unless I speak to you either in revelation or in knowledge or in prophecy or in doctrine? 7 Even things without life that give sound, whether pipe or harp, except they give a distinction of sounds, how shall it be known what is piped or harped? 8 For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle? 9 So likewise you, except you utter by the tongue plain speech, how shall it be known what is said? For you shall be speaking into the air. 10 There are, for example, so many kinds of tongues in this world: and none is without voice. 11 If then I know not the power of the voice, I shall be to him to whom I speak a barbarian: and he that speaketh a barbarian to me. 12 So you also, forasmuch as you are zealous of spirits, seek to abound unto the edifying of the church. Of spirits... Of spiritual gifts. 13 And therefore he that speaketh by a tongue, let him pray that he may interpret. 14 For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prayeth: but my understanding is without fruit. 15 What is it then? I will pray with the spirit, I will pray also with the understanding, I will sing with the spirit, I will sing also with the understanding. 16 Else, if thou shalt bless with the spirit, how shall he that holdeth the place of the unlearned say, Amen, to thy blessing? Because he knoweth not what thou sayest. Amen... The unlearned, not knowing that you are then blessing, will not be qualified to join with you by saying Amen to your blessing. The use or abuse of strange tongues, of which the apostle here speaks, does not regard the public liturgy of the church, (in which strange tongues were never used), but certain conferences of the faithful (1 Corinthians 14:26, etc.), in which, meeting together, they discovered to one another their various miraculous gifts of the Spirit, common in those primitive times; amongst which the apostle prefers that of prophesying before that of speaking strange tongues, because it was more to the public edification. Where also not, that the Latin, used in our liturgy, is so far from being a strange or unknown tongue, that it is perhaps the best known tongue in the world. 17 For thou indeed givest thanks well: but the other is not edified. 18 I thank my God I speak with all your tongues. 19 But in the church I had rather speak five words with my understanding, that I may instruct others also: than ten thousand words in a tongue. 20 Brethren, do not become children in sense. But in malice be children: and in sense be perfect. 21 In the law it is written: In other tongues and other lips I will speak to this people: and neither so will they hear me, saith the Lord. 22 Wherefore tongues are for a sign, not to believers but to unbelievers: but prophecies, not to unbelievers but to believers. 23 If therefore the whole church come together into one place, and all speak with tongues, and there come in unlearned persons or infidels, will they not say that you are mad? 24 But if all prophesy, and there come in one that believeth not or an unlearned person, he is convinced of all: he is judged of all. 25 The secrets of his heart are made manifest. And so, falling down on his face, he will adore God, affirming that God is among you indeed.
26 How is it then, brethren? When you come together, every one of you hath a
psalm, hath a doctrine, hath a revelation, hath a tongue, hath an interpretation: let all things be done to edification. 27 If any speak with a tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and in course: and let one interpret. 28 But if there be no interpreter, let him hold his peace in the church and speak to himself and to God. 29 And let the prophets speak, two or three: and let the rest judge. 30 But if any thing be revealed to another sitting, let the first hold his peace. 31 For you may all prophesy, one by one, that all may learn and all may be exhorted. 32 And the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets. 33 For God is not the God of dissension, but of peace: as also I teach in all the churches of the saints. 34 Let women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted them to speak but to be subject, as also the law saith. 35 But if they would learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is a shame for a woman to speak in the church. 36 Or did the word of God come out from you? Or came it only unto you? 37 If any seem to be a prophet or spiritual, let him know the things that I write to you, that they are the commandments of the Lord. 38 But if any man know not, he shall not be known. 39 Wherefore, brethren, be zealous to prophesy: and forbid not to speak with tongues. 40 But let all things be done decently and according to order.


The Church (filled with the Spirit) became my homestead for five years. Right or wrong it provided me with answers for my problems, and I desperately needed some kind of something! Where my parents were no longer, God [the Church] WAS.

My illness was sort of "in check." But my sense for heightened mysticism was being cultivated by my regular involvement with the Church. And at the time, I did not understand how my lithium worked at all. I just knew about the threat of going without lithium. [My last Floridian doctor told me never to stop taking the med. If I did I would end up even sicker.] In conjunction, I didn't understand my sickness was constantly cycling regardless of how much medication I took to manage it. I thought if I took my meds as prescribed I was cured.

I was, also, an area sales manager for a department store during that time period of my life. My retail work schedule did not allow for a consistent prescription drug regime. My shift work was always changing which kept me up late at night and then demanded that I get up early the next morning. In the end, the fluctuating schedules completely disrupted my circadian rhythms. I didn't know it, but my mind entered into a rhythm that was much higher than the average person. My thoughts would race to and fro. There was little calm. [But I FELT calm because I felt "God."]

As far as I am concerned, the ignorance on my part of how to keep myself as mentally stable as possible by using pharmacological management is a point of gross neglience concerning the medical community.

It has been my experience that most mentally ill patients receive little to no education about their diseases. As a result many patients fail to take their meds appropriately. Some patients absolutely refuse to take the meds at all! Most patients have no understanding as to why their bodies suddenly feel awkward and/or terrible on drugs. Most patients have even less understanding as to why their good (high) moments are suddenly gone with the adminstration of medications. Moreover, most patients scarcely realize that most medications need an adjustment period before the "terrors" of the side effects dissipate [And this can be awhile depending on the person involved]. Sometimes there is a period of drug experiementation to find the correct chemical combination, and patients need to understand that as well. If I had to guess, I would say most patients don't!

I learned all these lessons in "Bipolar Disorder Life Course 101." In other words, I learned the medication realities by trial and error.

After I traveled overseas to Hong Kong, I took up residence so that I could teach art and Bible in the International Christian School. My spirituality was excessive. It had been ascending through the inner recesses of my mind and soul for quite some time. I was not in a state of balance. I was not grounded. I was missionary minded. I wanted to save lives FOR God. My fervor was huge! Many Christians refer to this state as "Being on Fire for God."

The thing is, I still contend that God moved heaven and earth to get me to Hong Kong. I definitely felt "called" to my life, to my passion and to my job during that phase of my life. But the very same "calling" utterly flabbergasted me upon return to the United States. I couldn't understand it. It was beyond mind boggling!

I say I was "called" to Hong Kong because many, many personal "miracles" occurred during the year that preceeded my move overseas. One of the biggest "miracles" is that, during the fall before the move, I threw away all correspondance regarding the school and the job opening. I became terrified at the prospect of the Communist handover. Three people said bing, bing, bing, "Are you sure you want to move to Hong Kong with the Communist handover just around the corner?"

I [the pack rat] tossed away every ounce of communication between me and the school.

The following spring, after many spiritual growth spurts, I received an email from the headmaster of ICS asking me to reconsider the position. I had total peace at that point, so I did just that. I reconsidered and I replied affirmatively.

I asked my friend, Bob who was a type of Christian spiritual guru for me, to write a letter of recommendation. Within four days (regular mail delivery) Bob's glowing recommendation arrived at the school. [Half way around the globe!] And within weeks I was hired and I was on my way paper-wise! A few months later I stepped off the big overseas plane wondering how it all happened.

That plane landed in August 1997. My body-mind went into "flight" by Christmas time.

As a spiritual activist, I was into a very extreme belief system. Every waking moment, I literally tried to place myself into the fundamental concepts of God's Word. Daily I strived to understand and implement the Protestant Bible in every aspect of my life. This was impossible for me. It was overly rigorous. Furthermore, many inconsistencies within "The Faith" became clear to my mind. Each one caused me to question my most basic philosophies. Nothing was black and white any longer. I was on the mission field and life was handing me challenge after challenge. I viewed every "problem" as a crisis of belief.

I struggled emotionally with the various mental and physical strains that were hitting me without fail:

I embraced the powerful feelings I had for a man that was "seemingly" of another faith---and who was my boss. And, yet, I also, embraced the truth that we are all God's children which included my Catholic principal and my seven Catholic students (my sweet children abused over and over by their Protestant peers).

I became vigilent regarding Christian unity. I taught religious open-mindedness to my 10th grade home room class. I engaged the teenage students in worldly thoughts about every kind of Christian denomination that believed in God. I introduced the students to many different spiritual leaders/pastors. Using a Bible study that was very concrete and dynamic, I showed the students what discipleship was all about, and then I sent each student out to find his/her own Way. I understood the importance of a personal relationship with God and I wanted my students to know the importance, also.

I had a junior high school boy named Jonathan who impacted my faith quite strongly. Johnathan was quite the outcast among his peers. He would come into my art room nearly every day during his lunch hour. He would expound about this or that. His need for company was quite grand. So, I would try to be that for him.

Every day I would try to listen well as I prepared my lessons for the afternoon's classes. Jonathan would often address his beliefs about Catholicism. I have to say that that young man gave me a lot of food for thought. I knew relatively nothing about Catholicism. But I certainly did not see it as overly different from Protestanism. Yet...I fought against the Catholic doctrine because Protestant doctrine is what I was supposed to be teaching my 10th graders. It was a mental and spiritual conundrum! I didn't know what to think or do.

When the winter holidays rolled around, and my meds got botched, I began the body-mind ascension into Mania. For months my body size had been physically shrinking. [I got to a glorious size 12!!!] I attributed the weight loss to where I lived (half way up a mountain---at least 150 steps up or down to get to Karen and I's flat); and I, also, attributed it to the rough digestive problems I was experiencing from the new Chinese diet (not to mention bacteria).

Plus, for months my emotions were running on "elated." I was thrilled to be in Hong Kong. I was thrilled to have a cool roommate. I was thrilled to be teaching at ICS. I was thrilled with my students. I was thrilled with many of the parents and families I encountered. I was thrilled to be working for a fabulous principal. I was thrilled to be surrounded by a staff dedicated to Christ. I was thrilled to meet friends from all over the world. I was just plain thrilled. Constantly!

And the lower dosage of lithium [the new Hong Kong dose] allowed me to remain sooooooooo high. So good.

But there were also many hard lessons to learn, and those lessons mixed with the lessons of ecstasy made for a very extreme emotional "roller coaster ride." My body was not prepared for Hong Kong. It immediately gave way to all the pronounced emotional lessons. One major lesson was the excruciating loneliness that I felt when I first arrived in the country. [My colleagues and I often did stuff together; but, the shear "space of the move" was still immensely difficult. Everything in my world was new and different. Very little was like America. Three months into my residence, I, finally, coordinated with a number of new friends. Those friends helped to even things out quite a bit. Thank goodness! But the body damage was already done.] Most of the new faculty members suffered from some sort of similar emotional imbalance; but, their bodies were not fragile with Bipolar disorder.

I eventually began getting very irritable; and, then I got very giddy.

By the end of January, I experienced full-blown Mania. [I mistakenly missed one dose of the lithium over the Christmas holidays. That missed dose combined with the already new low dosage was just enough to push me into a heightened state of Hypomania.] {{I had a new dosage because my Hong Kong doctor knew nothing about the disease or the medication. I didn't either. All I knew was that the doctor gave me a choice to go up 50 mg or go down 50 mg. The US-Hong Kong drug translation was less than perfect. I chose 50 mg down because I knew what lithium toxicity was all about and I didn't want that.}}

It is kind of strange to be hospitalized in an all-Chinese hospital when you are English speaking. This is especially so in a psych ward where you are trying to "find and then fight" for your mind. The thing is, my condition is quite easy to diagnose in the throws of Mania or in the downward plunges of Depression. But my illness is not quite so simple to diagnose when the states are a little more midline. And my illness is not easy to treat when their is no correct cultural definition for my actions/behavior.

What is acceptable in Hong Kong is very different from what is acceptable in the United States. In my case, there was so much confusion between all the parties involved. And there were a lot of parties involved: My "English as a second language" psychiatrists, nurses and therapists; my non-altruistic headmaster, my roommate, my friends and colleagues, my family, etc.

Furthermore, It was just an interesting experience being overseas during a Manic episode. I have so many crazy (literally and figuratively) memories. For instance, I was in Macau for Chinese New Year. There were parades and colloquial events to celebrate the festival. Imagine how a Manic mind perceives such events. Everything was in neon color. Everything distorted and reshaped itself as my mind sped up and cycled again and again.

There was a boat my friends and I road on that airlifted itself to speed the trip between Hong Kong and Macau. That boat seemed so magical. The trip seemed instantneous.

And, there was my mystical vision in the hotel the night my friends realized something was wrong with me. I saw bright colors. I experienced a form of what I now term clairaudience. In other words, I inferred words and sounds from all the background noise that was around me. They were words that no one else could hear or perceive, but they were completely audible to me.

There was a lot, actually. More than I can currently relay in the scope of this blog. Not to mention, it has taken me many years to discern what was me and what was my pathology during my Overseas psychosis. Truly there is a very fine line.

There are a list of symptoms that define the diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. See them listed below.

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:
Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Sleeping too much or too little
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide


What I have come to recognize, however, is that the "symptoms" list seems to rule out the fluidity of our individual personalities. Moreover, the list ignores the gifts we each have.

Having invested quite a bit of my energy and study in the holistic and alternative modalities, I am now cognizant that traditional medicine is guilty of "black and white" diagnosis. That form of diagnosis really messed with me for years. Let me explain. Hypergraphia

[Hypergraphia: The driving compulsion to write; the overwhelming urge to write. Hypergraphia may compel someone to keep a voluminous journal, to jot off frequent letters to the editor, to write on toilet paper if nothing else is available, and perhaps even to compile a dictionary. Hypergraphia is the opposite of writer's block.
Temporal lobe
epilepsy is associated with hypergraphia. This association has been known at least as early as 1974 (Waxman SG, Geschwind N. Hypergraphia in temporal lobe epilepsy. Neurology. 1974;24:629-36). A number of prolific writer may have had temporal lobe epilepsy, including Byron, Dante, Dostoevsky, Molière, Petrarch, Poe, and Tennyson. Hypergraphia has also been called the midnight disease.]

is a typical symptom of Manic behavior. Writing is one of my favorite pastimes. For a very long time, I felt like I couldn't write prolifically without being classified as insane. So, I didn't write. [That was devastating to me.] Eventually, I figured out what my "sick" writing looks like and what my my "healthy" writing looks like. Generally, in mania, my hypergraphia represents itself as disjointed thought. This can be confusing to the unexperienced reader. My creative flow can be quite broad and abstract. Some individuals can mistake my flow for "unhealthy" hypergraphia.

Furthermore, over the years, feeling good and strong about myself made me nervous because I thought I would be seen as grandiose [and therefore hospitalizable]. I am "larger than life" most of the time. Anyone who really knows me can tell you that. But I have learned that I can contain the "grandiosity" factor when I am healthy. People have often misdiagnosed me as ill (using the "grandiosity" assessment) because they fail to determine whether I can higher and lower my mood elevation. If I can adjust the level of my mood easily, then I am not ill. But, people often have to ask me to adjustment my mood; because, I don't always realize my emotional level is being perceived as scary/out of control. I have spent many years "shrinking down" emotionally so that other people feel comfortable and safe. Again, that is very damaging to my self-esteem.

For example, the term Hypomania, which would be categorized in a non-Mentally ill person as enthusiasm, high performance, high energy, etc., is a classifying symptom of pathology in someone with Bipolar disorder. So, if I have pressured speech, I can be seen as symptomatic. But have you ever witnessed someone who is excited or passionate? His/her speech is pressured as well.

It is important for me to be able to be myself 100% of the time---even if that means I belong in a circus or I should hang out with the Hollywood flamboyants! [I like the Hollywood idea!!!] "Black and white" symptoms do not provide enough wiggle room for your average person that exhibits the disease Bipolar disorder. Bipolars are special people. We need to feel accepted whether we are feeling high, low, or right inbetween. Good traditional medicine can enable Bipolar people to retain more "say" in their lives. Medications do not cure the illness as I once thought. Medications merely shift the parameters for Bipolar people's emotional range. I will probably always be "larger than life." I will often feel very high highs and I will feel very low lows. It is my current lot.

It took me considerable effort to understand the difference between "Joan that is healthy" and "Joan that is ill." And I had to make that effort because until I did, I could not hold my boundries with others. I used to frequently give control over to my family and friends because I didn't know how to interpret my own emotional and physical states. I thought everyone knew better than me---could sense more accurately than me. I feared a lot. And for the longest time I felt my destiny was to be a crazy person living out of a paste board box while spending my days directing traffic in my head.

I give a tremendous amount of "healing" credit to my therapist, Susan, who worked with me diligently to help me know my authentic self. I, also, give a tremendous amount of "healing" credit to my ex-boyfriend, Chris. He taught me about energetic and metaphysical concepts. He taught me how to be me. How to not be ashamed. I will always love him for that.

It is my desire to know balance. The edge is a very interesting place---whether Manic or Depressed---but I don't like being subject to that wind. I like to know my mind. I like to feel my emotions on a sea of stillness. I prefer to surf my life with great agility and adeptness. My medications are a start to that sense of placidness. But, I believe (I know deep within) that there is a better world waiting for all of us who have been deemed Mentally ill.

Holistic modalities encourage me. I AM One with all that IS, and that is what it means to be whole. My heart opens to all the realities that have yet to be called forth in the earth plane. I am a visionary in everything I do and say. [This overwhelms many!] But, I must, until the day all those realities take fruition, take one step at a time---one foot in front of the other. If I move too fast. If I skip too many beats, I will become ill and falter in my plan. And I don't want to falter in my plan. It is important to my soul that everyone I meet will somehow feel a part of who I AM, and I will feel a part of who they ARE. Though my heart knows this instinctively and without doubt, I want my head to know it as well. It is my deepest wish. It is what I live for in the here and now.

My persona and my pathology are not far from one another. They merge in and out, in and out with every breath I take. Bipolar disorder is not so much an illness as it is a dance. Perfection comes when I know myself, and knowing myself is a lifetime path of wonder and awakening defeat. All of us are unique and special. Bipolars just tend to be on the edges of everything. Bipolars without question are exceptional beings that know the moon and the sun.

No comments: